All caught up

I am pretty sure all of the necro posts from the past are done and everything going forward is new. 

i worked for a few strange places and some unusual people. 

And that is an understatement.  

I enjoyed the travel at times and it lent itself to some great stories. 

Party on Wayne. 

Dave's Last Day At Work

---(From 2008)

Some of you might remember that I have had some oddness with my job for a while. I am still employed, but it could be any day I am gone or made permanent. However, that decision will be a maximum of 30 days from now and it isn't looking like I will be made permanent. I have been job hunting on the side, but nothing tangible has manifested itself as of yet.

See this thread for the details.

So Friday was Dave's last day at work. Dave was our director or network {stuff}. When the new company came in, and directly related to the bankruptcy of the old company, our network was scheduled to be shut down for the bankruptcy trustee to pull out and sell.

Hence, Dave had a limited amount of time left, and he knew it. Personally I think this is a raw deal, but I too am somewhat fighting to maintain continual employment. So I have to choose my battles wisely at this point.

Dave is a really cool guy, even by IT guy standards. Smart, sarcastic and knows his stuff. Also a straight shooter and wont play games with network security or people loading their own software on their desktops. In other words a loyal employee.

So we decided to go to lunch as the last two remaining semi-temporary employees on Friday. Everyone else was either fired, laid off or made a permanent employee, just not us two.

So we drive over to this Mexican restaurant that serves really good food and has the best albondigas soup around. On the way over we see this homeless guy walking backward on the side of the road with a sign "will work for food – homeless".

He wasn't in the worst shape I have seen for homeless people, but he wasn't clean either. So not the guy that is hauling three shopping carts around, but probably also not the same guy sleeping under a freeway either.

It shouldn't matter, but it becomes relevant later. He was black, African - American if you must.

Well typical to 99% of the rest of the population we drive by and head to lunch.

The restaurant has an outdoor seating area next to the road. Not much of a view, but it was a nice enough day that sitting outside was just a better decision.

Food is ordered, we sit around swapping stories of stupid end users and all the really stupid things they ask for and do. You know the ones, some manager / director says her computer is broken when it isn't plugged in to the wall socket or he spilled coffee on the keyboard and tries to deny it was him. Usually my favorite are people that have an older machine and they download some virus disguised as super kewl emoticons that can be added to email and their computer just gets eaten alive by viruses and trojans.

A little time passes and our food arrives. We begin to eat continuing with the same line of stories. Both of us avoiding that this is really his last day working and it's kind of jacked up what the company did.

About ten minutes into this, that same homeless guy walks by us. Now keep in mind, I don't empirically know that he is homeless, it's just a general term I use for people that have a sign that says "will work for food – homeless".

Nether one of us likely would have known he walked by had he not stopped and stared at us while we were eating.

A minute of two later the homeless guy walks over and says (from the other side of a small stucco wall) "Hey I need money for food"

Dave, in a Not Being A Smart Ass way says, "I have two extra tacos I'm not going to eat you can have them". The homeless guy replies, "I don't like no Mexican food".

Dave laughs a little and says, "Then I guess you won't be eating lunch here today"

Homeless guy doesn't find this funny at all and says to Dave in this condescending voice "You think just because you're white you should get everything you want?"

That got Dave into the wrong mode. Mind you, Dave is white, whatever that means. He replies in a very sarcastic manner "Yes, now that you say it like that, yes, evidently I do, thank you for pointing this out to me. My life was a hollow shell prior to that ephiany, now I am complete, you complete me..."

Homeless guy says "Why don't you give me five bucks so I can get some food, I don't have a job."

Dave says in this self reflecting kind of way ""…yea, I guess I don't either"…" and the realization that he too is now unemployed appears to hit him.

Homeless guys says "Yea, but you're white you can get a job anywhere"

Now Dave is pissed. He is clearly not wanting to engage in this conversation and not on this day and really, not at lunch. But it's too late. He says to homeless guy "OK, your sign says will work for food, what kind of work do you actually intend to do, are you going to wash cars, install cat5, reconfigure cisco routers, bag groceries, plant trees, what kind of work are you looking for, and are you actually looking for work, or do you just want handouts and you really dont want to work at all ?"

Homeless guy stands there a few moments and appears not to grasp the question. He eventually chokes out a reply something along the lines of ""…just because I'm not white don't mean I can't do things."

Dave says "this isn't about your ethnic background, this is a question of what work can you do, since you say you will work for food, and I have offered you food and you don't want it, hence, you appear to need to find work to find food you want to eat, so again, what work do you intend to do?"

Homeless guy really didn't like that answer and said to me and Dave, because now all of a sudden I'm involved "You're a racist"

For a moment I thought homeless guy was going to dive over the stucco wall and attack Dave, glad he didn't actually.

