Observations from a place I used to work at

---(from 2008)

Halloween

I really like Halloween. It has a lot of fond memories. Being a kid and getting lots of candy and wearing cool creepy monster costumes. Then later being an adult and getting beer instead of candy and checking out sorority chicks in costumes that were at best excuses to wear black ripped stockings, zombie slut nurse outfits or the classic Elvira wig. So yea, I like the holiday. It should be a much longer party, but then again, I digress.

For those of you that remember, or dare I say care, I work in the compliance department at a company. That means I have to act like I care when people complain and investigate real problems and total BS problems. The real ones I take very seriously, the bogus ones I cringe at (usually daily).

Well it happened, someone finally complained about my favorite holiday, Halloween. Someone random F*cktard said that ""…Halloween is an abomination against god and a satanic ritual intended to lure children into devil worship"…". There is more to the story, but to cut to the chase, we can no longer say, reference or endorse the word Halloween as a company. We can only say "Fall Festival" now. Yes, you heard that correctly, we can't say or print Halloween, we have to say "Fall Festival". We could celebrate the Great Pumpkin in a Pumpkin patch I imagine, but we can't say Halloween.

We were going to have company pot luck for Halloween, now we are going to have a Fall Festival Pot luck. I hope they don't assume the Pot part of the Luck involves marijuana"…

Sorry kids, we were going to watch that movie with Michael Meyers when he wore that hockey mask, you remember that movie, and it's called Fall Festival.

You know I really liked that Tim Burton movie the Nightmare before Christmas. What was the name of the town they lived in, oh yea Fall Festival Town.

USB Drives

You know the mass memory storage thingies. I paid $80 a few years ago for the 512 meg when it was the largest one out there. Last week I bought the 4 gig size for $39 so times have changed. I don't use mine for work unless I have to travel and move large presentation files or non sensitive data. On the outside chance I have to move large files with sensitive data I encrypt them and zip them and then rar them again with encryption. While I know this isn't 100% safe, it's a lot safer than simply moving Excel files around and leaving them on USB drives. The large point is I am trusted and am allowed by my job to use a USB storage device. So it isn't an issue for me.

We have a group policy that says people employed with the company at level one and two can't use these devices, are prohibited from bringing them in and are not allowed to install new devices on their work desktop computers. Simple fact, they are entry level to slightly above, they have access (albeit limited, and as a need to know only) to sensitive information. So far I hope you understand, this just makes sense. Later if they get into another position, things Might change.

Well last week random Director of Operations tells one of the IT tech guys to open up the USB storage device option for a group of her level one and two staff. He panics, she is a director and he doesn't know what to do and she makes veiled insinuations about how he had better do this or else.

He does. So then she goes around with a USB storage thingy and loads this file that she needs for a special project on a bunch of their computers so they can work on this super special project. Keep in mind it probably took him as long to open up the device and then make sure each computer had access to this as it would to make a shared network folder with certain permissions for those same users to access. He offered this, the Director said she didn't have time and didn't want to fill out the paperwork (one form).

If she had asked permission with a compelling argument and had been told it was ok by the CIO or something, sure, then someone knows and accepts some responsibility. She didn't. As a matter of fact, she never told anyone. I only found out through one of my random discussions with the IT guy (that's part of what I do). He told me so he wouldn't get in trouble.

She didn't even ask to have the access reset pack to the normal settings after she was done. She didn't ask to make sure the files were deleted from the staff's computers. She just went on about her day.

So now it's a major deal that I have to go around and Audit all these group policies, the devices that can be used on a desktop, who has what permissions and what the procedure is if you need some type of emergency access to something.

It all would have been solved if she had just spent the ten minutes to get a network folder up and running. I doubt I will find anything bad happened or that the names of nine million people will have been sold to AOL for spam or anything, but this was so FN unnecessary.

Cell Phones at work

We have a policy that says something like, you can't use a cell phone at work unless you are in a break room or outside the building. That shouldn't be hard to grasp. That means, you can't use a cell phone at your desk.

So last week, again, I see several people using their cell phones at their desk, talking and texting. Again, we are talking about line staff, phone staff, customer service staff and not anyone in any level of management.

The intent of the policy is to make sure customer service staff are taking care of customers and that we mitigate potential risks of the release of sensitive information that someone could see on a computer and then transfer to another person by using their cell phone. If you don't like those two reasons, the better one is then, because if you are on your cell phone, you are not working. I know this isn't an iron wall, it's a screen door to stop the rhinos from invading into the village. But it is still the policy.

So I make the same casual reminder to the supervisor who tells me whoops, sorry, I'll take care of this. Who then tells the manager who now has a problem with me and how I conduct audits.

A barrage of emails go back and forth, people in different offices, different states and in all levels of management get dragged into this. Finally someone asks the question, well Mrs. Manager, are your people using cell phones against policy, yes or no. It took her 900 words to admit that it might have happened, but she never saw it, but that was all it took.

Why are we arguing this point I wonder. It isn't life or death, it isn't the loss of a huge customer, it is just someone got caught not making sure her people were doing what they are asked to do. Get off your little territorial island and deal with it.

Odd, this week no one is using their cell phone at their desk.

Accepting a job

If you reply to an ad we are running for a job. You send in a resume. You set up and complete a phone interview. You show up, usually in the best set of clothes you own and complete at least one, if not two interviews. We offer you a position, we tell you the hours, the benefits, your start date and the pay. You accept the position and you even put down in writing your acceptance of the position.

Please, for the love of gawd, show up the first day. And if you don't show up the first day, and you don't have some kind of ""…aliens kidnapped me and made me watch x-files with Elvis"…" kind of story, then do not be surprised if we decide you are not a good candidate for employment and terminate are agreement.

So if you call a week later and say you are still interested in the position, you agreed to show up to last week, and never called. Expect a thanks, but no thanks response.

Drug Tests

As part of our company policy, we will send you for a drug test. It's rare that anyone objects. It's pretty common now in my part of the world to take one. I have seen a few people not show up to the drug test and we never hear from them again, but for the most part people take them and that's that.

On occasion someone's test comes back with some prescription drug that we have to have them validate that they can legally have this in their system, but that is rare.

About once a year someone comes in, accepts the job, contingent of them passing the background stuff, goes to take the drug test and it comes back that they were smoking the whole bowl right before the test or that they were doing crazy illegal stuff within a few hours of taking the test. I just wonder why they bother taking it. This isn't about anti-doping for guys who ride bikes in France or chicks that ran in the Olympics in Australia. This is about Bob who did a line of meth within an hour of taking a test and it shows up in blazing colors in a small cup. Makes me glad anyone and breed on their strong genes.

Please dont ask for my opinion at work

---(from 2008)

This is probably more of a blog kind of post. I actually created a site to put these, but I haven't really spent the time to figure out how to do it properly. Either that or I would rather play wow.

In the capacity of my job working in the compliance department I get asked for my opinion on a lot of things. Assuming there are 100 things to know, ranging from how to clean the toilets based on OSHA standards to setting up a secure wireless network, I am probably qualified by my job and experience to answer 15 of them. Five of them with certainty, five of them with a high probability of being correct and five of them based on "Stuff" I did with other companies that no one else has done before at this company.

I wouldn't call this a great ratio of being able to offer a qualified opinion, but it does keep me employed and so far they keep paying me.

Now to clarify, there is a huge difference from being asked an opinion for the correct way to do a thing as opposed to knowing the policy, procedure or company approved way to do that same thing. Since most people don't know or don't care to know the correct way to do a thing, and it's part of my job to know these things, by default I look smart. A clever deception I assure you.

This has the down side of people assume I know what I am doing when I am really just quoting or translating policy. Which in turn means I get asked a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have to answer, but do anyway? Herein lies the rub, so to speak.

As long as it's a work related item, I am there. Count me in, let's get the thing resolved and move on. Trust me, this is not a selfless act, and I am not an altruistic person by my nature. I do this for one reason, because if the person or group screws something up I am usually the person that has to go clean up the mess, document how the mess got to be in its current Mess-Like capacity, create a new policy to avoid future-mess or investigate the people that created the mess for some type of malevolent behavior. Hence, the better people comply with stuff, the easier things are for me.

Mind you I have no belief in the perfect work, nor does the Utopian work place exist, so I know I can remain employed indefinitely based on the failures, incompetency's and screw ups of others. I've been told I'm cynical, but how could that possibly be true I say to them"…

So yesterday there were two separate events I am going to illustrate on how this works.

The random supervisor makes and appointment to see me. That's a nice way of saying they dropped in, closed the door and said, hey do you have a minute, and there is something I want your opinion on.

What I wanted to say:

In other words you didn't bother to look this up in the policy manual, you didn't bother to check with HR or you simply can't figure this out and you want to create a trail of Blame should this backfire on you.

What I actually said

Sure, come on in

The supervisor starts out with this lengthy description of this one employee that works for her. Let's call the employee Jane. Well Jane is marginal at her job. Easy to get along with, shows up on time, does more than the minimum and doesn't make waves. My version of the explanation took 19 minutes less than the supervisors, with the same net facts. I don't care what car she drives, I don't care where she lives and I don't care that she recently started weight watchers.

The supervisor says that Jane requested to take three days off because her Aunt died and the supervisor wants to know if Jane can take her company paid bereavement days to deal with this.

The answer is really quite easy. The policy says that bereavement can only be taken for immediate family members. Typically this means mom, dad, children (god forbid), brothers and sisters. The variable is that it can be taken for other non immediate family members if they live with the employee. I don't want to get all cold and heartless on you, but I have seen people say they need to take three days off for their ninth cousin Elmo that died in a freak Meth lab explosion and they need to deal with some stuff. Oh yea, and they haven't seen Elmo for eleven years. In those cases we have had to indicate that the policy does not extend to anyone outside the immediate family and that they will have to get time off approved. It is almost always approved, but there is a difference in the event that causes us to make a decision.

Back to Jane, the supervisor says the aunt lived 100 miles away and was not really considered immediate family, but Jane saw the Aunt several times a year and more than just holidays.

I know I am getting set up on this one, but I've been around long enough to see this coming. I ask the supervisor what do they want to do. The question really being is are you going to stand up for your employee that is not a problem and not a star employee or are you going to deny them the time. As a company, we have no intention of being cruel to the people that work here. However, we are going to try not to get taken advantage of either.

The supervisor doesn't see through my ruse and sits there unsure how to answer. So I wait it out a minute. It was a very long minute for that supervisor. She eventually says, well since Jane hasn't been a problem, I guess I would say go ahead and let her use the time since this was a family member that was more than just a holiday visit. I explain that in this case the supervisor would have to advise Jane in writing that an exception to the policy was being made and that this was all the bereavement time the company would allow for the year. That should anyone else suddenly pass away, that Jane would be required to use her vacation time and it would need to be approved. The reason we do this is so later we have ourselves covered and the employee isn't blindsided by being told no in a difficult time.

Personally I think it was a good decision, not great, but good. The problem being that every time we create one of these exceptions to the rule, someone else will try to bend it further down the road. See the above Elmo and the Meth lab example.

I don't want to be black and white about the world, but policies are written for a reason. They should be a line in the sand. Not a catch all, but a solid decision point. Granted they should be updated based on business necessity, industry trends and other relevant things but adhered to as a rule.

So in this case, I really didn't give my opinion, I offered a way out to the supervisor, but at the cost of taking some responsibility and for doing the right thing. The supervisor walks away, calls HR and probably asks how to write a memo to Jane.

At 4:30pm that same day Bob comes to my office. Bob reminds me a lot of the guy from the movie Airplane that jumped into a scene with a flowery voice and said "There's a Sale at Penny's, there's a sale at Penny's". I think Bob has yet to leave the closet officially, but I really don't care, not really my business and doesn't affect his work. I have kind of a live and let live philosophy on a lot of these things (among consenting adults that is).

I need to give some background history on how we got to the point where Bob wants to talk to me. Go grab a beer and come back, it will be a bit of a read. Ideally somewhat interesting.

When I was originally hired in January it was in Department A. I was hired by Chuck to do a certain job. Let's call this play a horde mage in world of warcraft was what I was hired to do. I loved the idea of doing this, and they wanted me here. Win-Win.

