All caught up

I am pretty sure all of the necro posts from the past are done and everything going forward is new. 

i worked for a few strange places and some unusual people. 

And that is an understatement.  

I enjoyed the travel at times and it lent itself to some great stories. 

Party on Wayne. 

Dave's Last Day At Work

---(From 2008)

Some of you might remember that I have had some oddness with my job for a while. I am still employed, but it could be any day I am gone or made permanent. However, that decision will be a maximum of 30 days from now and it isn't looking like I will be made permanent. I have been job hunting on the side, but nothing tangible has manifested itself as of yet.

See this thread for the details.

So Friday was Dave's last day at work. Dave was our director or network {stuff}. When the new company came in, and directly related to the bankruptcy of the old company, our network was scheduled to be shut down for the bankruptcy trustee to pull out and sell.

Hence, Dave had a limited amount of time left, and he knew it. Personally I think this is a raw deal, but I too am somewhat fighting to maintain continual employment. So I have to choose my battles wisely at this point.

Dave is a really cool guy, even by IT guy standards. Smart, sarcastic and knows his stuff. Also a straight shooter and wont play games with network security or people loading their own software on their desktops. In other words a loyal employee.

So we decided to go to lunch as the last two remaining semi-temporary employees on Friday. Everyone else was either fired, laid off or made a permanent employee, just not us two.

So we drive over to this Mexican restaurant that serves really good food and has the best albondigas soup around. On the way over we see this homeless guy walking backward on the side of the road with a sign "will work for food – homeless".

He wasn't in the worst shape I have seen for homeless people, but he wasn't clean either. So not the guy that is hauling three shopping carts around, but probably also not the same guy sleeping under a freeway either.

It shouldn't matter, but it becomes relevant later. He was black, African - American if you must.

Well typical to 99% of the rest of the population we drive by and head to lunch.

The restaurant has an outdoor seating area next to the road. Not much of a view, but it was a nice enough day that sitting outside was just a better decision.

Food is ordered, we sit around swapping stories of stupid end users and all the really stupid things they ask for and do. You know the ones, some manager / director says her computer is broken when it isn't plugged in to the wall socket or he spilled coffee on the keyboard and tries to deny it was him. Usually my favorite are people that have an older machine and they download some virus disguised as super kewl emoticons that can be added to email and their computer just gets eaten alive by viruses and trojans.

A little time passes and our food arrives. We begin to eat continuing with the same line of stories. Both of us avoiding that this is really his last day working and it's kind of jacked up what the company did.

About ten minutes into this, that same homeless guy walks by us. Now keep in mind, I don't empirically know that he is homeless, it's just a general term I use for people that have a sign that says "will work for food – homeless".

Nether one of us likely would have known he walked by had he not stopped and stared at us while we were eating.

A minute of two later the homeless guy walks over and says (from the other side of a small stucco wall) "Hey I need money for food"

Dave, in a Not Being A Smart Ass way says, "I have two extra tacos I'm not going to eat you can have them". The homeless guy replies, "I don't like no Mexican food".

Dave laughs a little and says, "Then I guess you won't be eating lunch here today"

Homeless guy doesn't find this funny at all and says to Dave in this condescending voice "You think just because you're white you should get everything you want?"

That got Dave into the wrong mode. Mind you, Dave is white, whatever that means. He replies in a very sarcastic manner "Yes, now that you say it like that, yes, evidently I do, thank you for pointing this out to me. My life was a hollow shell prior to that ephiany, now I am complete, you complete me..."

Homeless guy says "Why don't you give me five bucks so I can get some food, I don't have a job."

Dave says in this self reflecting kind of way ""…yea, I guess I don't either"…" and the realization that he too is now unemployed appears to hit him.

Homeless guys says "Yea, but you're white you can get a job anywhere"

Now Dave is pissed. He is clearly not wanting to engage in this conversation and not on this day and really, not at lunch. But it's too late. He says to homeless guy "OK, your sign says will work for food, what kind of work do you actually intend to do, are you going to wash cars, install cat5, reconfigure cisco routers, bag groceries, plant trees, what kind of work are you looking for, and are you actually looking for work, or do you just want handouts and you really dont want to work at all ?"

Homeless guy stands there a few moments and appears not to grasp the question. He eventually chokes out a reply something along the lines of ""…just because I'm not white don't mean I can't do things."

Dave says "this isn't about your ethnic background, this is a question of what work can you do, since you say you will work for food, and I have offered you food and you don't want it, hence, you appear to need to find work to find food you want to eat, so again, what work do you intend to do?"

Homeless guy really didn't like that answer and said to me and Dave, because now all of a sudden I'm involved "You're a racist"

For a moment I thought homeless guy was going to dive over the stucco wall and attack Dave, glad he didn't actually.

Dave stands up, and says "yea, I'm sure you think that, why do I believe that, well because you appear to have no other options but to call me a racist because I wont give you what you want. I offered you some of my lunch, on my last day at work, but it wasn't good enough. I asked what kind of work do you intend to do since you are claiming you will work for food and you don't have an answer. You know, my friend, think what you want, convince yourself that the world is a horrible place full of racists and those that look down on you. But if you want to get out of your situation you will need to make some personal changes, sorry, I'm not handing you five dollars just because you claim you will work for food. So, have a great day, best of luck to you, but leave me to my last lunch in peace"

Dave sat down and finished those last two tacos.

Homeless guy looked at me, looked at Dave made is parting comment as he began walking down the street ""…f*cking racists"…"

We finished or lunch and went back to our predictable end users stories. Another day in paradise.

Its Monday, I caught a cold and wont be going into work. Dave is probably home now looking at dice.com.

Some Observations about applying for a job

---(from 2006)

So one of the things I do at work is to review résumé's and make an initial determination if you get to the hiring manager / director. I have 15 years experience in the specific field we are hiring, so I tend to know enough about the position to make this decision.

Usually I am reviewing for several positions from entry level to management. It would be nice to have these separated when they arrive, but that isn't always the case. Some web job boards just spit them out to you as they show up.

The following are some of the things to consider when applying for a job.

Disclaimer: Use at your own risk

1) For the love of gawd, don't use some bizarre font that is either unreadable or you think looks kewl on your myspace page. There is a reason times new roman and arial exist. They are easy to read.

2) Get to the point, what are you applying for. Don't make me guess. Put the name of the position or title in the subject of your email.

3) If you can't spell well, use spell check. No, really, please ! It is spelled Human Resources, not Human Ressources.

4) If you are applying for a Help Desk Technician, don't tell me you don't like working on the phone. Because for some reason I am guessing that could be a showstopper.

5) If you are going to use an email address, please take a second look at the actual email address used. Things like party_gurl69@yahoo.com , or Bongs_not_busts@gmail.com are not going to be a good sign of responsibility. While I may want to see the pictures for party_gurl69, I think you are better off with a less problematic name.

6) If you have worked at six different places in the past two years, you might want to provide some explanation as to why. Because you look like a job jumper, which is not a good thing.

7) If you have to list a reason for leaving your last job, and you write down something like ""…I left because I failed a drug test"…" you might not get called for an interview. Same applies to ""…I got fired for stealing"…". Don't wait by the phone for my call.

8) Grammar is more then just a trend. If you apply for a Customer Service Job and put down as your key asset ""…I solve problem for customer when on phone so there is no more problem"…". Again, not sure if you will get the call for an interview.