Dave stands up, and says "yea, I'm sure you think that, why do I believe that, well because you appear to have no other options but to call me a racist because I wont give you what you want. I offered you some of my lunch, on my last day at work, but it wasn't good enough. I asked what kind of work do you intend to do since you are claiming you will work for food and you don't have an answer. You know, my friend, think what you want, convince yourself that the world is a horrible place full of racists and those that look down on you. But if you want to get out of your situation you will need to make some personal changes, sorry, I'm not handing you five dollars just because you claim you will work for food. So, have a great day, best of luck to you, but leave me to my last lunch in peace"

Dave sat down and finished those last two tacos.

Homeless guy looked at me, looked at Dave made is parting comment as he began walking down the street ""…f*cking racists"…"

We finished or lunch and went back to our predictable end users stories. Another day in paradise.

Its Monday, I caught a cold and wont be going into work. Dave is probably home now looking at dice.com.

Some Observations about applying for a job

---(from 2006)

So one of the things I do at work is to review résumé's and make an initial determination if you get to the hiring manager / director. I have 15 years experience in the specific field we are hiring, so I tend to know enough about the position to make this decision.

Usually I am reviewing for several positions from entry level to management. It would be nice to have these separated when they arrive, but that isn't always the case. Some web job boards just spit them out to you as they show up.

The following are some of the things to consider when applying for a job.

Disclaimer: Use at your own risk

1) For the love of gawd, don't use some bizarre font that is either unreadable or you think looks kewl on your myspace page. There is a reason times new roman and arial exist. They are easy to read.

2) Get to the point, what are you applying for. Don't make me guess. Put the name of the position or title in the subject of your email.

3) If you can't spell well, use spell check. No, really, please ! It is spelled Human Resources, not Human Ressources.

4) If you are applying for a Help Desk Technician, don't tell me you don't like working on the phone. Because for some reason I am guessing that could be a showstopper.

5) If you are going to use an email address, please take a second look at the actual email address used. Things like party_gurl69@yahoo.com , or Bongs_not_busts@gmail.com are not going to be a good sign of responsibility. While I may want to see the pictures for party_gurl69, I think you are better off with a less problematic name.

6) If you have worked at six different places in the past two years, you might want to provide some explanation as to why. Because you look like a job jumper, which is not a good thing.

7) If you have to list a reason for leaving your last job, and you write down something like ""…I left because I failed a drug test"…" you might not get called for an interview. Same applies to ""…I got fired for stealing"…". Don't wait by the phone for my call.

8) Grammar is more then just a trend. If you apply for a Customer Service Job and put down as your key asset ""…I solve problem for customer when on phone so there is no more problem"…". Again, not sure if you will get the call for an interview.

9) If you list your salary requirement as $15.00 per hour with a minimum of $60,000 per year. Are you assuming you get a large bonus to make up the difference or am I missing something here.

10) Try to keep your résumé' to one page. With a cover letter, you can make it two. But any more then that is pushing it. If you send me seven pages, sorry, I might not get to reading all of it.

11) No Colored Paper ! I don't care that you think (Cal Trans) Orange is Eye Catching. Its ugly, bright and annoying. Same goes with lime green and florescent yellow.

12) If you have been out of high school for more then five years, don't bother with telling me you were the head of the 4H club. That probably isn't relevant anymore to anyone. This only matters if it was the dungeons and dragons club.

13) If your last date of employment was in 2002, you may want to give me some idea why you haven't worked in five years. Its not a showstopper, but it does require some explanation.

14) Writing down ""…Extensive experience with the internet"…" tells me you that you post on forums when you should be working during the day too often. (Note: not that I have ever done this"…).

15) If there is a section that says Do you have reliable transportation, responding with ""…I recently wrecked my car"…" Isn't really in your best interest.

16) If there is a section that asks ""…Are you willing to relocate"…" and you live more then 100 miles away and you answer that question with a No, isn't so smart either.

17) DON'T USE ALL CAPS CHARACTERS.

18) Don't make everything bold.

19) Don't make everything italics.

20) Send attachments in Microsoft Word. Sorry if you hate Bill Gates, but I don't happen to have the latest version of Wordstar, Word Perfect or Lotus Notes on my computer. Love it or hate it, the majority of the business world runs on Microsoft Office.

Perpetually Valid Excuses

---(from 2007)

I stumbled into this one today. I usually am an active participant in the stories I post. This time is was just dumb luck.

I have a meeting scheduled with the local HR manager. The actual HR director works in our northern office, so when I have questions I need information on, I see the person in my office. If it's urgent, I travel.

The basic deal was I needed some information on {compliance to a state regulation}. The entire meeting would take five minutes and I figured I had most of what I needed already; I just wanted to verify it with the source.