Well a week before I start, Chuck calls and said they hired someone to come in and be my boss and build this department. At the time, I thought I was going to work for Chuck and play a horde mage. I don't meet my new boss until I get here. We will call him Al. Well I get to the new job and talk to Al about expectations and things like that. Al tells me he is really excited because he knows how much I like video games and has a lot to learn from me. This was not a good sign, he didn't say horde mage playing wow, he said video games. Some time passes, I do some traveling for another department that was in line with what Chuck told me I was going to do. I had fun, I got things done and the right people saw I was the right person for the job. This will be huge later, trust me.

Well a few weeks into the job Al says he wants me to focus my time playing Halo 3 on an Xbox 360 full time and since I like video games this idea makes sense to him. Al has no experience in video games and doesn't really understand why they even exist. He knows computers, but not games. He has never played computer games and doesn't see a lot of difference between playing a horde mage in wow on a PC versus playing Halo 3 on an Xbox 360. 32 bit graphics, things get shot at other people, there is jumping, it takes more than just dumb luck to get really good, some people use voip servers to group play, so yea, it's the same thing.

Red flags start going up in my mind. The company is small enough that I need to be a team player and adapt some of the things I may not know well so I go along with this, albeit reluctantly.

This goes on a bit more, but now Al is hitting me hard to focus more and more on a single element of Halo 3 on the Xbox. This wouldn't be a bad thing, but it wasn't what I was hired to do, it wasn't really what I was good at and most importantly, it wasn't what he was telling Chuck that we were doing. It was just the only way he knew how to talk to me.

I tried in vain to explain what I knew, what I was hired to do and that we were not getting our goals met because we were focusing on something that was not in line with what Chuck was expecting us to do. I could have done what Al wanted from home, and without having to drive in an hour each way. As it was he scheduled weekly status conference calls with the entire department, which was him and me. He would schedule a conference call with me and I say ten feet from him rather than say hey, let's go talk about where we are at on this thing.

There is a lot more to the story, but at some point I fell so far behind in what I was hired to do and became so frustrated knowing that I was going to look like an idiot when Chuck asked to see what I was doing that I said to Al, this isn't what we and I are supposed to be doing. He blew me off and said; well it's my goal, so we are doing it. I am not one to just up and quit a job. I don't think its professional and if you don't like that as an answer, it will bite you in the ass at some time later because you quit without notice.

I had it one day. I walked into Al's office dropped off my card key, blackberry, laptop and other stuff and said I was leaving. I quit. He was shocked and couldn't understand why. He asked why I was quitting and I said I have tried to explain this in the past and it has fallen on deaf ears and I left. I was shaking with the knowledge I walked out on a good paying job my entire drive home. I went over the hundreds of emails, the conversations everything. That was the longest hour of my life.

I called my wife and told her I quit. She was supportive and concerned about bills. But she was supportive. I know I drank a bottle or two of wine that night and passed out playing my horde mage later. That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my working adult career.

The next day, somewhat hung-over I started the process of reconnecting with friends I used to work with, checking on potential jobs and seeing what was out there. Nothing productive happened; I was still in shock from my decision. I felt better about it, but it was a tough decision. It would take some cutting into the emergency funds if this goes past a month, but I knew something would manifest itself, it's just that it might not be the ideal scenario.

The following day I got a call from Debbie at the place I just quit. I have known her for 15 years. She and I used to work for another company. At one time I actually worked for her. I have a great deal of respect for her because of her knowledge and integrity. But she is a stubborn pain in the ass also. She was in a senior management position at the prior company.

She asked what happened and why I quit. I explained the story. I wasn't cruel and I didn't embellish but I did tell her the facts. She said she wanted to talk to some people and get back to me. I figured this was some kind of exit interview or something and didn't think much about it.

Well the next day she calls and says that the senior management (four out of five of them) totally understands why I quit and want me to come back into a different position and not working for Al. I was blown away. I figured I had burnt the bridge and put land mines for fifty miles between myself and the company and chased the baby seals with a chainsaw. This was just insane, I quit and they want me back.

It turns out I had impressed the right people and they found out Al was sending me on wild goose chases because he didn't know what else to do. Again, there is a lot more to the story, but they not only hired me back, they gave me a raise. I ended up taking a two week vacation without pay, but I went back to the old company, got an office, a promotion, more money and some actual respect. My new job is not playing a horde mage in wow, its playing an undead mage in wow on a pve server. Close in one regard, but very narrow in another. But it's what I know, and it isn't Halo 3 on the Xbox 360.

So back to Al. He doesn't like me, at all. He isn't a dick to me, but I can tell he doesn't like me. I am now at the same management level as he is. I know they asked him all sorts of stuff about me. Whatever he told them, I was still offered a job and came back.

A few months go by and Al hires Bob in my old job. They hired someone closer to what Al wanted and someone that was in line with what Chuck wanted also. But a different position than what I did. Using the same example, they hired someone that has some Halo 3 experience and someone that has played wow, but not a lot of specialization either direction. Bob is also a lot more of a yes man than I would ever be.

So I'm happy, Al's happy, Chuck's happy, Debbie's happy, we're all just one big happy family. All except for Bob it turns out.

Ok, finally back to Bob dropping into my office at 4:30pm yesterday. It's not that I don't like Bob, it's that I don't really deal with his department and honestly I don't really know him well enough to trust him or his intentions being as he works for Al and I know Al doesn't like me. Bob has some very solid knowledge of our industry so I can respect that.

Bob walks into my office, sits down and closes the door and says, so why did you quit? Did you not get along with Al? What were they asking you to do, play wow, or Halo 3, or what? How did Al treat you? I want to know as much about Al as you can tell me, I have to make some decisions.

And then he just sits there waiting, and expecting me to answer.

Talk about asking for my opinion and its totally subjective and talk about pulling the grenade pin and dropping it under my desk. This could just be suicide for me to even respond to him. I don't really have a good way to get out of this and I don't really want to tell him anything that can put me in a bad place. It just isn't a good idea to go back down that road. What the hell am I going to do?

It was a long minute to sit there. It felt like the earlier story but this time I was the supervisor and had to make a decision on what to do. I had to figure out in the fleeting moments of this minute if I was being set up or was I going to say the wrong thing. I have a history of telling things the way I see them that has caused problems for me in the past. I found out, as Jack Nicholson said in "A Few Good Men" that most people cant handle the truth, let alone my personal spin on it.

By nature I don't like office politics, but I have become proficient at ensuring I am in the right place at the right time and talking to the right people. There is a school of thought that says, its all about who you know, and then there are those that say its all about what you know. I think it's a mix of the two of those most of the time, but it can be extreme to either side other times.

So Bob is sitting in my office, its now 4:31pm and he let loose with all canons. Its time to respond. I decide that I'm going to take the high road but leave a few clues along that road that the prudent person would pick up on. While my personal experience with Al was less than exciting, Al does know a few elements of our industry extremely well. They didn't hire him because he is an idiot, they hired him because he knows his sh*t in some very important aspects of our business. Yea, I think the guy is a dick and has the personality of a presto-log, but that isn't the point.

The one other element I haven't mentioned was that when they brought me back my new boss said I was to not talk about anything having to do with my leaving the company and coming back, as it really wasn't anyones business. So all Bob knows is what Al told him or what the rumor mill had going on.

I lean back in my chair and start with my response to Bob.

Bob, i'm not sure what you want me to say. There are some confidential issues that would be inappropriate for me to respond or speculate on. I will say this, there was some miscommunication on both sides during my first incarnation with the company. I think those gaps were closed and the affected parties have moved on"…

Bob interrupts me

Right, but what about Al were you doing what you were hired to do?

I respond, to a certain extent, no I was not. But I'm not going to get into that because it isn't relevant to your position with the company and what you were hired to do. While I am sure there are some similarities between what you are doing and what I did, I simply don't know enough to comment, and that isn't the issue to begin with.

Bob doesn't really like that answer either and says to me that Al is having him do things that are not in line with his understanding of the position and what he is good at. For a moment I must have dropped my poker face and given a substantial tell. Bob looks at me and says, and I know you know what I am talking about.

I switch back to corporate mode and tell Bob, that is between you and Al, I cant help you with your relationship with your supervisor and how job duties are explained or prioritized. You need to talk to Al about this, and if that isn't working, you need to see if you can find some time to talk to Chuck about this. But I am not the person that you need to speak with on that subject.

This didn't phase Bob, he kept up his attack. Bob says to me, well yea, i know but Al is a dick and I am tired of doing things that aren't what I was hired to do. I didn't spend 15 years in the industry learning {Stuff} to come here and do {other stuff} that isn't why I was hired.

My only response to Bob is that he needs to work this out with Al and I leave it at that.

At some point Bob realizes he isn't going to get much more out of me on the issue.

Bob changes gears and tries the end-around. He starts telling me about his personal life, which honestly I don't care about one way or another. He tells me about the company he worked for before and his relationship with prior bosses and how he handled communication issues. I know what he is attempting to do, but I see it coming before Bob gets finished I let him know that this is a new company, we are a newer player in the industry and none of us have been here for a long time. If he has an issue with how things are done, he needs to address them through the normal chain of command. While admirable that he was able to navigate the murky waters of a prior corporate existence, it doesn't change the fact that he is here and needs to handle this in the same way.

Bob knows he hit a road block and doesn't know where to go.

I decide to throw him a bone before I depart for the day. I say, yea, there were some things I was doing that you inherited, some of them make sense and some of them took a long time to complete with little or no benefit to the company or what we were doing at the time. If you have a suggestion and you don't think Al is listening, you need to find a way to say it differently. Yea, some of the projects I was working on were not what I thought I was hired to do. Yea, I didn't make the best decision on how I communicated them to Al and I don't think my departure was the most professional way to leave a company.

I continue building to my closing statement. So, your choices are rather clear, accept the way things are and move on, attempt to change them in some positive way or another and be creative about it, or leave. There just aren't any other options. You cant stay and be miserable, well you can, but then you would be an idiot. So Accept, Change or Leave, but make a decision. The only way this is going to get better is working towards the common good. If you don't need the money, then leave if you don't feel like working through this. If you need the money or the job, then seriously deal with it. But I suggest if you do make a decision, don't go down the road I did, you might not be as lucky as I was.

Bob can see I closed the loop and the conversation is over. He gets up, says thanks and walks out of my office.

I think I answered enough of his questions that he knows what I went through. I don't think I said anything that will haunt me into the nether worlds and I think I left enough clues that he can make some decisions.

Turns out its 5:00pm and I feel like going home. It took around 30 minutes to have the conversation, I think I gave enough of my opinion to be safe and didn't cause problems, so I pack up and head home.

So yea, if you want my opinion, you might get it, you might not. But understand the question and the context of what you are asking before you sit down and ask me anything.

Ps – I don't work in Washington, but I do indirectly work in the medical industry, in a non clinical way

Perspective and Make A Wish

---(from 2009)

I work in California and Dallas Texas (Irving to be specific, but who's counting). I fly to Dallas for a week or two a month to do {Stuff}.

The other day I was on my twice monthly flight from Orange County, California to the Dallas / Ft. Worth International Airport. I dont enjoy this, but it is how I pay the bills.

It had been a long day prior. I had a lot of presentation material to get ready. I was tired. The weekend came and went to fast and Monday morning was not a pretty sight. I packed my red 22" carry on bag and made sure my trusty Dell 620 had all the attachments.

My car was out of gas and I was running late. It was cold outside and had rained a little. I was groggy from not getting enough sleep and my back hurt from sleeping in some John Merrick like position.

Don't get me wrong, these were nothing terrible, I was just internally complaining to myself about the small things in life.

I get to the airport and for some reason American Airlines wouldnt issue me a boarding pass unless I spoke with one of the many, very friendly people at the counter (note, the preceeding line was very sarcastic). It turns out they didnt bill my credit card properly and I had to re-buy my ticket. I'm a little annoyed.

Time goes by, this gets worked out. The security line wasnt bad but my plane was boarding in 15 minutes and I wanted to get something to eat. Which, at the John Wayne / Orange County Airport means McDonalds or starve. Since I know there is no food on the plane. To McDonalds I go.

I get to the gate, people are doing their usual "Stand Around and Wait To Rush The Jetway" when their group is called. I get bumped, pushed and people cut in front of me. Whatever, i've done this before, its expected.

The usual throngs of people on their cell phones are yammering away, the salesmen are making their last pitch for a few hours, the kids are having the same old txt message fest they always do. The same person that always complains about airports is complaining about airports.

I get on the plane in my usual 27f seat (its a 737 if you care, so its the 2nd to last row, window seat). I get this seat because its close to the bathrooms, the exit of the plane if it crashes, I can always store my carry on(s) and if I want a drink I can get up easily and ask for it. Oddly, I have a system going on.

