How the world works - hypothetically of course

I want to create a hypothetical example of how the world works today so I can better explain cause and effect logically and without sarcasm, humor or bias of any kind, using a completely fictitious person, we shall name Scott.

If something bad happens to Scott, its not his fault. It is some form of conspiracy to hold him down. Usually because of some demographic of his. This is really important and its how we learn personal responsibility.

If something good happens to him, its karma. And, he deserved it and probably more. The more #Hashtags he uses to talk about this, the more good is bestowed on the world. Hence, he should get something as a reward, like a pony or a chicken with super powers. Because he is a vegan.

If something bad happens to someone that doesn't like Scott. Its because of cosmic justice or social justice or the justice league. They deserved it and ideally should be attacked by a rapid beaver and have to show their taxes. #Hashtags work here also, just completely different.

If something good happens to someone that doesn't like Scott. Well, that's wrong, just R.O.N.G!. It should be taken away, there should be a recount, or something really bad should happen to that person because it isn't fair, and if there is one thing we know in this life, its that everything should be fair, as long as Scott wins all the time. Because Fair!

If someone doesn't like him, they likely should be labeled with something that ends in "...ism" or "...-Phobia", because that is the only logical answer. It can never be caused by his actions, words or things he set in motion of his own accord. I learned this in Cosmetology school, always be closing, or you're the center of the universe, same thing.

If he does something stupid it is likely because he was bullied or forced into doing it in the name of some higher power or cause. Probably related to beer and monkeys in my completely hypothetical example. His excuses for his actions should be taken as complete and final forgiveness for everything, past, present and future.

If he makes a minor spelling mistake, it should be touted as a sign of his inferior intellect and likely a direct product of his high school education. This should also be blasted out on every possible social media forum out there. Because it is tangible and important and as we know, spelling and grammar mistakes have real world consequences.

Also, whatever the media says that agrees with Scott is true and they sing the gospel of the gods. And doves fly and the pitter patter of kittens can be heard echoing through the halls of Valhalla.

If the media or anyone ever says anything that does not agree with Scott. They are evil, controlled by the Illuminati, the Russians, the cardashians or something far worse. They sit on a throne of lies and steal food from starving urchin children in Elsinore. All dissenters must die is the only possible solution.

Finally, if anyone expects Scott in this hypothetical example to do a good job at work its harassment and he should sue the government because they didn't stop the thing that isn't happening and they owe him.