I walk over to the HR manager's office a little early. She is speaking with one of the supervisors with the door mostly closed, I figure I can wait. Their conversation lasts a little longer than they probably expected and they noticed I was outside. I was about to say I can come back later, what I needed wasn't urgent.

When I was just about ready to say that, the HR manager opens the door and asks if I can come in and help them with something.

Honestly, I didn't want to. It's not that it isn't my job; it's just that nothing good comes from commenting on HR issues as they relate to managing people and usually interpreting policy. As a general rule, I avoid these like the plague.

I say, sure, if I can provide some perspective, I will, but that my input is opinion only and that if they have HR questions they really need to speak with the HR director and review relevant policies on the subject. They of course say, they will do that.

I walk in and they close the door behind me. Not a good sign. Into the lion's den wearing a a suit lined with hamburger.

The HR manager's office is larger than others and has three chairs on one side of the desk. For the most part, the only reason anyone is in this office is to talk about someone else's problem or be told about "Your" problem. Both are usually painful. Luckily, I fall into the first category.

The supervisor starts out and says there is an employee that works in their department that is having some issues.

I ask what the issues are.

The supervisor says the employee has missed eleven days in the past two months (that's 11 out of 38 working days or 28%) and that their performance is really behind everyone else. I want to say, well Duh, they have missed over a quarter of their work days possible what did you expect. I pull a Silent Bob and say nothing.

The supervisor continues: The employee is just over their 90 day mark and is no longer into their probationary period.

I think they should have probably extended the probationary period if they had tangible signs this was going to happen, buts that's just me.

I learned something long ago from an old HR manager; there are Problem Employees and Employees with Problems. So I asked the question, which one was this person.

The supervisors says the employee is nice and easy to get along with but they aren't here enough to get their job done and they don't have any time off to use.

I don't think the supervisor answered my question. I didn't ask if the person was nice, or easy to get along with. I asked if they were a problem or if they had a problem. Since it's pretty much an interpretation issue, I don't say anything. That and I don't really want to be here to begin with.

I guess that the employee has problems and isn't the corporate version of a trouble maker. So I ask the supervisor to explain what the situation has been with this person.

The supervisor says the employee misses work mostly on Monday's and Fridays and every other week or so, some other day in the middle of the week.

Well from my experience, people that miss a lot of Monday's have "lifestyle" issues. Usually means, they party too much on the weekend and can't make it to work. Not always, but more often than you would think.

I ask what the excuse is for this behavior from the employee.

This is where my trademarked theory of Perpetually Valid Excuses® comes in.

I ask the Supervisor to get their notes and tell me the reasons for the prior ten or so absences.

Going back from the oldest to the newest:

1) Employee called in and said their car broke down and they would be late, if in at all.
a. Employee never showed up and later said they had to get their car towed.
b. Employee came in the next day with a receipt for a tow truck
c. Excuse seems valid
2) Employee called in said they would not be in because their child was ill and daycare said they had to come get their child.
a. Employee came in the next day with a note from daycare
b. Excuse seems valid
3) Employee didn't call in the morning, called in later in the day saying their spouse was sick and they had to stay home to take their spouse to the doctor. There is some reference to the child's illness being a cause of the parents illness
a. Employee comes in the next day with a copy of a prescription for {anti biotic} for their spouse from the prior day
b. Excuse seems valid
4) Employee had a scheduled day off because family was in town. Employee was advised that due to unscheduled absences, employee needed to come in to make up work.
a. Employee came in half day and left saying they weren't feeling good
b. No notes from doctor or anything else.
c. Excuse seems contrived given circumstances.
5) Employee calls in sick saying that they have a re-occurring medical condition and that they need to see the doctor because their medication ran out.
a. Employee comes in the next day with a receipt from the doctor's office visit
b. Excuse seems valid.

I interrupt the supervisor and ask if the remainder of their absences can be explained with the same type of excuses. The supervisor says yes.

I give my disclaimer again about my input is an opinion and that they need to contact the HR director. In other words, grant me Amnesty and don't later throw me under the bus for giving an opinion.

I say that the employee has what is considered Perpetually Valid Excuses®. While each one can be traced back to a valid reason for missing work (all but the family in town that is), after a while it simply doesn't matter what their rationale is. The employee is expected to be at work, at their desk, during defined work hours doing the job they were hired to do. It is not the responsibility of the company to manage the employee's personal affairs. Employees are responsible to manage their own medical conditions; the company cannot do that for them.

The HR manager understands what I am saying but doesn't really say a thing. The supervisor has this shocked look on their face and stares at me like I just yelled "F*CK" in church.

I sit there for a moment and wait for a response. The supervisor says they don't believe I am being fair to the employee. My response is that the company hires people with an expectation that they will be here to do their job. After 90 days they begin to accrue time off. Until that point that don't have any. The company knows that emergencies will occur; it is likely far less than 28% of the available work days in a two month period I comment. That amount of time is simply excessive. It's nothing personal against the employee and it's not something that the company did to cause the problem.