The flight attendants (read: sexy Stews, if you're an Austin Powers fan) check the masses to ensure that no electronic device is on. As you know, your IPod can bring down the plane due to the extreme electro-magnetic interference it causes. Gawd forbid someone uses an electronic Yaghtzee game or we would all die.

The flight is full. I get lucky and there is no one in the middle row. The cooling on the plane isnt working so its much warmer than usual.

We take off and head out east towards Texas and I load Fallout on my laptop (yes, Fallout 1 !!).

Twenty minutes into the flight one of the flight attendants gets on the intercom and says there is a special guest on the flight.

Well this is new, so I actually listen (unlike that whole safety warning video that I havent paid attention to in years).

The message announced is as follows:

"We have a very special guest on the flight today. His name is Christian and he is nine years old. He will be traveling with us today to Texas as part of the Make A Wish Foundation, to join a team of professional storm chasers to hunt for tornados."

For those of you that may not know what that meant, turns out Christian is a nine year old boy with terminal cancer, and this is his dying wish. The plane was silent for a moment then they gave him a standing ovation.

All of a sudden, none of my problems seem of any consequence, my back doesnt hurt, i'm not so tired anymore, the plane isnt really that warm and I wonder what my children are doing at the moment.

Kind of puts things in perspective...

Death - losing friends and family - long

---(from 2009)

I am going to talk on some areas that not all of you may want to read. If so, hit the delete button and no harm done.

I cannot speak for all of you, and I will say, clearly that is not my intention. Its been right around seven years since my dad died and it got me thinking of somethings.

My good friend Geno died in 1990 from stomach cancer. He was a year older than me and we had worked together for a few years when I was a DJ. He died slowly and for the most part in pain over a year.

The last time we did anything it was that I took him to Benihana for sushi. He was rather deep into the chemo, totally bald and couldn’t taste most foods unless they were really spicy. The only way he could keep food down was by smoking out before he ate, otherwise he got sick and that was a really bad thing.

I remember driving to the restaurant and him asking me if he could spark one up. I looked over at the guy, bald, pale, a distended stomach from the cancer and a very frail person that a year prior to this could have easily kicked my ass. At that moment he probably weighed under a hundred pounds and would have broken like a twig if the wind blew the wrong direction.

I didn’t know what to do, so I said f*ck it, let’s go do something we were not supposed to do. Because of the chemo, his immune system was shot and raw fish is not a good thing to eat because of potential bacterial problems. He said; screw them all, I know I am going to die, so let’s have fun. We flirted with waitresses, drank beer (again a No No under chemo) and ate loads of sushi. Somehow the restaurant gave us a discount and it was a good evening. The only thing he ever asked me was “…are you sure you don't mind if I smoke out in your car, because the cops don't like this kind of thing…” Funny story about that, I looked him in the eye and said, like any cop is going to give me a ticket after taking a look at you, hell, they will probably join us for a beer. He laughed. It was one of the greatest feelings I remember when he laughed, at that point in his cancer, his laughter was few and far between.

He died a month or so later. The cancer spread and simply ate him alive. It’s been a lot of years, but I do miss my friend Geno.

If you haven't lost a friend or family member, in one regard I envy you, in another, I pity you for what will eventually come.

My grandmother died in the late 90’s. My grandfather died a few years after that. My dad died in 2002 and my stepfather (my 2nd dad) died two years after that.

I didn’t really see my grandparents during their final months because of work and other BS excuses I made to not see them. I went to their funerals and spoke at both of them

My dad was a different story. He told me mid 2001 he has stage four (read: terminal) cancer (bilateral lung cancer). He asked me to go to the oncologist with him. The doctor said to him, you are going to die, there is nothing we can do about it, and it will be 12 months. So the decision is one and one only, how do you want to spend your last year.

I could see my dad was not taking this well, who would. He asked about smoking and asbestos and all sorts of things that may have been the cause and some things that may have been a cure.

The doctor, ever stoic said, you have 12 months I am sorry.

At this time my dad was healthy. Strong, active in the church and the Lions Club. He exercised daily and worked because it was the right thing to do.

Over the next year he slowly died in front of my eyes. He lost weight, he was in pain, and he started out on a little oxygen (2 liters per minute) and ended up on 20 liters per minute just to catch his breath.

We talked almost every night for months. Eventually I started going over to his house after work pretty much every day. Each day I could see a little more of him fade away.

Eventually we stopped talking because he was so drugged up to numb the pain he wasn’t there anymore.

I wanted my dad back. But that was not going to happen. He was gone and it was just a matter of time.

One day when he was feeling really good, which meant he could stand up, he said lets go get a beer and a burger, just us boys. Mind you, this whole time my brother was stationed overseas on some version of the gulf war part two and simply couldn’t get out of it.

This request to go get a burger was a logistical nightmare. He was on so much oxygen that I had to load the back of the car with these large green tanks that would last him 20 minutes, and they really weren’t enough to keep him going for long. He could also barely stand so anything other than a few feet of a walk, and he was winded.

We said, screw it, we were going. I burnt a full tank driving to the sports bar, the closest one I knew of. I changed tanks for him in the car and it started to rain. We pulled up to the sports bar only to find all of the handicapped parking spaces full, and mind you, not a one of them had the little blue thing that hung from your rear view mirror indicating you had the right to park there. We got lucky and parked around 50 feet from the door. For me no big deal, for him in the rain, holding two oxygen tanks in tow, this was a big deal.

We made it in and sat down. By the time we did, I saw his two tanks were almost depleted. I went back to my car and got two more. There were only four remaining and I knew it would take at least one to drive home.

Sadly I had to rush my dad to eat and get out because he simply needed the oxygen and I could only hold so many tanks in my car.

He got his beer, watched some obscure game on tv and ate most of his burger.

This was the last time I did anything with my dad outside. I can still picture the entire scene in my head.

Similar to Geno, for some reason the restaurant gave us a discount, it wasn’t much, but it felt good to get it. This was a really tough time for me.

It was raining harder and I got him to the car. I plugged in the last tank and said we have to go. He knew there was no denying the truth of his need of the oxygen, but played it off like, let’s go to home depot, I need to get some paint for the office. I said yea, sure, let’s do that, but I drove home just in time to plug him into the two machines that put out the 20 liters he needed and not the tanks that could push a maximum of 12 liters.

He was happy that he got to go out. He kind of thanked me, but more in the way of, let’s do this again next week.

Next week never came.

His condition turned for the worse and he became bed ridden. They put him on so much morphine that he was in an out of a coma for the final months.

I don't know to this day which is worse, losing someone right away without notice or watching them die over time in front of you. I don't want to choose, I don't want to do either. But one or the other will likely happen.

I miss you dad.

Can we get a Status on your ED – Work Story

---(from 2007)

To catch you up, I work for hospitals (I used to do other stuff between working for hospitals, but back to actual hospital business office stuff).

There are lots of terms, acronyms and just odd phrases at hospitals.

One of my favorite I wrote something about a long time ago is FAP. No, it's not that. FAP stands for Financial Assistance Program. This term is used daily by old women talking about patients and charity care adjustments, all the time oblivious to the other meaning of the term.

I digress.

When you go to the hospital you probably go to what you call the Emergency Room (aka the ER). That is in fact a correct term for the name of the place. However at a hospital everything is a department. The Radiology Department, the Oncology Department or even the Pharmacy is a department.

It might be a unit, like the NICU is the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit, but ultimately it is considered a Department for cost center purposes. So you didn’t go to the Emergency Room, you really went to the Emergency Department, or the ED as most of us call it.

Sorry, had to explain it a little better.

So if you watch much TV, or any advertisements during any sporting event there is always some commercial about a guy that takes the magic blue pill and it solves all of this “problems”.

He smiles, he plays golf, he takes a bath in an open meadow with some hot younger chick. This magic pill cures all of his worldly ills.

He suffers from ED (Erectile Dysfunction) or has a midlife crisis and thinks that he has a problem when he really doesn't.

I get a call from a female CFO the other day, it goes kind of like this:

Her: Hi, this is Debbie, I am the CFO for {hospital} and wanted to check the status on your ED?
Me: {shocked}, Um… I’m sorry, my what ?
Her: I show you were due to present your ED findings at the next leadership meeting to all the CFO’s. Do you have your ED information ?
Me: {realizing now what she means} Yes, I have an update on the ED for all the CFO’s that have an ED {I kind of snicker to myself at the wittiness of my phrase}
Her: Great, when can we get a look at the ED reports?
Me: Well that would normally be hard to pinpoint an exact date, but we have been working overtime to correct the ED situation, so I suspect you should see that coming in your email today {again, I consider myself rather witty and extremely immature, but witty nonetheless}.
Her: Great news. I will let the other CFO’s know that your ED information will be in our email soon {I really wanted her to say “…I am glad that your ED is coming along as planned...” but wasn’t so lucky}
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Her: No, thank you for working on the ED reports, this is really going to help us understand the problem better.
Me: Alright, then I will get that out to you as soon as I can. Its just good to hear that the left hand and the right hand are working together on this.
Her: I agree, have a great day.

Some days my job is fun.

How I Enjoy The Corruption of Simplicity

---(from 2007)

I'm not using corruption in the correct sense according to Dictionary.com, but that's ok it isn't really my intent. Mind you there are some versions of the definitions there that I do think come close. For that matter those of you with an education greater than mine (read: 8th grade or equivalent) could probably find a better word.

So back to corruption. I was down in the lunch room in the building I work. There are around 250 people that have access to the lunch room. So we know off the bat, around 248 of them are slobs. The type of people that make a pig sty look, well, more like a lunch room then the actual lunch room in question here.

We used to have bottled water dispensers in the lunch room. Around ten of them as I recall. They are all gone now. For that matter they have technically been gone for weeks because the company stopped buying the large plastic jugs of water. Before you Stalinist types get on the band wagon about the bad company holding us down, wait, there's more.

We had the dispensers, we had the bottles and the bottles were sitting in the dispensers in a capacity that would yield a water-esque by-product if you pressed the magic white button with a cup underneath. That ended and for weeks all we had were the dispensers (sans the plastic bottles of semi-full water, as the French would say), collecting dust. Well, let me clarify, we had the bottles, but they were locked up in another room. We had the dispensers in the lunch room.

Yea, I know, get to the point

We stopped having the full bottles near the dispensers to be used because some moron tried to lift one up and put it in the dispenser and hurt his back (allegedly). Or it was the easy way to file a workers' compensation claim. But wait there is more. So Bubba hurts his back lifting the bottle of water and falls over. In the process Bubba spills some of the water, not a big reach of logic if you visualize the process as a youtube clip or something as he fell over with 40 pounds of water bottle missing its intended target from his back giving out.

Everyone panics. The police, the paramedics, the Action News Team, Human Resources and nine Workers' comp attorneys are called. For that matter, even OJ was asked to explain where he was when the water bottle fell on Bubba.

Bubba is taken away and now lives off of $1842 a month of disability pending his claim of negligence against the company.

Again, I digress. So some water spilled on the floor. After the mass exodus of all involved finally leaves the lunch room and the CSI team finishes their investigation, someone forgot to put of the little yellow sign that said Slippery Floor. So an hour later, Marge comes in thinking she can get some water from the ever full dispensers that the company put in the lunch room and slips and falls hurting her back as her ancient bones fell the two and a half feet to the ever waiting slick faux-tile floor.

Again mass hysteria, dogs and cats living together and the Action News Team is back for their investigation and nine workers' compensation attorneys are again called, drooling with every ring of their phone.

The company panics. Attorneys are called, consultants are consulted and the Bobs come in to evaluate "Is This Good For The Company"

In what seems like years later and hundreds of memos circulating over the company exchange server the verdict comes in.

It is determined that we cant have water lifted by an employee randomly. Water must be lifted by a designated and qualified manager that has taken a "Water Bottle Safety Lifting Test" and wears that strange fitting black Velcro bondage device that makes sure he doesn't blow a ball and cause a hernia in the extremely difficult Lift With Your Legs and NOT your back kind of thing.

So here is where the corruption part comes in. That qualified and tested manager goes out on stress leave a few days later. One would have to assume the pressure of being the only one qualified in a company of 250 to lift a bottle of water simply overcame him. I suspect we would all crack under such great pressure. The company has no disaster recovery plan. The consultants are gone, there is no one left to make a decision. The unthinkable has occurred, the seventh seal has been broken.