9) If you list your salary requirement as $15.00 per hour with a minimum of $60,000 per year. Are you assuming you get a large bonus to make up the difference or am I missing something here.

10) Try to keep your résumé' to one page. With a cover letter, you can make it two. But any more then that is pushing it. If you send me seven pages, sorry, I might not get to reading all of it.

11) No Colored Paper ! I don't care that you think (Cal Trans) Orange is Eye Catching. Its ugly, bright and annoying. Same goes with lime green and florescent yellow.

12) If you have been out of high school for more then five years, don't bother with telling me you were the head of the 4H club. That probably isn't relevant anymore to anyone. This only matters if it was the dungeons and dragons club.

13) If your last date of employment was in 2002, you may want to give me some idea why you haven't worked in five years. Its not a showstopper, but it does require some explanation.

14) Writing down ""…Extensive experience with the internet"…" tells me you that you post on forums when you should be working during the day too often. (Note: not that I have ever done this"…).

15) If there is a section that says Do you have reliable transportation, responding with ""…I recently wrecked my car"…" Isn't really in your best interest.

16) If there is a section that asks ""…Are you willing to relocate"…" and you live more then 100 miles away and you answer that question with a No, isn't so smart either.

17) DON'T USE ALL CAPS CHARACTERS.

18) Don't make everything bold.

19) Don't make everything italics.

20) Send attachments in Microsoft Word. Sorry if you hate Bill Gates, but I don't happen to have the latest version of Wordstar, Word Perfect or Lotus Notes on my computer. Love it or hate it, the majority of the business world runs on Microsoft Office.

Perpetually Valid Excuses

---(from 2007)

I stumbled into this one today. I usually am an active participant in the stories I post. This time is was just dumb luck.

I have a meeting scheduled with the local HR manager. The actual HR director works in our northern office, so when I have questions I need information on, I see the person in my office. If it's urgent, I travel.

The basic deal was I needed some information on {compliance to a state regulation}. The entire meeting would take five minutes and I figured I had most of what I needed already; I just wanted to verify it with the source.

I walk over to the HR manager's office a little early. She is speaking with one of the supervisors with the door mostly closed, I figure I can wait. Their conversation lasts a little longer than they probably expected and they noticed I was outside. I was about to say I can come back later, what I needed wasn't urgent.

When I was just about ready to say that, the HR manager opens the door and asks if I can come in and help them with something.

Honestly, I didn't want to. It's not that it isn't my job; it's just that nothing good comes from commenting on HR issues as they relate to managing people and usually interpreting policy. As a general rule, I avoid these like the plague.

I say, sure, if I can provide some perspective, I will, but that my input is opinion only and that if they have HR questions they really need to speak with the HR director and review relevant policies on the subject. They of course say, they will do that.

I walk in and they close the door behind me. Not a good sign. Into the lion's den wearing a a suit lined with hamburger.

The HR manager's office is larger than others and has three chairs on one side of the desk. For the most part, the only reason anyone is in this office is to talk about someone else's problem or be told about "Your" problem. Both are usually painful. Luckily, I fall into the first category.

The supervisor starts out and says there is an employee that works in their department that is having some issues.

I ask what the issues are.

The supervisor says the employee has missed eleven days in the past two months (that's 11 out of 38 working days or 28%) and that their performance is really behind everyone else. I want to say, well Duh, they have missed over a quarter of their work days possible what did you expect. I pull a Silent Bob and say nothing.

The supervisor continues: The employee is just over their 90 day mark and is no longer into their probationary period.

I think they should have probably extended the probationary period if they had tangible signs this was going to happen, buts that's just me.

I learned something long ago from an old HR manager; there are Problem Employees and Employees with Problems. So I asked the question, which one was this person.

The supervisors says the employee is nice and easy to get along with but they aren't here enough to get their job done and they don't have any time off to use.

I don't think the supervisor answered my question. I didn't ask if the person was nice, or easy to get along with. I asked if they were a problem or if they had a problem. Since it's pretty much an interpretation issue, I don't say anything. That and I don't really want to be here to begin with.

I guess that the employee has problems and isn't the corporate version of a trouble maker. So I ask the supervisor to explain what the situation has been with this person.

The supervisor says the employee misses work mostly on Monday's and Fridays and every other week or so, some other day in the middle of the week.

Well from my experience, people that miss a lot of Monday's have "lifestyle" issues. Usually means, they party too much on the weekend and can't make it to work. Not always, but more often than you would think.

I ask what the excuse is for this behavior from the employee.

This is where my trademarked theory of Perpetually Valid Excuses® comes in.

I ask the Supervisor to get their notes and tell me the reasons for the prior ten or so absences.

Going back from the oldest to the newest:

1) Employee called in and said their car broke down and they would be late, if in at all.
a. Employee never showed up and later said they had to get their car towed.
b. Employee came in the next day with a receipt for a tow truck
c. Excuse seems valid
2) Employee called in said they would not be in because their child was ill and daycare said they had to come get their child.
a. Employee came in the next day with a note from daycare
b. Excuse seems valid
3) Employee didn't call in the morning, called in later in the day saying their spouse was sick and they had to stay home to take their spouse to the doctor. There is some reference to the child's illness being a cause of the parents illness
a. Employee comes in the next day with a copy of a prescription for {anti biotic} for their spouse from the prior day
b. Excuse seems valid
4) Employee had a scheduled day off because family was in town. Employee was advised that due to unscheduled absences, employee needed to come in to make up work.
a. Employee came in half day and left saying they weren't feeling good
b. No notes from doctor or anything else.
c. Excuse seems contrived given circumstances.
5) Employee calls in sick saying that they have a re-occurring medical condition and that they need to see the doctor because their medication ran out.
a. Employee comes in the next day with a receipt from the doctor's office visit
b. Excuse seems valid.

I interrupt the supervisor and ask if the remainder of their absences can be explained with the same type of excuses. The supervisor says yes.

I give my disclaimer again about my input is an opinion and that they need to contact the HR director. In other words, grant me Amnesty and don't later throw me under the bus for giving an opinion.

I say that the employee has what is considered Perpetually Valid Excuses®. While each one can be traced back to a valid reason for missing work (all but the family in town that is), after a while it simply doesn't matter what their rationale is. The employee is expected to be at work, at their desk, during defined work hours doing the job they were hired to do. It is not the responsibility of the company to manage the employee's personal affairs. Employees are responsible to manage their own medical conditions; the company cannot do that for them.

The HR manager understands what I am saying but doesn't really say a thing. The supervisor has this shocked look on their face and stares at me like I just yelled "F*CK" in church.

I sit there for a moment and wait for a response. The supervisor says they don't believe I am being fair to the employee. My response is that the company hires people with an expectation that they will be here to do their job. After 90 days they begin to accrue time off. Until that point that don't have any. The company knows that emergencies will occur; it is likely far less than 28% of the available work days in a two month period I comment. That amount of time is simply excessive. It's nothing personal against the employee and it's not something that the company did to cause the problem.

I follow this up with the statement that the supervisor initially said the employee was not getting their job done. The supervisor reaffirms this is the case.

So I rhetorically inquire, then what are you asking me?

Are you asking me if I think it's acceptable for an employee to not meet the basic standards of their job, as they were hired? To that I say, no.

Are you asking me if I think it's acceptable for an employee to take unscheduled time off, and that unscheduled time off causes other people to have to work harder to keep up with performance goals for the department they work. To that I say, no.