I follow this up with the statement that the supervisor initially said the employee was not getting their job done. The supervisor reaffirms this is the case.

So I rhetorically inquire, then what are you asking me?

Are you asking me if I think it's acceptable for an employee to not meet the basic standards of their job, as they were hired? To that I say, no.

Are you asking me if I think it's acceptable for an employee to take unscheduled time off, and that unscheduled time off causes other people to have to work harder to keep up with performance goals for the department they work. To that I say, no.

Are you asking me if I think the company should have a responsibility to monitor and assist employees manage their personal affairs outside of work, and to help manage their personal medical conditions? To that I say, no.

I indicate that I think if the person, regardless of their Perpetually Valid Excuses® isn't doing their job, and it's primarily because they have absences, why should they be treated different than the people that are here, that don't meet their performance standards. This means they will receive some form of performance counseling. And, if their performance doesn't improve, they may end up being let go. If they had scheduled and approved time off, well then it's a management issue, but this isn't the case.

I feel bad for people when bad things happen to them, but they need to be at work doing their job if they want to keep a job. Or wait until they get their life in order before making a commitment to an employer to do a job they agreed to do.

So I ask, what is it you want me to say?

The supervisor says they will call the HR director and leaves the office.

I ask the HR manager if they have time for our meeting.

Life goes on

Another of those old and lengthy work stories from 2007

Another in the line of long work stories.

I changed jobs January of this year. Unlikely you remember, but should you do, I wrote a thread about that transition and the initial work Trip. Well nine months later I have another.

My company merged with another company a month ago. I am sure it's been going on longer than that, but for the sake of the story, it's a month ago. My boss is the general counsel for the company and for the new company also. I work in the compliance department and get to check on how the various departments play nice with the laws and regulations in our industry. At times this is not entirely exciting, but at times it's actually kind of fun.

The combined companies now have offices in Dallas, Atlanta and our old offices in San Diego and Los Angeles. I work in the San Diego office and on occasion go to the LA office. Last Thursday I get the official notice I needed to go to the new offices to see what they do in relation to what we do.

Originally I thought it was going to be Dallas, but at the last minute it turned out to be Atlanta. I have been to Atlanta a few times before with a different company, so I know the basic area and how to get around. I wanted to go to Dallas because I actually know a few people there and might be able to fit in some social time. I don't know anyone in Atlanta.

So Friday was a mostly panic because I had to arrange airfare, rental car, hotel and ten different people to be available for me to meet with them. I also have to make sure I book cheap flights, use appropriate corporate discounts and get there in time to meet with all the players involved.

Oddly, it worked out well. Or so I thought.

I have a flight leaving Orange County Airport at 11:45am. I live 20 minutes from the airport so I decide to leave at 9:30 so it leaves me a solid 1.5 hours of buffer.

I get to the airport a little late. It's Monday, so the parking lot is usually very busy. I didn't plan ahead very well, I should have known this.

I pull into the A lot even though it says full. Ten minutes later I have spun through four levels of parking and guess what, it's full. This sucks. I hit the B lot, it doesn't say full, but looks the same. Ten minutes later and but the luck of the gods someone is pulling out and I have the best shot to pull around and get that spot. I get it just as some Camry tries to dart in front of me and ninja my spot. Turns out this was probably the last spot left. I burned 20 minutes of my buffer and it's a mile walk to the check in area.

I make the walk to check in. Luck has it there is almost no line. The reason being is the line for security wraps around the airport at least once. I have an hour twenty left before departure. I get my ticket and make the dash towards security. Funny thing, due to weather the flights to Dallas were being cancelled. Had I been going to Dallas instead, I would be waiting at the airport for hours.

Security line takes an hour and just sucks. I have been waiting behind this woman and her semi-screaming infant. Mental note, don't get behind them at the actual screening area. Strollers and kids equal delays.

I finally get to the actual security area and have to remove my shoes, take out my one quart bag of liquids, take out my computer, find anything with metal in it and put them in the correct bins.

Based on the amount of time I have to get to the gate, I throw things together and make the fast walk to gate 12. Knowing I won't be given real food on the plane I stop at McBulk and get a McNumberOne for McCalories and McArteryHardening with a Sprite to "Wash Down That Tasty Burger".

While absorbing the McFood I notice that there is the one hot chick waiting for the same flight as I am waiting. Taller Asian woman, lots of legs, tight jeans, black hair tied up behind her head, smiling and talking with people in line. Not a lot of rackage, but overall good looking. Wearing one of those "Let us Be Free" tops that screams of "Please drop your keys and bend over to pick them up so I can see the rack". No such luck on the keys being dropped.