Fast Forward to yesterday (again). So they finally remove the empty dispensers that have been collecting dust. They remove the empty water bottles from before Bubba hurt his back and Marge slipped and fell fusing all vertebrae of everyone within two hexes on the map. The rust stains from spilled water from the metal feet of the dispensers can be viewed like the chalk outline from some heinous crime scene. The broken lids of water bottles can be viewed sitting behind refrigerators.

The water is gone. Sorrow fills the building. A time of mourning is scheduled.

But the good news is we have a locked storage room full of water bottles, well full of full water bottles to be exact and one unused black Velcro lifting aid thingy to prevent a designated and tested Qualified Manager from blowing out a ball if he were ever to lift a water bottle again.

Corruption just seemed to fit this one, not sure why.

But if I was going to digress, somehow this story reminded me of this drinking game in college and this chick that was a Bio-Sci major with red hair. But that's for another day.

Things to say your first day at the job

---(from 2007)

So I work for this company. There are people in the company. Some I like, some I don't. I come from the School of How to Loathe people and avoid them as necessary.

So they hire this new guy named Ed, Older, balding white guy with lots of freckels and wears glasses. You know a chick magnet. Well he is hired into my old job. Which i'm sure they paid him more than me. So you know, I already dont like him.

We're in a meeting yesterday about this convention thing we have to attend. After the meeting his boss introduces him and puts him on the spot to say a few words about himself. He squirms a little and tries of to think of the right thing to say. No pressure Ed, its only the entire executive mananagement team and all their direct reports in one room.

So he was about to make or break his initial opinion with the company.

He says

"Hi, i'm Ed. I'm glad to be here, I want to thank the team for hiring me and really want to help the team out in any way I can. Because you know, there is no "I" in team, so im glad to be here, as part of this new team. I really look forward to meeting all the members of the team and the support staff that make the team a success."

I think, sweet mother of gawd, could you say the word team any more in one breath.

So I was thinking, what are you supposed to say your first day at work. Because I enjoy the dark side of life, I have a few suggesstions.

1) Hey nice to meet all of you, this is probably the last time you will see me sober.

2) Damn, they werent kidding when they said there are no hot chicks working here.

3) Wow, the combined ages of all of you in this room is probably double the combined IQ. I'll fit in well.

4) Who do I talk to about vacation days, im burnt out from all this meeting and talking and stuff

5) Be right back, i got 110cc's of Columbia's finest waiting for me in the car.

6) f*ckin' A im tired, staying out all night in Tijuana with those hookers can really take its toll

7) Anyone mind if I take off early, most of my porn should be downloaded at home by now

8) What are the graphic specs on our desktop computers, I want to know what settings WOW will play at.

9) Are you people going to get all into "The Rules" and tell me I cant use the womans bathroom like my last company

10) Which one of the IT people runs the MP3 server, I have some stuff I would like to upload.

11) I need to call my parole officer twice per day and verify my GPS coordinates to calibrate my ankle monitor for those alledged convictions that got me for, which phone should I use

The Highest Ranking Pawn Remaining - old work story

---(from 2012)

So when the cat is away, most people, well according to the saying, they play. In my case this isn't always so much fun.

Please be warned there will be some potentially graphic descriptions of things that you may find disgusting, revolting, funny or sick. You have been warned.

This week for one reason or another pretty much everyone with a title, stock options or the ability to say No without being questioned is gone. Normally that is a good thing. This week, not so much.

We have a mandatory monthly department meeting where each department goes over non-operational issues to make sure we do the house-cleaning. I have only sat in on one of these before, and frankly they are dreadfully boring and deal with things that are the equivalent to adult babysitting and telling kids to clean their room.

One of the rules to this meeting is someone in senior management must attend and comment on how to best resolve some of these issues. With all of the senior management gone and anyone else that usually goes, that left me.

Hence the title of the thread.

That makes me the highest ranking pawn left on the board. So it was me that had to go and provide "advice, perspective and guidance to the supervisors "in this meeting.

The format goes like this: All the supervisors show up to the meeting or call in if they are in a different office. Each one of them has a list of issues they need to discuss and resolve. A lot of this can be a complain session over things they should have handled but didn't. Some of it is genuine issues and some of it is just total BS that makes you want to run out the door screaming. As usual, I will highlight the more interesting items and omit the boring stuff.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

The cleaning crew (aka janitorial staff) has indicated in the past week the woman's restroom has had a reoccurring issue with feminine protection being left on the floor in a used capacity and the seat of the toilet.

What I wanted to say

So you are telling me some woman, left bloody tampons or maxi-pads on the floor of the bathroom and the toilet seat had blood on it after she used it. That's just FN disgusting. Find her and fire her for being a slob

What I actually said

Please make sure the female supervisors in the departments that use the women's restroom hold a meeting with the women and ensure they are leaving the restroom clean and safe after they use it. If necessary, the female supervisors will need to make periodic checks of the restroom to identify any specific individuals that need to be spoken with.

{Supervisors of Department B}

Issue:

The copy machine in my area is going through twice as much paper as we did last month and we have to borrow paper from another department

What I wanted to say:

So in other words either someone in your department is using it more then before or someone from another department is stealing your paper for their machine. And you don't know which one it is.

What I actually said:

Please make sure your dedicated clerical person is ensuring that the paper for the copy machines is kept in the (locked) supply room and paper is removed when it is needed for the copy machine. Also please ask the clerical person to check if any one person is requesting additional paper that is allocated for the copy machine or is making unusually large amount of copies

{Supervisor of Department C – male}

One of my staff {older woman} claims she almost tripped and fell when leaving the building because of some cigarette butts on the ground by the back entrance.

What I wanted to say:

You are FN kidding me; she almost tripped over a cigarette butt. Yea right. Oh yea, and go tell the smokers to stop being lazy bastards and put their cigarette butts in the metal garbage can.

What I actually said:

Please distribute a memo to the staff instructing them that they are to use the designated smoking areas and the receptacles specifically designed for cigarette butts. Also, please ask the cleaning crew check the entrances of the building to ensure they are clean and safe.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

Several of my staff have said {complained} that they can no longer get to the required internet sites to complete their job.

What I wanted to say:

So you mean since we put in the content filter and myspace, yahoo videos, youtube and facebook are blocked your staff is pissed off ? Because I don't remember you sending IT a list of required work related sites you needed. Oh yea, and since we cut out youtube and streaming audio and video, our bandwidth dropped by 25% a day.

What I actually said:

As soon as you can, please forward a list of sites that your staff requires to complete their daily work responsibilities. I will then ask IT to add them into the content filter as approved.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

We are running out of plastic forks and spoons in the lunch room and would like to order more next month. I would like to double the order.

What I wanted to say:

Holy sh*t, we order 5000 of each per month for 100 people. I know that not all of them use them, where the hell are they going. Are we supporting a family picnic every weekend for half the staff? Seriously, where are they going? Al Gore is going to call me and say I'm filling up landfills with plasticware.

What I actually said:

To my understanding our staffing levels {in your office} have remained consistent so I am not sure how we are running out of disposable utensils. In the past we have had them stockpiling in the storage room. Perhaps we should better evaluate if they are being used for defined lunch and break times by the staff before we order more.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

We are having a problem with emails from clients not getting through our spam filter.

What I wanted to say:

You mean the emails that say V!@gra, Big Hairy P*ssy, College Sluts and Make her Cum all night, you mean those emails. Because yea, we block those. Yea and all those viruses we were getting from someone downloading those cute emote-i-cons, well we block those too now.

What I actually said:

If you can identify an email that has not been received and the sender indicates it has been sent, then I will ask the IT staff to review the spam filter and see if it is seen there. From that point we will create a rule to allow these emails to pass through the filter.

There is more, but you get the point. Oh the joys of being the highest ranked pawn on the wrong day.

Sudafed - I am now a registered Drug Fiend

So I've been sick for a few days. Nothing major, just the yearly head cold thing. I went through a bottle of Nyquil and a few alka seltzer cold packets and not much helped.

I wasn't sick enough to go to the doctor, but enough that I would go to the store to get something a little stronger. Sudafed came to mind as something I once took that seemed to help. So off to Albertsons I go.

So far, so good.

I walk into the store, tired and with a headache but ready to make my fast easy purchase of an over the counter cold remedy (as seen on TV).

I get to the drug aisle only to find that most of the cold medicines are gone and in their place are little pieces of paper with a picture of the actual product on them. The sign says take this to the pharmacist to get it filled.

Huh ?, this is over the counter stuff, it doesn't need a pharmacist. Whatever, so I take the card to Mr. Chang the pharmacist. I figured he must be an actual pharmacist because he had a name tag and a white lab coat.

He looks at me and asks how old I am. I reply over 18. For the record, I am well past 18 and don't look anything even close to being 18. He asks for my driver's license as proof of age. Trust me, im over 18 I say. That doesn't work, I still need to show him my drivers license.

He asks how many boxes of Sudafed I have purchased in the last week. I reply, truthfully, none. Mr. Chang appears not to believe me. He asks how many boxes of Sudafed or similar medicine I have purchased in the past month. Again, I truthfully reply, none. He gives me the evil eye, but that's it. Evidently I've passed the first test.

He gets the actual pharmacist to come over and initial some form. He gets out another form and shoves it in front of me and says I need to fill it out. I ask why, cause I'm stoopid like that. He says I need to register as someone that is purchasing Sudafed or any other similar product. I say, seriously you're kidding right. Mr. Chang does not kid I find out. Mr. Chang is to sense of humor as Hillary Clinton is to Super Model.

I fill out the form. I print my name and sign my name. I initial in the box that says I am in fact me. Mr. Chang signs the form and initials in the box that says he asked me my age and verified that I am me based on my drivers license.

Mr. Chang gets the pharmacist to come over and sign the log and initial the box proving that Mr. Chang is in fact Mr. Chang and I am in fact me.

But wait, there's more.

He enters all this information in the computer. He prints something out. He files that something in the special box and staples the carbon copy of the form that we all signed and initialed to the something he prints out.

He actually gets the Sudafed out of a semi locked area behind the counter next to the real drugs that require an actual prescription and puts it in a bag. Mr. Chang staples the bag closed with the receipt. He initials the time and date that he stapled the receipt to the bag with the Sudafed in it.

He hands me the bag.

Because I have found this experience so entertaining, and such a valuable use of my time, I decide one more time on the humor route with Mr. Chang. I ask him since I can only buy one box, if I can buy 100 more for a friend that is sick and just got out of rehab for meth addiction, but has a bad cold...

Mr. Chang does not smile. Mr. Chang says no I can not. Mr. Chang says I am allowed to purchase one box of 24 easy-to-swallow Sudafed per week. Mr. Chang says I am now registered with all pharmacies nationwide that are under the jurisdiction of the Drug Enforcement Agency and that all purchases of Sudafed or similar product will now be on my permenent record.

I gasp, Not My Permenent Record. Oh Noes !!!!!111

As I walk away, I ask Mr. Chang if I can buy 11 kegs of beer and 42 quarts of cheep vodka for a party I am throwing at the local high school. Mr. Chang says he will call the liquor manager and see if they have that many kegs in stock.

I leave the store, one more victory in hand and a box of easy to swallow over the counter Sudafed, as seen on TV.

Work Travel - an old story

---(from 2007)

I started a new job and wrote this:

So the first day is long (Salaried, not hourly). No big deal. Then the boss decides that some random client in some random other place needs to meet me, tomorrow. So he drops this on me (btw, i live in california).

and tomorrow you're flying to Memphis, then Atlanta and the next day Chicago and then back to the west coast...

Well like she said it's been an interesting trip. I write this from the Marriott Courtyard somewhere near Toledo, Ohio. I don't know where it is simply because I have either been eating, sleeping or walking to the local office max at 8:00 am local time to get copies of stuff for people we are meeting today.

My flight from LAX was a disaster. I was scheduled (first class mind you) to fly out on NWA (which is either Northwest Airlines or African Americans with Tenacity, Prescience of mind and Forward thinking-projected self esteem, not sure). The flight was great until we got on the plane. From there it went now where (to which downhill would have been an upgrade).

We hit the tarmac and the Airbus 320 computer broke. We sat in the plane for an hour. The computer was eventually fixed (rumor has it they did a ctrl-alt-del). However after sitting on the plane for an hour we burned enough fuel that we had to go back and get more. Note to self: make sure you have gas before you fly the big old jet liner.