Are you asking me if I think the company should have a responsibility to monitor and assist employees manage their personal affairs outside of work, and to help manage their personal medical conditions? To that I say, no.

I indicate that I think if the person, regardless of their Perpetually Valid Excuses® isn't doing their job, and it's primarily because they have absences, why should they be treated different than the people that are here, that don't meet their performance standards. This means they will receive some form of performance counseling. And, if their performance doesn't improve, they may end up being let go. If they had scheduled and approved time off, well then it's a management issue, but this isn't the case.

I feel bad for people when bad things happen to them, but they need to be at work doing their job if they want to keep a job. Or wait until they get their life in order before making a commitment to an employer to do a job they agreed to do.

So I ask, what is it you want me to say?

The supervisor says they will call the HR director and leaves the office.

I ask the HR manager if they have time for our meeting.

Life goes on

Another of those old and lengthy work stories from 2007

Another in the line of long work stories.

I changed jobs January of this year. Unlikely you remember, but should you do, I wrote a thread about that transition and the initial work Trip. Well nine months later I have another.

My company merged with another company a month ago. I am sure it's been going on longer than that, but for the sake of the story, it's a month ago. My boss is the general counsel for the company and for the new company also. I work in the compliance department and get to check on how the various departments play nice with the laws and regulations in our industry. At times this is not entirely exciting, but at times it's actually kind of fun.

The combined companies now have offices in Dallas, Atlanta and our old offices in San Diego and Los Angeles. I work in the San Diego office and on occasion go to the LA office. Last Thursday I get the official notice I needed to go to the new offices to see what they do in relation to what we do.

Originally I thought it was going to be Dallas, but at the last minute it turned out to be Atlanta. I have been to Atlanta a few times before with a different company, so I know the basic area and how to get around. I wanted to go to Dallas because I actually know a few people there and might be able to fit in some social time. I don't know anyone in Atlanta.

So Friday was a mostly panic because I had to arrange airfare, rental car, hotel and ten different people to be available for me to meet with them. I also have to make sure I book cheap flights, use appropriate corporate discounts and get there in time to meet with all the players involved.

Oddly, it worked out well. Or so I thought.

I have a flight leaving Orange County Airport at 11:45am. I live 20 minutes from the airport so I decide to leave at 9:30 so it leaves me a solid 1.5 hours of buffer.

I get to the airport a little late. It's Monday, so the parking lot is usually very busy. I didn't plan ahead very well, I should have known this.

I pull into the A lot even though it says full. Ten minutes later I have spun through four levels of parking and guess what, it's full. This sucks. I hit the B lot, it doesn't say full, but looks the same. Ten minutes later and but the luck of the gods someone is pulling out and I have the best shot to pull around and get that spot. I get it just as some Camry tries to dart in front of me and ninja my spot. Turns out this was probably the last spot left. I burned 20 minutes of my buffer and it's a mile walk to the check in area.

I make the walk to check in. Luck has it there is almost no line. The reason being is the line for security wraps around the airport at least once. I have an hour twenty left before departure. I get my ticket and make the dash towards security. Funny thing, due to weather the flights to Dallas were being cancelled. Had I been going to Dallas instead, I would be waiting at the airport for hours.

Security line takes an hour and just sucks. I have been waiting behind this woman and her semi-screaming infant. Mental note, don't get behind them at the actual screening area. Strollers and kids equal delays.

I finally get to the actual security area and have to remove my shoes, take out my one quart bag of liquids, take out my computer, find anything with metal in it and put them in the correct bins.

Based on the amount of time I have to get to the gate, I throw things together and make the fast walk to gate 12. Knowing I won't be given real food on the plane I stop at McBulk and get a McNumberOne for McCalories and McArteryHardening with a Sprite to "Wash Down That Tasty Burger".

While absorbing the McFood I notice that there is the one hot chick waiting for the same flight as I am waiting. Taller Asian woman, lots of legs, tight jeans, black hair tied up behind her head, smiling and talking with people in line. Not a lot of rackage, but overall good looking. Wearing one of those "Let us Be Free" tops that screams of "Please drop your keys and bend over to pick them up so I can see the rack". No such luck on the keys being dropped.

I am in group four on the plane. Turns out that doesn't mean anything because once they get past the first class people the masses rush the gate and the airline staff step aside and let it occur.

I am in 43f, around four rows from the back of the plane. I didn't see the one hot chick get on yet so there is still hope she will be sitting with me. Time passes and mob slowly takes their seats. The hot Asian chick is walking towards the back of the plane; I have two seats empty next to me. There is hope. Granted not much, but it's there.

The hot Asian chick puts her bag in the bin opposite of mine and her "Free Range Top" allows some slight bouncing as she does it. Still hope, it's possible, wait"… wait"… wait"…

Checked at the blue line, the hot chick sits down across from me and one row back. Oh well, my record for the one hot chick sitting next to me remains consistent, zero for like 300. Instead I get the mother and the chubby 11 year old. Just not the same thing.

Due to weather delays and gate problems, it takes a little longer to get to Atlanta. Five hours later, I arrive in the south. Its hot here and its 8:00 pm at night.

Off to the rental car place. I rent my car at Alamo and attempt to get to the hotel. Even though I haven't done anything but stand in line or sit down, I'm tired. I decided to pay for the full tank of gas early so I didn't have to deal with it later. The gamble here is you pay for the tank even if you don't use the gas. But I figured I would use it, or at a minimum I would be close enough to not care. Keep in mind the assumption is you get a full tank of gas when you pick up the car. All this does is save you the time and cash from filling up your rental car in a strange town.

I get my car and attempt to drive out of the Alamo lot. I hit the gate and the woman is having a conversation on her cell phone. She looks at me and snaps her fingers and points to the rental agreement on my dash. I assume she didn't want to break up her important conversation about Judge Judy to actually ask me for the agreement.

I wait...

A minute later I guess her conversation ended and she says ""…Drivers license and order tag"…" I hand her my driver's license and ask what an "Order Tag" is. She says "It's the black key tag". I look around and don't see anything. I explain such. She says again, like the second time will create some new form of knowledge with me""… I need the Black Order tag that is attached to your key"…" I explain I don't have one and I don't see anything like that. As the third time must be the charm, she says ""…I need the black tag that came with the car"…" I explain again, I don't know what she is talking about. As she has advanced knowledge she tells me to look under the passenger seat as they sometimes fall under there.

I look under the passenger seat and see a piece of paper with a black highlighted section. I think I saw Jimmy Hoffa and the Holy Grail, but I was pressed for time and only grabbed the Order Tag. I hand her the tag and she opens the gate and lets me leave. Not without a long sigh and not so friendly look, but I probably deserved that for not knowing what a Black Order Tag is.

As I pull out I notice I have 75% of a tank of gas. Oh, how I love the little things in life. I don't feel like going back and pointing this out and drive off.

So it's the last and ideally the least complicated part of my trip is all that is left. I have my trusty google map and a basic idea how to get to the freeway.

I hit the 85 north with the intent to hit the 75 north in 16 miles and eventually some exit off Delk and some Air force base. I am pretty good with maps and directions, but this one description for the exit I need doesn't make sense.

There are two exits off the freeway. One turns left and goes back up and over the freeway, the other turns right and goes on the road I may want. The trouble being the directions confuse me the way they are written.

It is more confusing when you see the signs, but it reads like this

7. Take exit 261 for E Delk Rd toward GA-280/Lockheed/Dobbins AFB
8. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for E Delk Rd and merge onto Delk Rd SE

Well I turned the wrong way. I went Left Right, not Right Right.