I am in group four on the plane. Turns out that doesn't mean anything because once they get past the first class people the masses rush the gate and the airline staff step aside and let it occur.

I am in 43f, around four rows from the back of the plane. I didn't see the one hot chick get on yet so there is still hope she will be sitting with me. Time passes and mob slowly takes their seats. The hot Asian chick is walking towards the back of the plane; I have two seats empty next to me. There is hope. Granted not much, but it's there.

The hot Asian chick puts her bag in the bin opposite of mine and her "Free Range Top" allows some slight bouncing as she does it. Still hope, it's possible, wait"… wait"… wait"…

Checked at the blue line, the hot chick sits down across from me and one row back. Oh well, my record for the one hot chick sitting next to me remains consistent, zero for like 300. Instead I get the mother and the chubby 11 year old. Just not the same thing.

Due to weather delays and gate problems, it takes a little longer to get to Atlanta. Five hours later, I arrive in the south. Its hot here and its 8:00 pm at night.

Off to the rental car place. I rent my car at Alamo and attempt to get to the hotel. Even though I haven't done anything but stand in line or sit down, I'm tired. I decided to pay for the full tank of gas early so I didn't have to deal with it later. The gamble here is you pay for the tank even if you don't use the gas. But I figured I would use it, or at a minimum I would be close enough to not care. Keep in mind the assumption is you get a full tank of gas when you pick up the car. All this does is save you the time and cash from filling up your rental car in a strange town.

I get my car and attempt to drive out of the Alamo lot. I hit the gate and the woman is having a conversation on her cell phone. She looks at me and snaps her fingers and points to the rental agreement on my dash. I assume she didn't want to break up her important conversation about Judge Judy to actually ask me for the agreement.

I wait...

A minute later I guess her conversation ended and she says ""…Drivers license and order tag"…" I hand her my driver's license and ask what an "Order Tag" is. She says "It's the black key tag". I look around and don't see anything. I explain such. She says again, like the second time will create some new form of knowledge with me""… I need the Black Order tag that is attached to your key"…" I explain I don't have one and I don't see anything like that. As the third time must be the charm, she says ""…I need the black tag that came with the car"…" I explain again, I don't know what she is talking about. As she has advanced knowledge she tells me to look under the passenger seat as they sometimes fall under there.

I look under the passenger seat and see a piece of paper with a black highlighted section. I think I saw Jimmy Hoffa and the Holy Grail, but I was pressed for time and only grabbed the Order Tag. I hand her the tag and she opens the gate and lets me leave. Not without a long sigh and not so friendly look, but I probably deserved that for not knowing what a Black Order Tag is.

As I pull out I notice I have 75% of a tank of gas. Oh, how I love the little things in life. I don't feel like going back and pointing this out and drive off.

So it's the last and ideally the least complicated part of my trip is all that is left. I have my trusty google map and a basic idea how to get to the freeway.

I hit the 85 north with the intent to hit the 75 north in 16 miles and eventually some exit off Delk and some Air force base. I am pretty good with maps and directions, but this one description for the exit I need doesn't make sense.

There are two exits off the freeway. One turns left and goes back up and over the freeway, the other turns right and goes on the road I may want. The trouble being the directions confuse me the way they are written.

It is more confusing when you see the signs, but it reads like this

7. Take exit 261 for E Delk Rd toward GA-280/Lockheed/Dobbins AFB
8. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for E Delk Rd and merge onto Delk Rd SE

Well I turned the wrong way. I went Left Right, not Right Right.

The neighborhood goes from bad to worse. I run into an area with very few lights and a few people on the street corner that appear to be self employed in either the entertainment industry or self employed pharmaceutical distribution.

To make matters worse I can't see the road signs. I am slowing down before every street attempting to read the signs. If you were driving behind me, you might think I was looking to complete a business transaction with a local inhabitant of the aforementioned professions.

I drive for a few miles still lost. I finally decided I went the wrong way and make a U turn. It was a legal U turn, but it must have been at the end of Local Dealers Row. From a side road out pulls a police car right behind me.

Mind you I have done nothing wrong, but let's paint some color into the scenario. A rental car being driven slowly with the driver looking left and right at every street corner that is not of the same basic demographic as the individuals living and working on these street corners makes a U turn and goes for a second pass. I am sure this type of thing has been seen on Cops a few times in the past and usually involving someone denying their intent was to secure a date or some crack.

The cop follows me for a few miles closely. I can see him working his dash computer at stop lights.

Is he going to pull me over or not is the question

I am still a little lost. I think I know where my hotel is but I am in the right lane and need to make a turn at the next left stop sign on a busy road. The cop is still behind me and I don't feel like doing a Crazy Ivan in front of the police. I make the nearest right hand turn into a gas station. Well you guessed it; the police car follows me in.

I'm doomed I think.