We go back and get more gas. We wait. Dick head the long haired hippy wants to get off the plane because he will miss his connecting flight. As we all will. He argues and debates with the flight attendants (note: I didn't call them sexy stewardesses (because most were dudes)). Dick head burns up ten minutes of time. Dick head eventually sits down. The plane eventually gets out of the gate and rolls back to the place we were like an hour ago. The plane stops. The passengers all let out a well uniformed and coordinated sigh of anguish.

Fifteen minutes later the captain says the computer that was broken, and is now fixed is broken again (Should have got a Linux server CEJ would say). It's been two hours since we left the gate. The captain says the plane is not going anywhere today, apologies for the inconvenience and we roll back to the gate.

As Johnny Lydon would say - Anger is An Energy

We de-plane, confusion sets in. There is no one from NWA at the gate; none of the monitors are listing other flights that we can take.

Me and Tim (the guy I am traveling with) call Valerie (the proverbial super woman administrative assistant) and have her try to find us another flight to get us to Chattanooga. Minutes pass. Valerie says there are none.

Plan B

We ask Valerie to book us on Delta to Atlanta. Cause as you well know, when in doubt go to Atlanta on Delta...

We begin our walk from one side of LAX to the other. Because the NWA terminal that fly's us to Chattanooga is in the International terminal and the Delta gate that fly's us to Atlanta is in the domestic terminal. Like duh, who didn't know that...

We walk to Delta terminal, avoiding the random gunfire from the Inglewood pointed at LAX.

On our way to Delta Tim realizes his luggage is still on the cancelled NWA flight. He calls Valerie to attempt to track it down.

We get to Delta, wait for a bit in the bar (Note: Jack and Coke made a visit). Our plan is to take Delta to Atlanta, get in at Midnight local time, rent a car and drive to Chattanooga and make our meeting at 10:00 am the next day. Somewhere in there we were going to find a Marriott and sleep, but I don't think I was advised of that detail.

The Delta flight goes fine. Even though I'm in first class, I refuse (/cry) all the hundreds of free drinks they have to offer. Simply because Tim has now drunk his body weight in red wine (odd How I can Relate to that one) and I might have to drive.

We get to Atlanta. I have a jacket, Tim does not, but he has had like three bottles of red wine. Oh yea, its 20 degrees and there is a strong wind blowing.

Tim has a message from Valerie that NWA can't locate his luggage and he needs to put in a claim ticket. Tim utters something about getting a drink and running out of smokes. I translate and say "You're Screwed". Tim nods. It's cold.

We follow the sexy stews to the Marriott shuttle bus. Why you ask, well because Valerie booked us in the Marriott Airport inn for the night because she was smart enough to know either 1) Tim would be wasted or 2) See #1.

We take the shuttle (sans the sexy stews) to the Marriott Airport. It's now like 1:00 am local. I'm tired, Tim is still wasted and out of smokes. But the good news is he is soon to get more smokes.

We check in. Tim mutters something about 8:00 am and Bob. I assume this means I have to be in the lobby at 8:00 am and someone named Bob is picking us up. This of course means two things. I have to get up at 4:30 am my time to be up and ready and in the lobby at 8:00 am local time. Secondly it means Tim will legally still be drunk. I look forward to this.

I don't sleep well because my time sense is all jacked up and I dread being up at 4:30 am my time.

Whatever...

The alarm goes off and I get my automated wake up call.

I am really tired and know that at least a hot shower will wake me up.

Funny how life is, I often say.

I get into the shower, turn on the water thingy and find out, there is NO F*CKING HOT WATER. Seriously, none, as in there isn't any. There is cold water, but very, very low pressure. There will be no shower today. Thoughts of changing careers to mass murder at a hotel flash through my mind. Had it not been for the stock options, I would have changed at that moment.

Later I find out that the hotel had a convention and my entire wing was booked. Hence every moron in the building was attempting to use the shower pretty much all at the same time.

I ended up using a washcloth and the sink like a homeless person to clean off. Think of washing a small dog or something, then you get the picture.

I leave my room, do the red eye stumble to the lobby only to realize I haven't eaten in nine hours and know I won't be able to eat for another eight if I'm lucky.

Starbucks in the lobby has some microwave surprise, so I go that route.

More later, I have to go back to office max to pick stuff up

The second to last chapter

The Waitress

Well I finally made it home to Orange County, CA last night. We were the last flight of the night. As you may not know the Orange County (aka John Wayne) airport rolls up the sidewalks and closes at 11:00 pm at night. So if your plane isn't on final approach five minutes before you land, you will be going to LAX and taking the middle eastern shuttle back to Orange County.

Let us back track, shall we.

I finally got to sleep the night before around 9:00pm local time. We went to eat at "The Brewhouse" based on the recommendation of the Marriott shuttle bus driver and part time maid. A nice woman that knew every local restaurant and shop in the greater Toledo area, and made it a point to impart this knowledge to Tim and myself when she picked us up at the airport. She talked non stop for 30 minutes about life, living in Toledo and how her prescription for "stop smoking now" costs $117. But it was worth it since she spent $300 per month on smokes. Sound logic if you ask me.

I digress…

She convinces us that the best place (and closest) to the hotel is the brewhouse. So we go. Nice place, they sell beer and have a bar, so Tim was happy. They had food, so I was happy.

We go in and sit down, its 40 degrees outside and warm inside. Life is good I think.

We get a table in the bar, not sure why, but perhaps Tim's reputation proceeds him. I don't care, I just want to eat.

The table is close to this older couple that is eating ribs in some tribal frenzy. There is rib sauce every where and the lady continues to elbow me in the back as she takes full swings at the full rack of ribs on the plate. Her husband makes strange gutteral sounds as he gnaws on the bone while eating his ribs. They scare me. However, they eventually leave and my back stops getting her elbow shoved in it, so things are looking up.

The bar is all wooden. There are the odd pieces of sports lore on the walls and a few video games in a corner. A few college basketball games are on the tvs over the bar and a three year old world series of poker is playing near our table. The place has that "local bar" feel to it. You know its a local bar, because when you get the menu the stains from various food products served can be carbon dated back to the turn of the 19th century. I actually kind of like the place. It has character.

Tim and I go over the events for the next day and wait around for our server.

A few minutes later this totally hot 21 year old waitress comes up and advises us she will be serving us tonight. How do I know she was 21, well, duh I asked. Her name was Charlotte and she was a sophomore at University of Toledo. She also had a very nice solid B rack brown hair held up with a pen behind her head, five feet five or so, curves in the best places, green eyes and a smile that would melt the strongest of men. She had a hint of Asian buried somewhere in there, some strange kind of Scandinavian thing going on and the rest was solid Heartland US of A. She also screamed of "Life of the Party".

Did I mention that the cold air does wonders for the scenery when it blows in the front door, into the bar and all over Charlotte. Well it does.

Charlotte explains this is her first week and she is still kind of nervous.

There are two version of the story. One is true the other, well, isn't so true. I'll let you decide. I know which one I like better.

Tim has to make a few calls and leaves the table for a while. Evidently I'm not privy to the entire super secret goings on. By the way, I don't care that much anyway.

Charlotte smiles and takes my beer order. A moment later she brings me a Tsing Tao (that's Chinese for beer, Mate). She butchers the pronunciation of the beer and I smile and let her know how it is pronounced. We make small talk about work, college, living in Toledo and stuff to do in this part of town. I must have said something funny because she laughs a few times. She comments that I am a really nice person and she doesn't know too many people since she transferred from the junior college in her town to the U of T. She rents a small apartment near college and works part time to help pay bills.

I don't think much of it as I am having trouble concentrating on multiple syllable words when she is standing so close. The front door opens and that same cold breeze blows in. She notices the effect it has on her and becomes embarrassed as it is now visible to me and she is standing so close. I smile and let her know that I have no issue with this and she seems to like the attention anyway.

Tim comes back and the food is eventually delivered. Its ok quality but it does the trick. Tim says he has to get back to the hotel and will wait outside having a smoke and waiting for the shuttle bus. In short, I am paying the bill. No big deal, so I wait for the bill to be delivered from ever so hot Charlotte.

She brings over the bill and says she is getting off work in and hour and asks if I know any place around here to get a beer. I explain that I don't really know where here is and I am from California.

Her face lights up and she says "Really". I say yea. I explain I am out here on business and have to leave tomorrow. Her previously lit off face, with that perfect skin and seductive smile recedes a bit.

I explain that I am staying at the Marriott just on the other side of the street and if she wants to get a beer, I would be more then happy to go with her. The smile comes back and she says she would call me. She say she has a car, so its all good.

Wow, did the room get hot all of a sudden.

I pay the bill, go outside and Tim is in the shuttle bus. We make the nine minute drive back to the hotel. Tim says he has stuff to do and that we will meet in the lobby tomorrow around 10:00 am local.

I think, damn"… I have lots of time to go out and have fun.

I go to my room and get my stuff ready for tomorrow.

Then it hits me. I never gave Charlotte my last name. She won't be able to tell the hotel people which room to call. Oh, the Humanity. I am such and Idiot. I see the tight green shirt that was soon to be coming off in my hotel room blow away down the freeway, never to be seen again no matter how hard i reach out for it, it is gone. That smile, that hair, those legs, those jeans and how they fit every 21 year old curve of that body.

I die a little inside at the loss.

I go back to cleaning up and preparing for tomorrow. A shell of the former me, empty, hollow, less will to live...

There is a knock on the door. I don't think twice, I go over and answer it. Not knowing what to expect I open the door.

It's room service with my order. I explain I didn't order anything and the guy with the cart says, whoops wrong room. The door closes. For a moment, only for a brief moment, hope it could have been someone else at the door.

A minute later the phone rings. I am assuming I am going to get a call from the lobby room service people apologizing for bothering me. I mentally prepare my "don't worry about it response".

I pick up the phone and don't hear anything. Ok, that's odd. I repeat the universal phone phrase "Hello". I hear this voice on the other end "Is this {insert my name here}". I respond yea, who is this. The voice says "Charlotte". My heart skips a beat, my mind flashes to the boobage attached to that voice, among other things. I ask how did you get my number. She responds, well you did pay with a credit card that had your name, and you did get picked up in the Marriott Airport shuttle bus, so I just called and asked for your room.

Wow, not only is she hot, but smart.

Before I can ask why she called she says, come on out, I'm in the lobby. I brought some beer and got off work, let's go some people at work just told me this great place to go. She asks "Are you still interested ?"

or the other version...

The waitress was hot. Her name was Charlotte. She went to college at the U of T. She smiled at us she was very friendly. We ate food. There was a cold wind that did wonders. We paid the bill. We left. I went to sleep early and was awaken at 8:00 am to go to office max to get stuff printed.

The Expense Report - another work story (long)

---(From 2007)

Disclaimer: I actually like my job and the people I work with.

Modification to the disclaimer above: It's just that some of them are total FN anal retentive idiots.

I started my current job in January this year. The second day I was here I was off on a plane with the head of marketing Tim, (title is actually CEO of the marketing company and Executive Vice President of my division). I went to far off exotic places like Memphis, Chattanooga, Chicago and Toledo. 

Typically I assume most business travelers pay for stuff on their personal credit card and later file an expense report to get reimbursed. This is how I have known things for quite a while. The way I figure it, as long as they pay me before I get the bill, then no harm, no foul.

So I go on this trip, spend money on stuff for the trip that's work related. I get back to work and gather up all my receipts. The administrative assistant Valerie does the expense reports for all the executives and volunteered to do it for me because I was new, and honestly I didn't know how to fill it out. Not that I couldn't have figured it out, but she did volunteer.

For those of you losing interest in the story, Valerie is 27 years old, Long blonde hair, 34Bx24x32 and around five foot three. She fills out a pair of jeans and a tight shirt that would make a grown man cry.

Back to our story.

So my expense report comes in at around $3600. The whole thing had been floated on my American express card, so I kind of needed to get the reimbursement before the bill or I had to pay it. I have the money to cover it, but prefer that it stays in my bank.

The policy on expense reports has a few sections that will become relevant later

1) Expense reports turned in from the 16th through the end of the month will be available the 15th of the following month. Reports turned in from the 1st through the 15th will be available on the last day of the month.
a) I don't really like this because I don't think it takes this long, but whatever. Mine was turned in prior to the 15th, so I should only have to wait two weeks. That would play out fine with American express.

2) Alcoholic beverages are not a covered expense
a) Makes sense, but if you take a client to dinner, it's not like you tell them "Sorry, I can't allow you to order a beer, it isn't covered."