The neighborhood goes from bad to worse. I run into an area with very few lights and a few people on the street corner that appear to be self employed in either the entertainment industry or self employed pharmaceutical distribution.

To make matters worse I can't see the road signs. I am slowing down before every street attempting to read the signs. If you were driving behind me, you might think I was looking to complete a business transaction with a local inhabitant of the aforementioned professions.

I drive for a few miles still lost. I finally decided I went the wrong way and make a U turn. It was a legal U turn, but it must have been at the end of Local Dealers Row. From a side road out pulls a police car right behind me.

Mind you I have done nothing wrong, but let's paint some color into the scenario. A rental car being driven slowly with the driver looking left and right at every street corner that is not of the same basic demographic as the individuals living and working on these street corners makes a U turn and goes for a second pass. I am sure this type of thing has been seen on Cops a few times in the past and usually involving someone denying their intent was to secure a date or some crack.

The cop follows me for a few miles closely. I can see him working his dash computer at stop lights.

Is he going to pull me over or not is the question

I am still a little lost. I think I know where my hotel is but I am in the right lane and need to make a turn at the next left stop sign on a busy road. The cop is still behind me and I don't feel like doing a Crazy Ivan in front of the police. I make the nearest right hand turn into a gas station. Well you guessed it; the police car follows me in.

I'm doomed I think.

I make a U turn out of the gas station and see my Sanctuary, the Marriott Courtyard directly across the street. The light takes what appears to be days to go from red to green. I proceed with caution across the intersection to the Hotel. The police car is still behind me. I pull into the space marked Check In and get out of my car. The police officer pulls behind me. He doesn't turn any lights on and doesn't get out of the car. He is however blocking me if I try to make a run for it by backing up my Chevy G6 (POS) rental car.

Since I haven't done anything wrong I get out of the car and get my stuff. I am dressed in casual traveling attire (read: jeans and a world of warcraft shirt). The police officer shines his light on the license plate of my car and shines it in my basic direction. Not wanting to tempt fate I don't say anything. He looks at me, writes something else down on his notebook and drives off.

I guess if I go out later looking for a $20 date or some crack I might be spotted early. I decide not to go trolling for a date or drugs just to be safe. That and the whole illegal thing keeps me safe another day.

I notice it's still hot outside. Its somewhere after 9:00 pm local time. I went from being tired to a little wound up. Not sure, it might have been the slow speed police thing. I pretend I'm OJ for a moment, and then I decide I don't want to pretend to be a guy who killed his ex wife and her boyfriend. Forget it, time to check in.

I get to the check in counter and say who I am, and give the appropriate ID. I get a deluxe garden room overlooking the courtyard. Odd, no garden, but I have a garden room.

The first thing I notice about the room is the smell. It's a non smoking hotel, which means that when people smoke they have use all sorts of strange chemicals to try to mask and remove the smell of people smoking. Well that smell is strong in this particular room. Think paint thinner meets perfume. And when you think of perfume, think of the kind sold in gallon jugs, at brothels, in Jakarta, during the summer months. From there add some moldy cigarette smell and you really have the aroma that I get to live with for a week.

I think of attempting to bottle this fragrance for resale, but figure it would be considered a weapon of mass destruction with the wrong administration.

Well I am settled in and am wide awake. I make the obligatory surf through the TV channels. Same old network TV I have. I don't want to tempt fate and pay the $14.99 and rent a movie for concern that I would have to explain that it wasn't pRon later regardless of if it was or wasn't.

The room has High speed internet. I know from experience that usually means double dial up, but it's better than nothing.

I had WOW plus the Burning Crusade loaded and only needed to patch of BC to begin to play. I hook up the computer and hit the blizzard patch program. Blizzard tells me I have 389 meg to down load before I can play and I let it rip. Now when I say Rip I mean it's moving. The patch estimate says two hours 50 minutes. Now that is what I call High Speed.

With nothing better to do than wait, I decide to go get food. There are two places to eat within walking distance from the hotel. A Ruby Tuesdays and a local Italian food place. I ask the desk clerk on my way out which is better. He gives me that look and says, ""…Well it depends on if you want to get food poisoning or not"… If not, got to Ruby Tuesdays." This doesn't appear to be a difficult decision, so off to Ruby's I go.

I hit Ruby Tuesdays at around 10:00 pm. The place is mostly empty. There are a few portly traveling business men at the bar watching Monday Night football, a ton of empty tables and lots of servers gossiping in the back of the restaurant.

Turns out there is a convention at the hotel next to mine and the two restaurants expected to have a busy night. What they didn't know is that it was the Southern Christian Banking Association or something like that. And to make matters worse, none of them appear to be out past 9:00 pm so the place is deserted.

I hit the entrance and get pointed to an open booth towards the bar. Fine with me, I can watch the TV screen change colors but that's about it. There is a woman in the booth sitting next to me about to leave. Middle age, probably was much better looking in her younger days, but has that same tired look that I assume I have.

As I sat down she was leaving. I think we had that eye-contact-moment that said, "Yea, I'm tired too, and good luck with dinner." I think she also sent me a telepathic signal that the food here was not much better than the Italian place, but I didn't get that one in time.

I order a glass of wine and dinner. Neither was very good, but it did the trick. I get the bill, its $24.00 for a salad, glass of wine and the house special chick pot pie. This probably exceeds my daily dinner allowance, but I will find a way to be creative later if I have to.

I head back to the room. It's a 400 foot walk. It's pushing 11:00 pm local time, or 8:00 pm my time. I'm not tired, but know I have to be up and out by 7:45 am local time, or 4:45 am stomach time. I dread getting up this early but it is inevitability as Mr. Smith would say.

I head back to the room expecting my WOW patch to be done. Surprisingly it is not. Not only is it not done, it's only about 40% done. Well that sucks, no wow for me tonight.

I get ready for bed and lay down. The laptop screen eventually goes black and I lay there. I lay there for hours, literally. One of the reasons I can't sleep is its just warm in the room. The air is on, but it isn't getting any colder.

Around 1:00 am local time I finally get up to check wow. It's almost done. The problem being is I have to get up to go to the office in six or so hours. I go back to bed and lay there. A few minutes pass and I figure I will attempt to adjust the thermostat to see if I can get it any colder. I adjust it down to 68. Nothing changes, I move it to 66 and nothing changes. Well at this point I know there is a problem, because unless the room temperature is really cold and I am suffering from Hyper-Thermia there is a problem. Nothing changes the temperature and the air seems to go on every ten minutes for around five minutes, then back to a pause cycle. It's broken and that's what it is.

I lie back in bed and stare into the darkness. The last time I bothered to look at the clock it was 3:30 am local time. The sound you would have heard is the silent cry of my knowledge that I have to be up and going in four hours. I have also now been awake since 7:00 am my time and its 12:30 am my time. I should be tired.

The wakeup call came in at 7:00 am. It was an ugly sound. My body ached in ways I can't explain. I made it to the bathroom without stumbling over only to see my eyes were bloodshot like a frat boy after pledge week or Lindsey Lohan on a Monday morning.

It's going to be a long day acting like I think.

Going Home – Final Chapter

I stumble out of my room to the lobby of the Marriott Courtyard. There isn't a real restaurant here all they have is a few breakfast items. Stomach time it's too early to eat. I grab a plate of sausage and scrambled eggs and a glass of orange liquid that is based on something that may have once been picked from a tree. It's bitter, so I figure it may have fallen from the tree and sat there a few days.