I make a U turn out of the gas station and see my Sanctuary, the Marriott Courtyard directly across the street. The light takes what appears to be days to go from red to green. I proceed with caution across the intersection to the Hotel. The police car is still behind me. I pull into the space marked Check In and get out of my car. The police officer pulls behind me. He doesn't turn any lights on and doesn't get out of the car. He is however blocking me if I try to make a run for it by backing up my Chevy G6 (POS) rental car.

Since I haven't done anything wrong I get out of the car and get my stuff. I am dressed in casual traveling attire (read: jeans and a world of warcraft shirt). The police officer shines his light on the license plate of my car and shines it in my basic direction. Not wanting to tempt fate I don't say anything. He looks at me, writes something else down on his notebook and drives off.

I guess if I go out later looking for a $20 date or some crack I might be spotted early. I decide not to go trolling for a date or drugs just to be safe. That and the whole illegal thing keeps me safe another day.

I notice it's still hot outside. Its somewhere after 9:00 pm local time. I went from being tired to a little wound up. Not sure, it might have been the slow speed police thing. I pretend I'm OJ for a moment, and then I decide I don't want to pretend to be a guy who killed his ex wife and her boyfriend. Forget it, time to check in.

I get to the check in counter and say who I am, and give the appropriate ID. I get a deluxe garden room overlooking the courtyard. Odd, no garden, but I have a garden room.

The first thing I notice about the room is the smell. It's a non smoking hotel, which means that when people smoke they have use all sorts of strange chemicals to try to mask and remove the smell of people smoking. Well that smell is strong in this particular room. Think paint thinner meets perfume. And when you think of perfume, think of the kind sold in gallon jugs, at brothels, in Jakarta, during the summer months. From there add some moldy cigarette smell and you really have the aroma that I get to live with for a week.

I think of attempting to bottle this fragrance for resale, but figure it would be considered a weapon of mass destruction with the wrong administration.

Well I am settled in and am wide awake. I make the obligatory surf through the TV channels. Same old network TV I have. I don't want to tempt fate and pay the $14.99 and rent a movie for concern that I would have to explain that it wasn't pRon later regardless of if it was or wasn't.

The room has High speed internet. I know from experience that usually means double dial up, but it's better than nothing.

I had WOW plus the Burning Crusade loaded and only needed to patch of BC to begin to play. I hook up the computer and hit the blizzard patch program. Blizzard tells me I have 389 meg to down load before I can play and I let it rip. Now when I say Rip I mean it's moving. The patch estimate says two hours 50 minutes. Now that is what I call High Speed.

With nothing better to do than wait, I decide to go get food. There are two places to eat within walking distance from the hotel. A Ruby Tuesdays and a local Italian food place. I ask the desk clerk on my way out which is better. He gives me that look and says, ""…Well it depends on if you want to get food poisoning or not"… If not, got to Ruby Tuesdays." This doesn't appear to be a difficult decision, so off to Ruby's I go.

I hit Ruby Tuesdays at around 10:00 pm. The place is mostly empty. There are a few portly traveling business men at the bar watching Monday Night football, a ton of empty tables and lots of servers gossiping in the back of the restaurant.

Turns out there is a convention at the hotel next to mine and the two restaurants expected to have a busy night. What they didn't know is that it was the Southern Christian Banking Association or something like that. And to make matters worse, none of them appear to be out past 9:00 pm so the place is deserted.

I hit the entrance and get pointed to an open booth towards the bar. Fine with me, I can watch the TV screen change colors but that's about it. There is a woman in the booth sitting next to me about to leave. Middle age, probably was much better looking in her younger days, but has that same tired look that I assume I have.

As I sat down she was leaving. I think we had that eye-contact-moment that said, "Yea, I'm tired too, and good luck with dinner." I think she also sent me a telepathic signal that the food here was not much better than the Italian place, but I didn't get that one in time.

I order a glass of wine and dinner. Neither was very good, but it did the trick. I get the bill, its $24.00 for a salad, glass of wine and the house special chick pot pie. This probably exceeds my daily dinner allowance, but I will find a way to be creative later if I have to.

I head back to the room. It's a 400 foot walk. It's pushing 11:00 pm local time, or 8:00 pm my time. I'm not tired, but know I have to be up and out by 7:45 am local time, or 4:45 am stomach time. I dread getting up this early but it is inevitability as Mr. Smith would say.

I head back to the room expecting my WOW patch to be done. Surprisingly it is not. Not only is it not done, it's only about 40% done. Well that sucks, no wow for me tonight.

I get ready for bed and lay down. The laptop screen eventually goes black and I lay there. I lay there for hours, literally. One of the reasons I can't sleep is its just warm in the room. The air is on, but it isn't getting any colder.