3) First class travel isn't covered
a) So far this is bad, but I have an out later

4) All computer hardware purchased must be approved by the CIO prior to purchase
a) I'm going on a business trip, so this is fine with me.

5) Office supplies will be ordered by the designated clerical person in each department
a) Uh, ok, I wasn't thinking I would need hanging folders or 1000 paper clips

6) If approved by senior management, exceptions to the reimbursement policy can be made based on business necessity
a) You always need an out !

Valerie filled it out and I basically forget about the expense report and go on my merry way. Around the 1st of the month my American express bill arrives and has around $3600 of work charges on it. I send an email to the guy in accounting asking him if my check is ready

Dear {accounting guy} is my expense check available?

He replies, just like this

Your expense report has been Declined.

There was nothing else on his reply. I seriously said WTF is going on here.

I don't know this guy personally. I have heard he is a very By The Book kind of person that is in the locked, secure, Finance Employees ONLY section of the office up north. Hence I don't have the ability to walk over and ask him what is going on.

I look up his name on the employee intranet phone directory so I can call him. I dial the number and it goes immediately to voice mail. That means he has his phone on "Make Busy" or "Forward to Voice Mail". This is not a good sign. I figure worst case scenario is he must be at lunch or at a meeting (its 9:00 am), so the meeting is a plausible option. I listen to his voice mail as he drones on. After the usual salutations the autobot from finance says

"…if you are calling about accounts receivable, accounts payable, expense reports or check requests all communication needs to be in email format"…"

Ok, so I get the idea to make sure things are covered to ensure there are no problems. I don't like this, and think I could have been told earlier, but I will roll with it.

I go back to my office and hit the email.

Dear {accounting guy} please explain why my expense report has been, as you stated "Declined"

He replies a while later

Your report and the explanation for reimbursement denial along with the applicable polices and procedures has been sent to you via interoffice mail.

Well this just sucks, I'm not in that office. Interoffice mail goes like this, anything not received by noon isn't sent until the next day. The receptionist is better at myspace.com then she is at getting the office mail out to us. So it usually takes two days.

I get a package from him two days later. It has my expense report, all the receipts associated with it, a copy of the entire policy and procedure for expense reports and an excel page with sections checked off telling me why I won't be paid on this.

I am starting to not like him.

Whatever, so I sit down with the excel sheet and see what I need to work on. Not bad only seven items on my crimes against humanity list. That puts me below Pol Pot but slightly above Pinochet

1) No signature. Expense reports must be signed by the requestor
a) Valerie signed this for me. She does this for all the executives and they get paid. But I'm not at that level, so ill sign it. One down.

2) First class travel is a non covered expense
a) I know this. My flight was booked sitting next to the marketing guy. He requested it, they pay for his, I didn't book the flights. I send off an email to him asking for his approval on the exception to this rule. I don't see this as a problem

3) Alcoholic beverages are a non covered expense.
a) If you read the other thread then you understand this one. In short Tim said buy me a drink, or I paid for dinner, and alcoholic beverages were on the bill. I add a section to my email to Tim asking him to have this waived also.

4) Duplicate flights are a non covered expense
a) What happened was one flight was cancelled and we had to book another flight to get there. I am waiting for a refund. I am not totally sure what to do about this, so I write an email to {accounting guy} explaining that I am waiting for a refund, but that I shouldn't have to float the money when I traveled for business. In essence, why do I have to be sadled with the charge.

5) Computer hardware purchases must be approved by the CIO and are not eligible for expense reports unless a purchase order is not accepted by the vendor.
a) What the hell is he talking about? I didn't order any computer hardware. I add a section to my email to him letting him know I didn't order any computer hardware

6) Air travel expenses are not covered if they do not match the itinerary
a) Now he is being a dick I figure. My original flight was cancelled, it won't match the itinerary. I add more stuff to the email explaining how one flight was cancelled and we got on a different airline at the last minute to get to Atlanta.

7) Office supplies are a non covered expense.
a) OK, guilty, I bought a set of pens and a notebook in Toledo to write things down for a meeting. It was like $12.00 and I bought one sitting in the discount bin.

I sign the expense report. One item down six to go.

I send off the email to Tim and copy Valerie on the first class travel and the cancelled flights. Tim responds and says I was booked first class to go over the next day's agenda and this was a business necessity. Tim adds something about a client meeting and that drinks were authorized. He doesn't outright lie, but he bent the truth about as far as he could. Note to self, Tim kicks ass ! Valerie responds that the second flight to Atlanta was made because the first flight was cancelled. She forwards and updated itinerary to me. Cool, four items knocked out quickly. Two to go.

I don't like it, but ill punt on the office supplies. I don't really want to argue about $12.00 so I'll sacrifice this one and move on. One item left.

I send him an email saying I didn't buy any computer hardware. He responds an hour or so later with a line number on my expense report. I look at the entry and it says "Printing Supplies – Office Depot ,Toledo OH."

I spent $250.00 on getting 40 or so brochures copied and bound for Tim to present to the clients. This isn't hardware. This guy is either being a dick or he didn't read the receipt to verify.

I respond to him this was a request by Tim to get brochures printed for clients.

Ten minutes later he replies, "Copying services are considered office supplies and must be ordered by the department clerical person. If you would like to remove this item from your report and submit it for a purchase order to be completed by the clerical person please do so."

Seriously, this guy is really being a dick now.

I respond in email and copy Tim. I indicate this was a request from Tim to get client brochures made. We were in Toledo there was no clerical person available, it was a last minute request.

Tim replies in typical Tim fashion "Please pay this without further question"

I have to assume that shut him up.

Well all my items have been taken care of. Cool.

I send him back an email, asking if the check will be ready today?

He responds

Expense reports turned in from the 16th through the end of the month will be available the 15th of the following month. Reports turned in from the 1st through the 15th will be available on the last day of the month.

This is getting ridiculous. I forward the email to my boss, give him a brief explanation of things and ask him what he can do.

He sends an email to the CFO and copies {accounting guy} asking if they can put a rush on my check as I have addressed all of the listed concerns.

By the time all this had transpired it was time to go home.

I get a response the next day from {accounting guy} he says he will rush this, but it wont be ready until the 15th due to other pressing issues.

My boss asks, if I can wait or if this is a financial emergency. Well it isn't a financial emergency, I don't want to be a whiner, so I say, I can wait.

This of course means I have to pay the $3600 out of my money and get paid in a few weeks. Whatever"…

The 15th rolls around, I don't get a check. I email {accounting guy} asking him if the check was processed. He says yes [color=red]a check for $2800 was sent interoffice mail to me today.[/color]

Wait, what ?

I respond that the amount of the expense report was $3600, which is more than $2800 by around $800.

He gets back to me later in the day and says that [color=red]duplicate expenses that a refund is pending are not expenseable[/color]

The duplicate expense was from the cancelled flight to Atlanta that I had to pay while I wait for the refund to be processed from the airlines.

I reply and tell him this. He replies and copies my boss and the CFO and re-explains how the company does not pay for expenses where a refund is pending and expected.

Which means I have to float the money for a business expense until I get the refund from the airline. No deep pockets here it seems.

Valerie had previously called the airline and they said they were investigating this, but it could take 30 ~ 45 days. Yea, like they don't know that they cancelled a flight.

At this point I was done with the process, it just wasn't worth it. I have a platinum American express card. I called them and explained the duplicate flights. They saw I booked two flights from LAX to Atlanta in one day and put a hold on the charge until it was resolved.

I got my expense check of $2800 three days later.

40 days later Northwest airlines issued their refund to me.

Accounting guy is still there, waiting for my return with a rubber "Decline" stamp in hand.

Another Work Story - The "Problem" with "Problems"

-----(This is actually a story from 2997, I just thought it was funny)

So as part of one of my many job duties I get to meet with various departments and check their compliance to and their performance to defined goals. Most of this involves a fairly simple formula

If I were Johnny Lydon, it would be "This is what you want, This is what you get."

In my case it goes like this, "Your goal is x and you did y. If y is greater than x, then you are exceeding your goals. If x is greater than y, then you did not exceed your goal."

The one thing I know about the goals is they are based on a business model that says we have to make more money then we spend to stay in business (with a little pad added for unknown costs such as HIPAA implementation, as an example). Are goals are pretty standard for the industry.

So yesterday I had to talk with one of the billing departments. They send a {claim} to another company for payment (think medical bills to insurance companies). To make this really easy to grasp, there are 1000 claims that need to be sent each month. They range from $50 ~ $10,000 each. We have five people, so they each should send 200 per month. In a perfect world all would be sent, all would be received, all would be processed, all would be paid and all of this within around 30 days..

Shocking Update: It isn't a perfect world.

The following is an overly simplified example of the process.

Historically we know that 10 ~ 15% of them will never pay (the reasons are varied and require lengthy explanations). We know 25 ~ 50% of them will pay a reduced amount. We know 25 ~ 50% of them will pay outside of the 30 day mark (and these claims may pay a reduced amount). A claim that pays a reduced amount needs to be researched and lots of other {stuff} needs to be done to get it to pay the expected amount. It takes people calling various companies to get these paid. We know 10 ~ 15% of them will pay within the 30 day period, the expected amount and no follow up will be required.

We hope that the claims that never pay are the smallest dollars. We hope that the claims that pay without intervention are the largest dollars. It almost never works this way.

We also hope people get their 200 claims out and follow up on anything that needs additional work effort. We hope they don't spend time on the small dollar accounts when larger dollar accounts need work to get paid. We also know the smaller dollar accounts that need additional work are a lot easier to get resolved than the larger dollar accounts that need work. For the record there are defined policies on all of this that the employees see as part of their job description.

So yesterday I spend time with people to get information on how things are going. I run reports on productivity for the individuals and the department. I compare them to other departments and to last year.

This is what I find:

Not all staff are getting their 200 claims out.
Not all staff are working the claims based on the proper dollar amounts.
A percentage of claims that pays with no interaction has remained the same for a long time, and in line with industry standards.
A percentage of claims that don't pay has remained the same for a long time, and in line with industry standards.
Phone activity logs are much lower then usual

It goes like this

1) I am here today to figure out ways to make sure we hit the department goals and get the claims out the door and paid in the timeframes in the policy manual. Are you hitting the individual claims goals now?

a) No

2) Why is that?

a) We're too busy

3) Doing what

a) Working claims

4) Which ones, and in which order

a) The ones that don't pay

5) Are you working the large dollar (good ones) or the small dollar (bad ones), tell me what is being done now.

a) We're working both of them, and it takes all day

6) Well my understanding is that you work the large dollar claims until you get to {dollar amount} then you work everything that hasn't been sent. Is that what you're doing now?

a) We don't have time to do that

7) OK, well I'm not sure that is the policy, so let me help. Work everything that requires follow up as long as its over {dollar amount}. Then work everything that hasn't been sent. So don't work any account under {dollar amount} until all claims have been sent. Does that make sense ?

a) Yes.

8) So do you think you can get all the claims out now?

a) Not sure, we'll have to see.

9) OK, then make sure you tell me and your supervisor on any day you cant get anything out, is that fair?

a) Sure, if we have the time.

10) Well you need to make the time if you cant get this done, its important that we get these things done in a certain order. If you cant get something done, this really needs to be forwarded to the supervisor.

11) So does anyone have any questions ?

a) No

12) Do you think you can get this done in the order its supposed to be done?

a) We'll try

• At this point I think I am beating the dead horse, so I attempt to move on.

13) OK, next question, {person} mentioned that you cant get to the claims for {government agency}, why is that?

a) They are never open

14) What, I don't understand, when you call them, they are closed.

a) No, their lines are always busy.

15) OK, well i'm not sure that means they aren't open, it means they are busy. So you need to call back probably, I suggest calling at other times, as in off peak hours. What times are you calling

a) When we are at work

16) I realize that, what times during the day are you calling them

a) The morning

17) When you first get in at 8:00 am ?

a) Sometimes, usually later in the morning.

18) OK, then if their lines are busy in the morning, then call back later in the afternoon.

a) They are closed when we call then.

19) When you say closed, do you mean their lines are busy or you get a recording that they're not open

a) It can be either one

20) OK, do you know what hours they are open

a) 9:00 am to 4:00 pm

21) What time zone are they in

a) What do you mean

22) Where is the office you call located

a) Los Angeles

23) OK, then that is the same time zone we are in. So if they're lines a busy a lot during the morning, and you know they are open until 4:00 pm, then call after the morning and before 4:00 pm when they're open. Can you do that?

a) Sure, if I have time.