It doesn't matter, it's early and I just need calories to get me to lunch.

I drive to out of the hotel and up the freeway ten miles to the office. I get lucky and read the directions correctly this time. With no police on my tail and in daylight I make good time. I want to go back to bed.

I pull up to the office and can't figure out how to get into their portion of the building. It's a big building with glass doors to a lobby then a series of six locked doors on the inside on different floors. There is no phone directory and no clue as to which door I am supposed to take. My one saving grace is I used to work with someone in my last job well enough to know by name. I get his phone number from a prior email I sent and call him. I explain I am in the lobby and I don't know which office to go to. He laughs at me, another in a line of ego boosters on this trip. He eventually tells me that one of the locked doors isn't locked and I can walk through a series of hallways to get to their door. It's a bit of a maze but with 95% of the doors being locked I eventually find the right one.

After 15 minutes of catching up with what he has been doing in the past four years I settle in. They put me in an office of someone that recently quit. Turns out the person that left would be the ideal person for me to work with, but she is gone now.

I make my first in a long series of requests for documentation and paper work and wait for the deluge of emails to arrive. My presence is causing a stir in the office. Part of the reason is I am in a suit and the rest of the office is very casual. So I stick out like OJ at the Goldman Family Reunion.

At one point I make it to the employee lunch room to get a coke. On the wall are several people offering to sell pit bull puppies. I make a Michael Vick joke to myself and go back to my office.

Funny thing I observe is that a lot of the staff is wearing hospital scrubs. Mind you some of the people do hospital billing, but we are in a totally non-clinical setting. I ask the customer service manager why people are in scrubs and she gives me this strange look. Eventually she says that she thinks it's just an easy thing to wear and clean. I give this my official "Whatever" and move on.

I was sent to the Atlanta office to look at "Stuff". There is a Dallas office that does stuff too but the director of "Stuff" said he thinks I needed to be in Atlanta. Fifteen minutes after I start getting their emails I realize I am in the wrong office.

Think of it like this, and this is a bad analogy at best. I need to talk to the winXP developers. I know win98 and winXP well, but I only want to talk to the winXP people. So I ask lots of questions about who does what in which office. I get told the people I want to talk to are in Atlanta. When I get there it's just the opposite. I know both lines (In my industry) well, but they are just not the same thing. Was I set up to go to the wrong office to protect the guilty or did I just not ask enough of the right questions.

I can see the face of my boss and him not being pleased on Monday when I get back.

I spend two days of a three day trip auditing stuff, listening to people tell me what they do, listening to people say there is no policy on this or that and this is just how things are done, sitting in on training sessions and things of that nature. By the end of the second day I ran out of people to ask because I was in the wrong office. I grab all the paperwork policy and compliance stuff I can to support my findings and leave for the day.

I tried to play wow in the hotel, but high speed internet turned out to be a 3000ms to 12,000 ms lag. Which if you know anything about wow, you know it was unplayable and I was getting booted often. I didn't rent any in-house movies because I always hear about how they are not paid, even though they almost always are. That and the guy in accounting would probably reject the report and cause me a month delay in getting paid. That left watching TV or going out. Well other than the two restaurants in walking distance, I just don't feel like going out. So it's bad TV and trying to play wow. A winning combination let me tell you.

I decide to change my flight to take off Thursday morning rather than Friday. This might backfire on me a little, but I am out of things to do and can't stall this for a day, that and it's a waste of money to hang another day. Changing the flight costs me $75 extra that I hope the company will pay. My choice was pay the $75 or hope I can do standby. If the flight is full then I would be stuck in the airport for five hours, possibly more. I gamble on the $75 and pack up for the airport.

I get to the airport and turn in my car. The people taking the car back are substantially nicer than my experience of getting it. The shuttle bus to the terminal is on time, lots of room and the air conditioner works well. So far this is going well. I ended up only using about a third of a tank of gas so paying for the full tank was not a great call on my part.

The security line was longer than John Wayne (Orange County) Airport but moved at a much faster speed. Note to self, John Wayne airport security is really, really slow. It kind of grosses me out walking that last 25 feet with no shoes on when I know there are like 10,000 people per day walking on this tile floor with no shoes on. I think there just needs to be a better solution to this part.

Knowing it's a four to five hour flight I try to get something to eat. It's still early stomach time so I have to force something down. I know that there isn't anything on the plane but dry cracker snacks so eating is rather important.

The flight was long and boring, and full. I probably would have made the standby list and not paid the $75 but it would have meant a middle seat. Not horrible, but not desirable either. A nice looking woman is sitting next to me. She had a bit of a butch look about her. I am guessing she swung from the other side of the plate because I caught her looking at the same chicks I was looking at it. So much so she caught me catching her. We laughed quietly to ourselves and really didn't speak much. About two hours into the flight she went to drink some water and the plane hit a little turbulence and she spilled a bunch of water down her top. She laughed and said "Well that was fun" I responded with something like "yea, right you planned that just to have an excuse to talk to me"…" I got a smile out of it and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation.

During the flight my blackberry doesn't get reception. So if I get any emails they kind of stack up until we are on approach to John Wayne.

I know I am supposed to have my phone off but I pretty much never do. My brother is a pilot in the air force and says all that hype about cell phones on planes is BS so I haven't turned my phone off in a while. Later if I am on a flight that goes down, ill come back from beyond and post something that says "Turn your phones off, or you will die". That or I will haunt my ex wife and leave all the lights on in her house during the day.

A few miles from landing I get the first bulk of emails. The first one was the best; it said welcome home like nothing else.

Subject line: Police called and arrested a former employee
Opening text: They said she had a few hundred credit card forms from our customers and appears to have been running up charges for a few months on them. Need to talk now.

Welcome home...

Epilogue - Dog poop on the front lawn

So I get home after the trip and relax (Read: play wow, drink wine, watch TV and mentally shut down for a day or two). I didnt spend much time out front other than to water the plants the kids didnt seem to get to. So I didnt see the front lawn until today. No real reason, I just didnt get to examining the lawn. We moved into this place only a month ago so I always find something else that needs to get done first.

Well I walk out today getting ready to go to work and I see this woman walking her dog. I dont know dog breeds well but I am guessing there is some Labrador type mix going on. The dog is on a leash and she has the blue poop bag in her other hand. The bag is empty.

Why do I bring this up because the dog just got done taking a dump on my lawn and her and the dog are walking away. I also notice there are a few little piles of dog by-product left on the lawn. I dont have a dog and I dont have anything against them, but I dont want your dogs poop on my lawn. How about this, clean it up.

She doesnt seem to hear me either and is still 20 feet from the crime scene. I hit my lock the doors button on my car alarm because I know it will make the horn beep. Not loud, but enough to be heard by someone 20 feet away.

She hears the horn and her and the dog turn around. I look at her and then at the doog poop and then back at her. Not a mean look, but a look that says "Clean up the poop lady!".

She stops and starts that calculation that asks if I was there long enough to see her dog poop or did I just walk out.

This my friends is one of those character making decisions. Its right up there with you need two more points to get into the Pearly Gates or not when St. Peter asks one final question "Did you clean up the poop ?".

Well the decision had been made, the dog looked at me and said thanks for the nice lawn, and the lady walked away without cleaning up her poop, empty blue bag in hand.

I said loud enough for her to hear me "Thanks, see you tomorrow..."

and drove off to work.