Around 1:00 am local time I finally get up to check wow. It's almost done. The problem being is I have to get up to go to the office in six or so hours. I go back to bed and lay there. A few minutes pass and I figure I will attempt to adjust the thermostat to see if I can get it any colder. I adjust it down to 68. Nothing changes, I move it to 66 and nothing changes. Well at this point I know there is a problem, because unless the room temperature is really cold and I am suffering from Hyper-Thermia there is a problem. Nothing changes the temperature and the air seems to go on every ten minutes for around five minutes, then back to a pause cycle. It's broken and that's what it is.

I lie back in bed and stare into the darkness. The last time I bothered to look at the clock it was 3:30 am local time. The sound you would have heard is the silent cry of my knowledge that I have to be up and going in four hours. I have also now been awake since 7:00 am my time and its 12:30 am my time. I should be tired.

The wakeup call came in at 7:00 am. It was an ugly sound. My body ached in ways I can't explain. I made it to the bathroom without stumbling over only to see my eyes were bloodshot like a frat boy after pledge week or Lindsey Lohan on a Monday morning.

It's going to be a long day acting like I think.

Going Home – Final Chapter

I stumble out of my room to the lobby of the Marriott Courtyard. There isn't a real restaurant here all they have is a few breakfast items. Stomach time it's too early to eat. I grab a plate of sausage and scrambled eggs and a glass of orange liquid that is based on something that may have once been picked from a tree. It's bitter, so I figure it may have fallen from the tree and sat there a few days.

It doesn't matter, it's early and I just need calories to get me to lunch.

I drive to out of the hotel and up the freeway ten miles to the office. I get lucky and read the directions correctly this time. With no police on my tail and in daylight I make good time. I want to go back to bed.

I pull up to the office and can't figure out how to get into their portion of the building. It's a big building with glass doors to a lobby then a series of six locked doors on the inside on different floors. There is no phone directory and no clue as to which door I am supposed to take. My one saving grace is I used to work with someone in my last job well enough to know by name. I get his phone number from a prior email I sent and call him. I explain I am in the lobby and I don't know which office to go to. He laughs at me, another in a line of ego boosters on this trip. He eventually tells me that one of the locked doors isn't locked and I can walk through a series of hallways to get to their door. It's a bit of a maze but with 95% of the doors being locked I eventually find the right one.

After 15 minutes of catching up with what he has been doing in the past four years I settle in. They put me in an office of someone that recently quit. Turns out the person that left would be the ideal person for me to work with, but she is gone now.

I make my first in a long series of requests for documentation and paper work and wait for the deluge of emails to arrive. My presence is causing a stir in the office. Part of the reason is I am in a suit and the rest of the office is very casual. So I stick out like OJ at the Goldman Family Reunion.

At one point I make it to the employee lunch room to get a coke. On the wall are several people offering to sell pit bull puppies. I make a Michael Vick joke to myself and go back to my office.

Funny thing I observe is that a lot of the staff is wearing hospital scrubs. Mind you some of the people do hospital billing, but we are in a totally non-clinical setting. I ask the customer service manager why people are in scrubs and she gives me this strange look. Eventually she says that she thinks it's just an easy thing to wear and clean. I give this my official "Whatever" and move on.

I was sent to the Atlanta office to look at "Stuff". There is a Dallas office that does stuff too but the director of "Stuff" said he thinks I needed to be in Atlanta. Fifteen minutes after I start getting their emails I realize I am in the wrong office.

Think of it like this, and this is a bad analogy at best. I need to talk to the winXP developers. I know win98 and winXP well, but I only want to talk to the winXP people. So I ask lots of questions about who does what in which office. I get told the people I want to talk to are in Atlanta. When I get there it's just the opposite. I know both lines (In my industry) well, but they are just not the same thing. Was I set up to go to the wrong office to protect the guilty or did I just not ask enough of the right questions.

I can see the face of my boss and him not being pleased on Monday when I get back.

I spend two days of a three day trip auditing stuff, listening to people tell me what they do, listening to people say there is no policy on this or that and this is just how things are done, sitting in on training sessions and things of that nature. By the end of the second day I ran out of people to ask because I was in the wrong office. I grab all the paperwork policy and compliance stuff I can to support my findings and leave for the day.

I tried to play wow in the hotel, but high speed internet turned out to be a 3000ms to 12,000 ms lag. Which if you know anything about wow, you know it was unplayable and I was getting booted often. I didn't rent any in-house movies because I always hear about how they are not paid, even though they almost always are. That and the guy in accounting would probably reject the report and cause me a month delay in getting paid. That left watching TV or going out. Well other than the two restaurants in walking distance, I just don't feel like going out. So it's bad TV and trying to play wow. A winning combination let me tell you.