24) OK, so I am guessing that there is some other reason you cant call them, can you tell me what it is?

a) We're really busy and don't have time. We have to work all the claims that didn't pay

25) We went over this already. I think I clarified it. So is there anything else

a) We'll try it this way and see if it works.

26) Well it is the policy, and it should be done this way unless a better way is determined. Since things aren't getting done the current way, and it isn't the way the policy is written, you need to do it the way the policy is written. Does that make sense

a) Kind of, but there are too many rules and it doesn't allow us to make decisions on the claims that we are working.

27) I appreciate that, but each person needs to prioritize their day to get the 200 claims out per month and to make sure they work the large dollar accounts in the order the policy says. If you have any questions on the priority, please ask your supervisor before you deviate from the policy. This is really important to the company that we get this done. Its how the company makes money and pays the bills.

All of a sudden I feel like one of the Bobs. I changed my mind, this part of the job sucks.

If "Work" logic was applied to my personal life

We have an 8:00 am staff meeting to go over the prior weeks house cleaning results. It looks like we fell behind in the clean dishes being put away and really missed the mark on the vacuuming. There was a slight increase in the 'cleaning up after yourself' but we had a large spike in the xbox hours that we havent been able to nail down the root cause.

I have a teleconference with my wife to go over the capital expenditures year to date to evaluate non allocated funds being spent without Finance approval. We received the invoice from Visa and noticed the discrepancies early but we will need to work on a plan to offset Q3 costs to make up some ground.

I would like to schedule some time to get a scope document for arrival time after social events for some of our staff. It appears we dont have clear policies on checking in and arrival after hours. I will contact HR on this to see if we need to document this as a corrective action or just give a verbal warning this time.

I would like to review the email from your mother about November travel plans. I had thought we had agreed to remain in state this year and invite the other divisions to our office. We have a month or two so this isnt urgent, but we need to make sure we are working with the other divisions to make sure we have continuity.

I received a request to use the company car to transport non company staff to the mall and wanted to make sure it was understood that there is a strict policy on usage of the vehicle and cell phones and returning before 10:00 pm. I dont want another incident like last week when the car wasnt returned until the next day

Finally, I checked with IT and it appears that we lost the data stored on the DVR for 'my shows' and somehow several staff members changed the program priority to save 'their shows' as a top priority. I have a meeting with jack daniels and dr. house tonight and dont want to miss this

Costco and racial profiling

Disclaimer - the usual, really long post, sarcastic, please try really hard to get offended

I had to go to Costco today.  Really I have many mixed feelings about this.  I used to go and was buying for three or four other people or I was not getting out of there for less than $500. Or in some cases $750.  Yea, some of that was alcohol, but it wasn't always.

My world is really different now.  I rarely go to Costco and if I do I have to be mindful of what I buy that doesn't expire.  And since I am buying only for me and my mom, the junk food fest of the past is gone.  Frozen burritos by the ton and gallons of sour cream are truly a thing of the past.

Much of my life was a series of screw ups intermixed between good things, but that is next weeks post.

Really the thing I noticed in the Costco in Boise as opposed to a few of them in the Seattle area and Southern California was the make-up (or demographic) of people shopping.

What is the same is how people are.  Stereotypes exist for a reason, the main reason is they have more than a shred of truth to them.

It is important to remember that your acceptance of a truth has no barring on it or not.  The fact is the truth is still the truth, and given sufficient anecdotal and empirical data, your opinion, eventually becomes like dust in the wind, or rain on a wedding day, I forget.

If you are easily offended, back out now.  If you don't grasp sarcasm, go look for Pokemon and you should probably delete me, as I live in the sarcasm world.

So now it's time to play the game of people profiling and stereotyping in such a way that if you agree, you will put up a feigned attempt at finding me wrong, but you know it isn't.  Also, we are playing this in such a way, that ideally you don't know who the hell I am talking about.  I probably don't either.

Mostly because the politically correct police in our new world are offended by everything.  Unless you are a North Korean, trans gender, Lutheran, hockey player your demographic is fair game.

I have found sexual preference and religion rarely play a part in this slice of stereotyping.  Which honestly, I wish they did, it would be more fun for me.  And of course I would be able to potentially offend a few more of you.

I digress...

The following are my scientifically proven facts that have no room for error or debate.  Or I am wrong, same thing.

1

Racial type or country of origin: A

Biological gender: A but sometimes A and B

Age bracket: 4

Are not only typically terrible drivers, they are in fact the worst people to be stuck shopping around.  Their sense of personal space is almost nill.  I attribute this more to their age than the gender bracket. Best part is usually their kids are well behaved. They tend to go shopping in numbers, no idea why.  This doesn't need to be a family event.

2

Racial type or country of origin: B

Biological gender: A or B

Age bracket: 3 or 4

Usually just a pain to be around because they have to talk through every purchase.  Seriously.  We don't care what you read or heard about the product, shut up, buy it or get moving.  You have TV to watch or something.  Their kids should be in kennels.  Also, get off your cell phone.  Wait until you are outside to talk about nothing of value to someone that is probably two aisles over.

3

Racial type or country of origin: B

Biological gender: A or B

Age bracket: 2

Other than typically being smug and self centered, they go in, they buy stuff, they get out.  They don't like people. Rarely do they have kids, it cuts into their time.  They also don't like to shop at Costco, it's too common for them.

4

Racial type or country of origin: C, D or E

Biological gender: A or B, but usually A

Age bracket: 2 or 3

Why do you people just stop in the middle of an aisle.  Like seriously. WTF.  Get off to the side, drive on the right, and for the love of god, get your kids out of my way.  No one cares what the ingredients of that product are and debating this with each other is insane. No Costco doesn't sell obscure stuff, it's a bulk store.

5

Racial type or country of origin: Any

Biological gender: Any

Age bracket: 1 or 5

You shouldn't be in Costco.  You don't understand it.

Racial type or country of origin: B

Biological gender: B

Age bracket: 2

Who are you kidding, you are there to buy beer, vodka and jack Daniels.  Maybe pizza.

6

Racial type or country of origin: A or B, sometimes C. But always A and D

Biological gender: A

Age bracket: 2 or 3

Summer, shorts, thin top, please go to the ice cream aisle or the cold produce section, please.

The Religion of Dessert

Alt title. How to craft a poor metaphor of religion using dessert.

It's unlikely you will like this, it's probably a waste of time, and most of my statistics are overly generalized.

It's also way to long and verbose.

If you know me, it's rare I have dessert, I have seen far too many bad examples of what it does to people and I know myself well enough that it is easier to avoid it and believe in the concept as opposed to the specific thing.

In all likelihood, 95% of the planet believes in dessert in some form or another.  Around 05% of the planet doesn't accept the concept of dessert, and that's ok.  The downside is there are people in the dessert believers and non believers that go out of their way to shove that dessert or lack thereof down your throat.

Don't be like those people.

It is probably healthy for what we are as a mostly modified monkey with a smart phone to accept that concept that dessert is valid and also just as healthy to work on that belief internally.  It's ok to find people with like or similar dessert proclivities and share in that revelry.  It brings us closer by doing so. I think that is a good thing.

Personally I find those that refute the acceptance of dessert as rather smug.  Same with vegans, they love to give you their opinion when you didn't ask for it.

Of the 95% of people that believe in dessert, probably 75% of them spend most of their time focusing on ice cream as their favored type of after dinner treat.  That really isn't to say that pie or cake are bad or wrong, but in the dessert spectrum, it's just less people.  Ice cream has many varieties and off shoots, but overall it is a road that goes east and west regardless of the flavor.

In the western world the prevalent belief is that vanilla ice cream is the only true dessert and all others are mistaken in their preference.  I tend to think this is rather limiting, but I also don't like to get involved in the discussion and lack of tangible facts to back up my belief over anyone else's.  Vanilla ice cream is kind of boring, but it's safe and easy to palette.

There is a very large segment of the planet that believes chocolate ice cream is the only true dessert and all others are wrong.  Within this sect there are some purists that believe that the only way to even accept chocolate ice cream as the only true dessert is if it is made by hand, outside, with only one process to make it, that is not subject to change or cannot be updated based on technology or the evolution of our species.  Many of these people are very militant about their chocolate ice cream and become very angry if their version of the receipt is questioned.

I think that is unhealthily on many levels.  Many of those same believers in chocolate ice creams are also really good people that get a bad name because of the more militant and less flexible of their group.  They also need to deal with this internally and rent really doing so. But that is a story for another day, or never.

Within the vanilla world, there is some chocolate chip, some French vanilla, some dairy free vanilla and even some things added to the vanilla to make it more interesting.  But ultimately, vanilla ice cream is still vanilla ice cream.  At one point a long time ago someone updated the recipe and that caused a split with the various vanilla factions.  Out of that came mint chip and it's still ultimately ok as a dessert.  For some reason a whole lot of the rest of the planet hates those that prefer mint chip.  I have never figured that out.  I actually really like mint chip.

A few people in the vanilla and mint chip groups are purists also and demand things like dairy free ice cream, all natural ingredients and some other things that complicate it as a way of life in a modern world.  There are even those that refuse to allow their ice cream to be made by machines as it dilutes the purity of the belief.  I think that is extreme, but no one listens to me.

Again, fine.  As long as you balance out your desserts with other parts of your life and diet, it's probably a good thing.  Moderation seems to be a prevalent theme.

In the last 50 or so years there have been some strange pie factions. A few fruit cup factions and some things that are hard to classify as dessert.  But I don't really get involved as long as there is balance and they cause no harm among consenting adults.

The problem being is when we get different people of different dessert preferences in the same place, they can't agree on the concept of dessert being valid, they have to fight, and in some cases to the death that their version is the only true dessert and to question that is asking to die.

I truly don't understand that at all.

Because of that level of inflexibility, we currently don't coexist well when mixing me matching our dessert talk.  It will eventually be our downfall.  I have a lot of thoughts on that.

The leaders, or self proclaimed leaders of the various ice cream movements are also not flexible at all.  They love to preach there is but one and only one true dessert and only They know what it is, hence you are wrong.  And for some reason, we sit back and let them hijack our after dinner sweet feast.

I don't think it's important to be so specific as to which dessert you believe it, be that ice cream or pie, I tend to think if you use it for positive thing, helping others and finding a way to better yourself and your world, then it is just overall a good thing.

You also can smile quietly with your belief and let the world turn as it does.  All the time knowing that what awaits you after dessert is a good thing and not a horrible thing.

Captain America - Civil War

When watching captain America civil war I noticed one important thing.

None of the bad guys can shoot a gun to save their life and Kung fu is a great technique to learn to dodge bullets. And of course, jumping from moving cars to other moving cars is quite easy.

Don't get me started on the dumbnosity of ant mans suit.  It breaks a few rules of mass and science and stuff.

Is Thor an actual god, or is he really more like superman and just derives his powers from a white sun or something?

Because if he is an actual god, I suspect he would win more fights.  And of course how can he be a god with our very restrictive Judaeo Christian mind set and lack of flexibility thereof.

And speaking of Natalie Portman... I'll be in my bunk.

Diversity on TV

If people actually cared about the statistical relevance of representing diversity on TV we would need to change out around 40% of all current people and add in someone from china or India.  We would also need to change out 90% of everyone else because they are at our below their body mass index, unlike 90% of the rest of us watching the show.

And everyone on TV has perfect skin and teeth.  Unlike reality.

TV and the movies are about entertainment, so I get it.It's just a bit of a lie and pandering and has nothing to do with actual statistical diversity. Like duh.

How the Electrical College works, kind of...

And sarcastic and way too long

And a really poorly framed explanation full of typos.

I want to spend a moment and try to explain why the popular vote and people that continue to say that the guy with the strange hair didn't win the election or because he didn't get more popular votes that makes him not the president, and why that is stupid.

First off, our system of how we elect the president has been around a long time.  That doesn't make it right.  What that makes it is real and if the people we elect haven't changed it, we are guilty vicariously by doing nothing about it for it being in existence.

Which means, stop electing people that don't represent your needs.  But that's another story altogether.  It's like saying "it hurts when I go like this", and you keep going like that.

The second piece is that to change how we elect the president it takes a constitutional convention and that means a lot of other crazy stuff that 94.2% of you have no idea how much crazy could really happen.  Again, but that's another story.  Look up prohibition and the repeal of prohibition. It's a fun read.