When i got to work I had ten plus messages in a series on the customer service employee that was arrested along with her boyfriend for some type of fraud and they found our companys credit card slips in her apartment.

The police wouldnt tell us what she was charged with or if they had any specific information on if she used our customers credit card information for illegal purposes.

Tomorrow I have to interview staff in the other office to see if anyone knew anything or what we could have done to prevent this. It has turned out to be at least 100 credit card numbers, expiration dates, full customer names and that goofy three digit verification number on the back of visa and mastercard and the four digit number on the front of american express.

This is one of those parts of my job I dont like. Sooner or later we are going to have to figure out what she did and how we notify the customers of this "potential security / information breach". Not going to be a good day when I have to start taking their calls.

I think I will schedule my stress leave that month...

Observations from a place I used to work at

---(from 2008)

Halloween

I really like Halloween. It has a lot of fond memories. Being a kid and getting lots of candy and wearing cool creepy monster costumes. Then later being an adult and getting beer instead of candy and checking out sorority chicks in costumes that were at best excuses to wear black ripped stockings, zombie slut nurse outfits or the classic Elvira wig. So yea, I like the holiday. It should be a much longer party, but then again, I digress.

For those of you that remember, or dare I say care, I work in the compliance department at a company. That means I have to act like I care when people complain and investigate real problems and total BS problems. The real ones I take very seriously, the bogus ones I cringe at (usually daily).

Well it happened, someone finally complained about my favorite holiday, Halloween. Someone random F*cktard said that ""…Halloween is an abomination against god and a satanic ritual intended to lure children into devil worship"…". There is more to the story, but to cut to the chase, we can no longer say, reference or endorse the word Halloween as a company. We can only say "Fall Festival" now. Yes, you heard that correctly, we can't say or print Halloween, we have to say "Fall Festival". We could celebrate the Great Pumpkin in a Pumpkin patch I imagine, but we can't say Halloween.

We were going to have company pot luck for Halloween, now we are going to have a Fall Festival Pot luck. I hope they don't assume the Pot part of the Luck involves marijuana"…

Sorry kids, we were going to watch that movie with Michael Meyers when he wore that hockey mask, you remember that movie, and it's called Fall Festival.

You know I really liked that Tim Burton movie the Nightmare before Christmas. What was the name of the town they lived in, oh yea Fall Festival Town.

USB Drives

You know the mass memory storage thingies. I paid $80 a few years ago for the 512 meg when it was the largest one out there. Last week I bought the 4 gig size for $39 so times have changed. I don't use mine for work unless I have to travel and move large presentation files or non sensitive data. On the outside chance I have to move large files with sensitive data I encrypt them and zip them and then rar them again with encryption. While I know this isn't 100% safe, it's a lot safer than simply moving Excel files around and leaving them on USB drives. The large point is I am trusted and am allowed by my job to use a USB storage device. So it isn't an issue for me.

We have a group policy that says people employed with the company at level one and two can't use these devices, are prohibited from bringing them in and are not allowed to install new devices on their work desktop computers. Simple fact, they are entry level to slightly above, they have access (albeit limited, and as a need to know only) to sensitive information. So far I hope you understand, this just makes sense. Later if they get into another position, things Might change.

Well last week random Director of Operations tells one of the IT tech guys to open up the USB storage device option for a group of her level one and two staff. He panics, she is a director and he doesn't know what to do and she makes veiled insinuations about how he had better do this or else.

He does. So then she goes around with a USB storage thingy and loads this file that she needs for a special project on a bunch of their computers so they can work on this super special project. Keep in mind it probably took him as long to open up the device and then make sure each computer had access to this as it would to make a shared network folder with certain permissions for those same users to access. He offered this, the Director said she didn't have time and didn't want to fill out the paperwork (one form).

If she had asked permission with a compelling argument and had been told it was ok by the CIO or something, sure, then someone knows and accepts some responsibility. She didn't. As a matter of fact, she never told anyone. I only found out through one of my random discussions with the IT guy (that's part of what I do). He told me so he wouldn't get in trouble.

She didn't even ask to have the access reset pack to the normal settings after she was done. She didn't ask to make sure the files were deleted from the staff's computers. She just went on about her day.

So now it's a major deal that I have to go around and Audit all these group policies, the devices that can be used on a desktop, who has what permissions and what the procedure is if you need some type of emergency access to something.

It all would have been solved if she had just spent the ten minutes to get a network folder up and running. I doubt I will find anything bad happened or that the names of nine million people will have been sold to AOL for spam or anything, but this was so FN unnecessary.

Cell Phones at work

We have a policy that says something like, you can't use a cell phone at work unless you are in a break room or outside the building. That shouldn't be hard to grasp. That means, you can't use a cell phone at your desk.

So last week, again, I see several people using their cell phones at their desk, talking and texting. Again, we are talking about line staff, phone staff, customer service staff and not anyone in any level of management.

The intent of the policy is to make sure customer service staff are taking care of customers and that we mitigate potential risks of the release of sensitive information that someone could see on a computer and then transfer to another person by using their cell phone. If you don't like those two reasons, the better one is then, because if you are on your cell phone, you are not working. I know this isn't an iron wall, it's a screen door to stop the rhinos from invading into the village. But it is still the policy.

So I make the same casual reminder to the supervisor who tells me whoops, sorry, I'll take care of this. Who then tells the manager who now has a problem with me and how I conduct audits.

A barrage of emails go back and forth, people in different offices, different states and in all levels of management get dragged into this. Finally someone asks the question, well Mrs. Manager, are your people using cell phones against policy, yes or no. It took her 900 words to admit that it might have happened, but she never saw it, but that was all it took.

Why are we arguing this point I wonder. It isn't life or death, it isn't the loss of a huge customer, it is just someone got caught not making sure her people were doing what they are asked to do. Get off your little territorial island and deal with it.

Odd, this week no one is using their cell phone at their desk.

Accepting a job

If you reply to an ad we are running for a job. You send in a resume. You set up and complete a phone interview. You show up, usually in the best set of clothes you own and complete at least one, if not two interviews. We offer you a position, we tell you the hours, the benefits, your start date and the pay. You accept the position and you even put down in writing your acceptance of the position.

Please, for the love of gawd, show up the first day. And if you don't show up the first day, and you don't have some kind of ""…aliens kidnapped me and made me watch x-files with Elvis"…" kind of story, then do not be surprised if we decide you are not a good candidate for employment and terminate are agreement.

So if you call a week later and say you are still interested in the position, you agreed to show up to last week, and never called. Expect a thanks, but no thanks response.

Drug Tests

As part of our company policy, we will send you for a drug test. It's rare that anyone objects. It's pretty common now in my part of the world to take one. I have seen a few people not show up to the drug test and we never hear from them again, but for the most part people take them and that's that.

On occasion someone's test comes back with some prescription drug that we have to have them validate that they can legally have this in their system, but that is rare.

About once a year someone comes in, accepts the job, contingent of them passing the background stuff, goes to take the drug test and it comes back that they were smoking the whole bowl right before the test or that they were doing crazy illegal stuff within a few hours of taking the test. I just wonder why they bother taking it. This isn't about anti-doping for guys who ride bikes in France or chicks that ran in the Olympics in Australia. This is about Bob who did a line of meth within an hour of taking a test and it shows up in blazing colors in a small cup. Makes me glad anyone and breed on their strong genes.