I decide to change my flight to take off Thursday morning rather than Friday. This might backfire on me a little, but I am out of things to do and can't stall this for a day, that and it's a waste of money to hang another day. Changing the flight costs me $75 extra that I hope the company will pay. My choice was pay the $75 or hope I can do standby. If the flight is full then I would be stuck in the airport for five hours, possibly more. I gamble on the $75 and pack up for the airport.

I get to the airport and turn in my car. The people taking the car back are substantially nicer than my experience of getting it. The shuttle bus to the terminal is on time, lots of room and the air conditioner works well. So far this is going well. I ended up only using about a third of a tank of gas so paying for the full tank was not a great call on my part.

The security line was longer than John Wayne (Orange County) Airport but moved at a much faster speed. Note to self, John Wayne airport security is really, really slow. It kind of grosses me out walking that last 25 feet with no shoes on when I know there are like 10,000 people per day walking on this tile floor with no shoes on. I think there just needs to be a better solution to this part.

Knowing it's a four to five hour flight I try to get something to eat. It's still early stomach time so I have to force something down. I know that there isn't anything on the plane but dry cracker snacks so eating is rather important.

The flight was long and boring, and full. I probably would have made the standby list and not paid the $75 but it would have meant a middle seat. Not horrible, but not desirable either. A nice looking woman is sitting next to me. She had a bit of a butch look about her. I am guessing she swung from the other side of the plate because I caught her looking at the same chicks I was looking at it. So much so she caught me catching her. We laughed quietly to ourselves and really didn't speak much. About two hours into the flight she went to drink some water and the plane hit a little turbulence and she spilled a bunch of water down her top. She laughed and said "Well that was fun" I responded with something like "yea, right you planned that just to have an excuse to talk to me"…" I got a smile out of it and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation.

During the flight my blackberry doesn't get reception. So if I get any emails they kind of stack up until we are on approach to John Wayne.

I know I am supposed to have my phone off but I pretty much never do. My brother is a pilot in the air force and says all that hype about cell phones on planes is BS so I haven't turned my phone off in a while. Later if I am on a flight that goes down, ill come back from beyond and post something that says "Turn your phones off, or you will die". That or I will haunt my ex wife and leave all the lights on in her house during the day.

A few miles from landing I get the first bulk of emails. The first one was the best; it said welcome home like nothing else.

Subject line: Police called and arrested a former employee
Opening text: They said she had a few hundred credit card forms from our customers and appears to have been running up charges for a few months on them. Need to talk now.

Welcome home...

Epilogue - Dog poop on the front lawn

So I get home after the trip and relax (Read: play wow, drink wine, watch TV and mentally shut down for a day or two). I didnt spend much time out front other than to water the plants the kids didnt seem to get to. So I didnt see the front lawn until today. No real reason, I just didnt get to examining the lawn. We moved into this place only a month ago so I always find something else that needs to get done first.

Well I walk out today getting ready to go to work and I see this woman walking her dog. I dont know dog breeds well but I am guessing there is some Labrador type mix going on. The dog is on a leash and she has the blue poop bag in her other hand. The bag is empty.

Why do I bring this up because the dog just got done taking a dump on my lawn and her and the dog are walking away. I also notice there are a few little piles of dog by-product left on the lawn. I dont have a dog and I dont have anything against them, but I dont want your dogs poop on my lawn. How about this, clean it up.

She doesnt seem to hear me either and is still 20 feet from the crime scene. I hit my lock the doors button on my car alarm because I know it will make the horn beep. Not loud, but enough to be heard by someone 20 feet away.

She hears the horn and her and the dog turn around. I look at her and then at the doog poop and then back at her. Not a mean look, but a look that says "Clean up the poop lady!".

She stops and starts that calculation that asks if I was there long enough to see her dog poop or did I just walk out.

This my friends is one of those character making decisions. Its right up there with you need two more points to get into the Pearly Gates or not when St. Peter asks one final question "Did you clean up the poop ?".

Well the decision had been made, the dog looked at me and said thanks for the nice lawn, and the lady walked away without cleaning up her poop, empty blue bag in hand.

I said loud enough for her to hear me "Thanks, see you tomorrow..."

and drove off to work.

When i got to work I had ten plus messages in a series on the customer service employee that was arrested along with her boyfriend for some type of fraud and they found our companys credit card slips in her apartment.

The police wouldnt tell us what she was charged with or if they had any specific information on if she used our customers credit card information for illegal purposes.

Tomorrow I have to interview staff in the other office to see if anyone knew anything or what we could have done to prevent this. It has turned out to be at least 100 credit card numbers, expiration dates, full customer names and that goofy three digit verification number on the back of visa and mastercard and the four digit number on the front of american express.

This is one of those parts of my job I dont like. Sooner or later we are going to have to figure out what she did and how we notify the customers of this "potential security / information breach". Not going to be a good day when I have to start taking their calls.

I think I will schedule my stress leave that month...