So for a moment, assume the electoral college process of how we elect a president has a bunch of rules, which it does.  So does football (go raiders).

When you play the game, you play based on these rules.  Some of the rules are simple.  The field is so many yards wide and so many yards long and there are goal posts on either end.

Ideally you all grasp this concept. And the rules functionally don't change in this regard and never have as far as any of us remember.

The teams strategy is based in part on the size of the playing field.  It doesn't matter who plays, or where they play, the field doesn't change dimensions.

When the teams play their strategy is based on getting the oblong leather thingy from one side of this field to the other with a set number of attempts and consequences for doing or not doing this.

If one team scores and the other doesn't, the number of fans in the stadium doesn't matter and the time of possession of the oblong leather thingy is irrelevant.

No matter how good your team is, or who cheers for you or has an opinion on your merits, the game is decided by rules and determined by the players strategy given those rules.

If one team makes lots of field goals and the other team makes touch downs, again, the number, or net of the points determines who gets to pour sugar based water with electrolytes onto their coaches head after the zebra looking man shoots the gun into the air ending the game.

Hence, the entire game is predicated on a series of strategies based on the rules and the strategy within those rules to make more numbers appear on the electronic thingy than the other team.

The electoral college is the same basic concept.  It has rules.  The candidates know these rules and they base their strategy around the rules and then they campaign to get more points than the other team based on these rules.

This is an important distinction to remember.  It isn't the type of points that it takes to win, it's the total number of points and these are based on how the team is able to get across the fake green grass quickly.

If the football people tomorrow said they didn't like the outcome of the game and randomly said tomorrow the field is 10 yards wide and 500 yards long and having more fans in the stadium than the other team was a factor in winning; guess what would happen?

You guessed it, the teams would change their strategy.  The game would change.  The entire perspective of the fans would change. In essence, the outcome may be the same, but the plays would be different.

The same goes with politicians.  If the election was based on the popular vote they would campaign differently.  Realistically this means they would spend 80% of their time campaigning on the west coast, the east coast and the southern coasts of the country.

Why you ask?

Well it's simple, that's where the majority of people are.  No one would care about Iowa or Kansas because there aren't enough people to make a difference in the popular vote. So they would be ignored.  Two cities on either coast would be worth more than five or six small states.

And herein lies the rub, then the candidates functionally ignore around 60% of the country because it's a waste of resources to campaign there.  This is also 60% of the country that is farm land.  And it turns out farmers make food and we eat food.  So we don't always want to ignore them, unless they are vegan organic kale farmers, we can ignore them.

For a moment, ask yourself what makes up the senate and what makes up the House of Representatives.

The senate is simple.  Two senators per state, regardless of the states population.  This way every state has an equal say in part of how laws are made or not made.

The house on the other hand has x number of representatives from each state based on population.  Which means it's a popularity based system that makes states with lots of people have more say than smaller states for the stuff the house does in regard to how laws are made.

And the really smart people that came up with this system decided that to get stuff passed you needed a certain type of agreement from the people in the senate and a certain type of agreement from the people in the house.  In this way laws would be based on part to what each state has an opinion on equally and what each state has an opinion on based on the number of people in the state.

I realize I lost almost everyone at this point.  But it's important to grasp this.

The campaign for president is won by a system that already exists as a model in congress to a certain extent.  It is intended to ensure that all states have a say and that places with lots of people don't dictate terms to everyone else.

In a place like California democrats control the electoral college.  It's mostly a waste of time for a republican to campaign there.  This is further proven that the few million popular votes cast for the old cranky white guy made no difference what so ever because all of the electoral college votes went to the angry old white woman. So when you complain about votes not counting, a few million people in California and even in New York voted we're completely ignored because of the system.  Yes, that means millions of people voted and had zero representation in our current and most recent election.

If you don't like the rules, you change them.  You also must grasp the concept of unintended consequences to what it means to open up a constitutional convention. Which no one really ever thinks about.  Some day I will go into that, because it would be fun, but no one would actually read it, just like no one is reading this now. I like kittens and boobs.

Then take a moment and ask yourself why you keep re-electing the same people into congress when they are never really held accountable to you or anyone else and they make the rules.

So you end up blaming the Russians, the media, a monkey and an organ grinder that sings fake news and you never look to yourself as to what you are doing to change it.

Hence, the president is the president, doesn't matter if you like it or not.

The campaign was won and lost based on existing strategies on how the game is played given rules that exist that we don't bother to change and the politicians don't change because it effects them also. 

And claiming that the president isn't the president because of the popular vote is kind of stupid because it assumes some really lame fallacies about how the election works and doesn't work within the given set of rules.

In in summary, micro robotics are the future.

Implementation Story: Reality vs. A Great Presentation

A long time ago when I got my first real promotion that allowed me to actually make decisions and influence projects and people I found out the hard way the difference between reality and a great presentation.

I worked for a large company that did healthcare stuff. My particular area was more non-clinical patient focused. This translates into billing, customer service, scheduling and other stuff that deals with the patient.

We used a few different computer systems. One for billing, one for scheduling, one for follow up, something to route inbound calls and something to make outbound calls. There was a lot of other stuff done and the detail should be included, but I don’t want this to get too technical or boring.

A computer system we had been using for a few years was going to be replaced. We had a few hundred people on the system and we had been doing this process for many years.

The CEO and IT director found a vendor that had a product that would solve all of our worldly problems for around $500k. Services were discussed, hardware defined, contracts sent, edited and sent back for a few months. I found out this was pretty typical for the time.

During those few months myself and around eight other people from various parts of the company were tasked to come up with how we actually implement this and integrate it with what we did. The end result was to be a colorful slide show, user documentation, policies, procedures, charts, graphs and generally speaking a lot of paperwork that would be handed out.

I was kind of excited about this at the time. It was my first chance to do something that would not only make a difference, but would be a thing, that if it worked, I would receive some form of acknowledgement for my contribution.

I went out of my way to learn as much as I could about the new product, how it worked, what it could do, what we did now and why we did it. I spent a lot of hours researching this.

Eventually we get down to the last week before our presentation was due. It would be for pretty much all executive management, senior management and for the most part all operational management for all of our offices nationwide.

The eight of us got into our conference room with stacks of paper surrounding us. We had the last nineteen versions of the documentation out with all the redlines and revisions. In our minds we had created a better mousetrap than had ever been seen before. We knew the CFO at the time demanded high quality color slides as handouts and didn’t care about the cost. They just had to be perfect. No typos, all the same color and printed on a specific bright type of paper. We spent hundreds of dollars printing and re-printing things.

On what we thought was our last final-final version of this we sent out for more stuff to be printed and brought back to us for review.

The clerical person at the time, Mayra came back into the conference room with our final batch of paper and put it on the table. A few of us in the brain trust were talking about how this new technology was going to enhance what we were doing and push us into the 21st century. We kept saying how this technology was going to change our results and improve everything. We were going to be heroes.

We had taken all of our existing processes and worked the new technology into them.

Mayra starts passing around the stacks of paper and colorful printouts and asked me one question “What are you doing different {with the new technology}?”

I sat there for a moment and wanted to tell her about all the new pretty lights the computer had. I wanted to tell her about the real-time monitoring of staff we could do. I wanted to tell her about the auto chart function that would print out really nice charts every morning to show what we did the prior day. I was really excited to tell her the screens were larger and you could move windows around because it wasn’t the old AS400 green screen. But I didn’t say anything. I just sat there looking at her and looking at the piles of paper we had lying about. We probably were responsible for the clear cutting of 42 acres of the rainforest with all the paper we printed and were going to throw away.

Mayra gave me this strange look and said one thing that I will never forget “If that’s the way you have always done it, then it is probably wrong.” And she walked out of the door.

The lightning bolt from mount Olympus struck me. It hit one or two other people that heard her also.

We sat there dumbfounded with the simplicity of what she said and how utterly completely off the mark we had been.

Time stopped for me. I didn’t hear anything but the echoes in my head of Mayra saying “If that is the way you have always done it, then it is probably wrong.”

We had taken a $500k investment, the time, energy and collective brain power of eight different people and had managed to replicate what we were already doing for years past just with a new machine.

Nothing was going to change other than our charts, graphs and big monitors on our desk. Nothing at all.

Our entire presentation was based on the concept that we were going to do the same thing we did yesterday and expect a different result. A definition of insanity comes to mind as I recall that moment.

I didn’t really say anything that day and the people that had the same feeling as I did also remained quiet. We went home and just wondered what happened and how we missed this. How did one random clerical person have the forethought to ask this and none of us did.

The next meeting a few of us decided to broach this subject with the rest of the group. As expected there was a lot of resistance from a few people because so much work had gone into this. I pulled out our old processes and paper work and taped them to the wall. I put up our new colorful processes and paperwork on the wall and in the middle I wrote on a piece of paper “What Changed?”

After a short amount of debate on our various states of denial we all agreed, nothing changed. We didn’t re-create the wheel, we just shined up the old one and called it new at the cost of $500k.

In essence what we did was take new technology and we made a really great presentation that had nothing to do with reality. We made no improvements in our processes, we didn’t change any staffing expectations. Our work flow was almost exactly the same. Other than shiny pieces of paper and new computer monitors we were going to do the exact same thing. There is more detail behind this, but you probably get the idea.

Ever since that time I have made it a point to start out any meeting that I was part of with the quote from Mayra. If you don’t start the implementation conversation with the basic question of “What changes?” then you may end up doing the exact same thing you did yesterday.

“If that’s the way you have always done it, then it is probably wrong.”

Some take away points

• Ask what is changing. If the answer is nothing, then why are you doing this?
• Start with the end in mind. How does this look when it is done?
• What are the current benchmarks and what are they going to be six months after implementation?
• Accept that you will make mistakes and bad assumptions along the way, but learn from them.
• Listen to everyone about the process. It might be the one clerical person that shows you the light.

When did we lose track of how to hire qualified and available people?

Alt Title: Your applicant screening process is probably causing you pain, and you don't know it.

Long ago in the dark ages when people applied for a job they filled out an application or sent in a résumé’. It was a simple process that involved paperwork and time. It wasn’t efficient for the most part; but it involved human interaction. 

Someone applied. Someone looked at that application and someone made a decision and ideally we communicated that to the person that actually took the effort to apply with us. We interacted.

At some point computers came into the world and we collectively found that efficiency was a good thing and we embraced the concept of it. It was a means to an end. After that we created systems and programs to accept electronic applications and we built data bases to store people in an electronic format.

We reduced staff from the overhead needed to hire people and in some cases we retained new vendors to outsource this exciting function to.

We celebrated our successes and didn’t notice that our interaction with applicants dropped substantially and all of a sudden we no longer had our finger on the pulse of the labor pool of qualified candidates. Whoops!

Overall it was a good move; it just got out of control and no one knows how to stop it now.

What grew from our good intentions were layers and layers of application processes, knock-out questions, screening questions, data gathering items and a plethora of other things that we thought made it better for us. Or did it?

What we forgot was how difficult we made it for a person to apply for a job. We made it difficult to fill our own positions.

We love to tout our Human Capital, our Employee Appreciation Programs, our Living Assets, or Most Prized Gifts, our Staff. What we don’t do is make it easy to get new and energetic applicants because our screening process has ruled out qualified people if they click the wrong button, if one of their answers doesn’t fall into our black and white database of acceptable responses. We closed the door before they could knock.

We tend to forget that the average applicant has to complete one of these arduous online applications for each company they are interested in. They have to create a new account, new user names, new passwords, fill out the same information and usually complete another application, again and again. We force them to spend time and they know that it is unlikely anyone will ever tell them what is actually going on outside of an emotionless and canned email the system sends them.

Yes, I am aware, some companies use the same vendor so the repetitive nature of this does not apply in all cases. But, go ahead and test this theory and ask someone in your next interview how much time they spent just filling out applications online to never actually hear from a real human. You probably will be more surprised than you think.

There is some analogy about the forest and the trees that may apply. Who knows…

I know this wave is the moment and of the future. It can also be fixed if we take action.

But we control how we use the tool. We control how we accept or reject online applications, and if you don’t know how it is done now, you simply aren’t seeing all of the qualified people applying for your positions. This is a problem waiting to rear its head.

Take a risk, contact people. Network through human interaction to locate qualified staff. By-pass some of the technology you have embraced. The upside is simple, your success can only improve.

If nothing else, the above rambling should be some snack for thought.