Please dont ask for my opinion at work

---(from 2008)

This is probably more of a blog kind of post. I actually created a site to put these, but I haven't really spent the time to figure out how to do it properly. Either that or I would rather play wow.

In the capacity of my job working in the compliance department I get asked for my opinion on a lot of things. Assuming there are 100 things to know, ranging from how to clean the toilets based on OSHA standards to setting up a secure wireless network, I am probably qualified by my job and experience to answer 15 of them. Five of them with certainty, five of them with a high probability of being correct and five of them based on "Stuff" I did with other companies that no one else has done before at this company.

I wouldn't call this a great ratio of being able to offer a qualified opinion, but it does keep me employed and so far they keep paying me.

Now to clarify, there is a huge difference from being asked an opinion for the correct way to do a thing as opposed to knowing the policy, procedure or company approved way to do that same thing. Since most people don't know or don't care to know the correct way to do a thing, and it's part of my job to know these things, by default I look smart. A clever deception I assure you.

This has the down side of people assume I know what I am doing when I am really just quoting or translating policy. Which in turn means I get asked a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have to answer, but do anyway? Herein lies the rub, so to speak.

As long as it's a work related item, I am there. Count me in, let's get the thing resolved and move on. Trust me, this is not a selfless act, and I am not an altruistic person by my nature. I do this for one reason, because if the person or group screws something up I am usually the person that has to go clean up the mess, document how the mess got to be in its current Mess-Like capacity, create a new policy to avoid future-mess or investigate the people that created the mess for some type of malevolent behavior. Hence, the better people comply with stuff, the easier things are for me.

Mind you I have no belief in the perfect work, nor does the Utopian work place exist, so I know I can remain employed indefinitely based on the failures, incompetency's and screw ups of others. I've been told I'm cynical, but how could that possibly be true I say to them"…

So yesterday there were two separate events I am going to illustrate on how this works.

The random supervisor makes and appointment to see me. That's a nice way of saying they dropped in, closed the door and said, hey do you have a minute, and there is something I want your opinion on.

What I wanted to say:

In other words you didn't bother to look this up in the policy manual, you didn't bother to check with HR or you simply can't figure this out and you want to create a trail of Blame should this backfire on you.

What I actually said

Sure, come on in

The supervisor starts out with this lengthy description of this one employee that works for her. Let's call the employee Jane. Well Jane is marginal at her job. Easy to get along with, shows up on time, does more than the minimum and doesn't make waves. My version of the explanation took 19 minutes less than the supervisors, with the same net facts. I don't care what car she drives, I don't care where she lives and I don't care that she recently started weight watchers.

The supervisor says that Jane requested to take three days off because her Aunt died and the supervisor wants to know if Jane can take her company paid bereavement days to deal with this.

The answer is really quite easy. The policy says that bereavement can only be taken for immediate family members. Typically this means mom, dad, children (god forbid), brothers and sisters. The variable is that it can be taken for other non immediate family members if they live with the employee. I don't want to get all cold and heartless on you, but I have seen people say they need to take three days off for their ninth cousin Elmo that died in a freak Meth lab explosion and they need to deal with some stuff. Oh yea, and they haven't seen Elmo for eleven years. In those cases we have had to indicate that the policy does not extend to anyone outside the immediate family and that they will have to get time off approved. It is almost always approved, but there is a difference in the event that causes us to make a decision.

Back to Jane, the supervisor says the aunt lived 100 miles away and was not really considered immediate family, but Jane saw the Aunt several times a year and more than just holidays.

I know I am getting set up on this one, but I've been around long enough to see this coming. I ask the supervisor what do they want to do. The question really being is are you going to stand up for your employee that is not a problem and not a star employee or are you going to deny them the time. As a company, we have no intention of being cruel to the people that work here. However, we are going to try not to get taken advantage of either.

The supervisor doesn't see through my ruse and sits there unsure how to answer. So I wait it out a minute. It was a very long minute for that supervisor. She eventually says, well since Jane hasn't been a problem, I guess I would say go ahead and let her use the time since this was a family member that was more than just a holiday visit. I explain that in this case the supervisor would have to advise Jane in writing that an exception to the policy was being made and that this was all the bereavement time the company would allow for the year. That should anyone else suddenly pass away, that Jane would be required to use her vacation time and it would need to be approved. The reason we do this is so later we have ourselves covered and the employee isn't blindsided by being told no in a difficult time.

Personally I think it was a good decision, not great, but good. The problem being that every time we create one of these exceptions to the rule, someone else will try to bend it further down the road. See the above Elmo and the Meth lab example.

I don't want to be black and white about the world, but policies are written for a reason. They should be a line in the sand. Not a catch all, but a solid decision point. Granted they should be updated based on business necessity, industry trends and other relevant things but adhered to as a rule.

So in this case, I really didn't give my opinion, I offered a way out to the supervisor, but at the cost of taking some responsibility and for doing the right thing. The supervisor walks away, calls HR and probably asks how to write a memo to Jane.

At 4:30pm that same day Bob comes to my office. Bob reminds me a lot of the guy from the movie Airplane that jumped into a scene with a flowery voice and said "There's a Sale at Penny's, there's a sale at Penny's". I think Bob has yet to leave the closet officially, but I really don't care, not really my business and doesn't affect his work. I have kind of a live and let live philosophy on a lot of these things (among consenting adults that is).

I need to give some background history on how we got to the point where Bob wants to talk to me. Go grab a beer and come back, it will be a bit of a read. Ideally somewhat interesting.

When I was originally hired in January it was in Department A. I was hired by Chuck to do a certain job. Let's call this play a horde mage in world of warcraft was what I was hired to do. I loved the idea of doing this, and they wanted me here. Win-Win.

Well a week before I start, Chuck calls and said they hired someone to come in and be my boss and build this department. At the time, I thought I was going to work for Chuck and play a horde mage. I don't meet my new boss until I get here. We will call him Al. Well I get to the new job and talk to Al about expectations and things like that. Al tells me he is really excited because he knows how much I like video games and has a lot to learn from me. This was not a good sign, he didn't say horde mage playing wow, he said video games. Some time passes, I do some traveling for another department that was in line with what Chuck told me I was going to do. I had fun, I got things done and the right people saw I was the right person for the job. This will be huge later, trust me.

Well a few weeks into the job Al says he wants me to focus my time playing Halo 3 on an Xbox 360 full time and since I like video games this idea makes sense to him. Al has no experience in video games and doesn't really understand why they even exist. He knows computers, but not games. He has never played computer games and doesn't see a lot of difference between playing a horde mage in wow on a PC versus playing Halo 3 on an Xbox 360. 32 bit graphics, things get shot at other people, there is jumping, it takes more than just dumb luck to get really good, some people use voip servers to group play, so yea, it's the same thing.

Red flags start going up in my mind. The company is small enough that I need to be a team player and adapt some of the things I may not know well so I go along with this, albeit reluctantly.

This goes on a bit more, but now Al is hitting me hard to focus more and more on a single element of Halo 3 on the Xbox. This wouldn't be a bad thing, but it wasn't what I was hired to do, it wasn't really what I was good at and most importantly, it wasn't what he was telling Chuck that we were doing. It was just the only way he knew how to talk to me.

I tried in vain to explain what I knew, what I was hired to do and that we were not getting our goals met because we were focusing on something that was not in line with what Chuck was expecting us to do. I could have done what Al wanted from home, and without having to drive in an hour each way. As it was he scheduled weekly status conference calls with the entire department, which was him and me. He would schedule a conference call with me and I say ten feet from him rather than say hey, let's go talk about where we are at on this thing.

