Things to say your first day at the job

---(from 2007)

So I work for this company. There are people in the company. Some I like, some I don't. I come from the School of How to Loathe people and avoid them as necessary.

So they hire this new guy named Ed, Older, balding white guy with lots of freckels and wears glasses. You know a chick magnet. Well he is hired into my old job. Which i'm sure they paid him more than me. So you know, I already dont like him.

We're in a meeting yesterday about this convention thing we have to attend. After the meeting his boss introduces him and puts him on the spot to say a few words about himself. He squirms a little and tries of to think of the right thing to say. No pressure Ed, its only the entire executive mananagement team and all their direct reports in one room.

So he was about to make or break his initial opinion with the company.

He says

"Hi, i'm Ed. I'm glad to be here, I want to thank the team for hiring me and really want to help the team out in any way I can. Because you know, there is no "I" in team, so im glad to be here, as part of this new team. I really look forward to meeting all the members of the team and the support staff that make the team a success."

I think, sweet mother of gawd, could you say the word team any more in one breath.

So I was thinking, what are you supposed to say your first day at work. Because I enjoy the dark side of life, I have a few suggesstions.

1) Hey nice to meet all of you, this is probably the last time you will see me sober.

2) Damn, they werent kidding when they said there are no hot chicks working here.

3) Wow, the combined ages of all of you in this room is probably double the combined IQ. I'll fit in well.

4) Who do I talk to about vacation days, im burnt out from all this meeting and talking and stuff

5) Be right back, i got 110cc's of Columbia's finest waiting for me in the car.

6) f*ckin' A im tired, staying out all night in Tijuana with those hookers can really take its toll

7) Anyone mind if I take off early, most of my porn should be downloaded at home by now

8) What are the graphic specs on our desktop computers, I want to know what settings WOW will play at.

9) Are you people going to get all into "The Rules" and tell me I cant use the womans bathroom like my last company

10) Which one of the IT people runs the MP3 server, I have some stuff I would like to upload.

11) I need to call my parole officer twice per day and verify my GPS coordinates to calibrate my ankle monitor for those alledged convictions that got me for, which phone should I use