There is a lot more to the story, but at some point I fell so far behind in what I was hired to do and became so frustrated knowing that I was going to look like an idiot when Chuck asked to see what I was doing that I said to Al, this isn't what we and I are supposed to be doing. He blew me off and said; well it's my goal, so we are doing it. I am not one to just up and quit a job. I don't think its professional and if you don't like that as an answer, it will bite you in the ass at some time later because you quit without notice.

I had it one day. I walked into Al's office dropped off my card key, blackberry, laptop and other stuff and said I was leaving. I quit. He was shocked and couldn't understand why. He asked why I was quitting and I said I have tried to explain this in the past and it has fallen on deaf ears and I left. I was shaking with the knowledge I walked out on a good paying job my entire drive home. I went over the hundreds of emails, the conversations everything. That was the longest hour of my life.

I called my wife and told her I quit. She was supportive and concerned about bills. But she was supportive. I know I drank a bottle or two of wine that night and passed out playing my horde mage later. That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my working adult career.

The next day, somewhat hung-over I started the process of reconnecting with friends I used to work with, checking on potential jobs and seeing what was out there. Nothing productive happened; I was still in shock from my decision. I felt better about it, but it was a tough decision. It would take some cutting into the emergency funds if this goes past a month, but I knew something would manifest itself, it's just that it might not be the ideal scenario.

The following day I got a call from Debbie at the place I just quit. I have known her for 15 years. She and I used to work for another company. At one time I actually worked for her. I have a great deal of respect for her because of her knowledge and integrity. But she is a stubborn pain in the ass also. She was in a senior management position at the prior company.

She asked what happened and why I quit. I explained the story. I wasn't cruel and I didn't embellish but I did tell her the facts. She said she wanted to talk to some people and get back to me. I figured this was some kind of exit interview or something and didn't think much about it.

Well the next day she calls and says that the senior management (four out of five of them) totally understands why I quit and want me to come back into a different position and not working for Al. I was blown away. I figured I had burnt the bridge and put land mines for fifty miles between myself and the company and chased the baby seals with a chainsaw. This was just insane, I quit and they want me back.

It turns out I had impressed the right people and they found out Al was sending me on wild goose chases because he didn't know what else to do. Again, there is a lot more to the story, but they not only hired me back, they gave me a raise. I ended up taking a two week vacation without pay, but I went back to the old company, got an office, a promotion, more money and some actual respect. My new job is not playing a horde mage in wow, its playing an undead mage in wow on a pve server. Close in one regard, but very narrow in another. But it's what I know, and it isn't Halo 3 on the Xbox 360.

So back to Al. He doesn't like me, at all. He isn't a dick to me, but I can tell he doesn't like me. I am now at the same management level as he is. I know they asked him all sorts of stuff about me. Whatever he told them, I was still offered a job and came back.

A few months go by and Al hires Bob in my old job. They hired someone closer to what Al wanted and someone that was in line with what Chuck wanted also. But a different position than what I did. Using the same example, they hired someone that has some Halo 3 experience and someone that has played wow, but not a lot of specialization either direction. Bob is also a lot more of a yes man than I would ever be.

So I'm happy, Al's happy, Chuck's happy, Debbie's happy, we're all just one big happy family. All except for Bob it turns out.

Ok, finally back to Bob dropping into my office at 4:30pm yesterday. It's not that I don't like Bob, it's that I don't really deal with his department and honestly I don't really know him well enough to trust him or his intentions being as he works for Al and I know Al doesn't like me. Bob has some very solid knowledge of our industry so I can respect that.

Bob walks into my office, sits down and closes the door and says, so why did you quit? Did you not get along with Al? What were they asking you to do, play wow, or Halo 3, or what? How did Al treat you? I want to know as much about Al as you can tell me, I have to make some decisions.

And then he just sits there waiting, and expecting me to answer.

Talk about asking for my opinion and its totally subjective and talk about pulling the grenade pin and dropping it under my desk. This could just be suicide for me to even respond to him. I don't really have a good way to get out of this and I don't really want to tell him anything that can put me in a bad place. It just isn't a good idea to go back down that road. What the hell am I going to do?

It was a long minute to sit there. It felt like the earlier story but this time I was the supervisor and had to make a decision on what to do. I had to figure out in the fleeting moments of this minute if I was being set up or was I going to say the wrong thing. I have a history of telling things the way I see them that has caused problems for me in the past. I found out, as Jack Nicholson said in "A Few Good Men" that most people cant handle the truth, let alone my personal spin on it.

By nature I don't like office politics, but I have become proficient at ensuring I am in the right place at the right time and talking to the right people. There is a school of thought that says, its all about who you know, and then there are those that say its all about what you know. I think it's a mix of the two of those most of the time, but it can be extreme to either side other times.

So Bob is sitting in my office, its now 4:31pm and he let loose with all canons. Its time to respond. I decide that I'm going to take the high road but leave a few clues along that road that the prudent person would pick up on. While my personal experience with Al was less than exciting, Al does know a few elements of our industry extremely well. They didn't hire him because he is an idiot, they hired him because he knows his sh*t in some very important aspects of our business. Yea, I think the guy is a dick and has the personality of a presto-log, but that isn't the point.

The one other element I haven't mentioned was that when they brought me back my new boss said I was to not talk about anything having to do with my leaving the company and coming back, as it really wasn't anyones business. So all Bob knows is what Al told him or what the rumor mill had going on.

I lean back in my chair and start with my response to Bob.

Bob, i'm not sure what you want me to say. There are some confidential issues that would be inappropriate for me to respond or speculate on. I will say this, there was some miscommunication on both sides during my first incarnation with the company. I think those gaps were closed and the affected parties have moved on"…

Bob interrupts me

Right, but what about Al were you doing what you were hired to do?

I respond, to a certain extent, no I was not. But I'm not going to get into that because it isn't relevant to your position with the company and what you were hired to do. While I am sure there are some similarities between what you are doing and what I did, I simply don't know enough to comment, and that isn't the issue to begin with.

Bob doesn't really like that answer either and says to me that Al is having him do things that are not in line with his understanding of the position and what he is good at. For a moment I must have dropped my poker face and given a substantial tell. Bob looks at me and says, and I know you know what I am talking about.

I switch back to corporate mode and tell Bob, that is between you and Al, I cant help you with your relationship with your supervisor and how job duties are explained or prioritized. You need to talk to Al about this, and if that isn't working, you need to see if you can find some time to talk to Chuck about this. But I am not the person that you need to speak with on that subject.

This didn't phase Bob, he kept up his attack. Bob says to me, well yea, i know but Al is a dick and I am tired of doing things that aren't what I was hired to do. I didn't spend 15 years in the industry learning {Stuff} to come here and do {other stuff} that isn't why I was hired.

My only response to Bob is that he needs to work this out with Al and I leave it at that.

At some point Bob realizes he isn't going to get much more out of me on the issue.

Bob changes gears and tries the end-around. He starts telling me about his personal life, which honestly I don't care about one way or another. He tells me about the company he worked for before and his relationship with prior bosses and how he handled communication issues. I know what he is attempting to do, but I see it coming before Bob gets finished I let him know that this is a new company, we are a newer player in the industry and none of us have been here for a long time. If he has an issue with how things are done, he needs to address them through the normal chain of command. While admirable that he was able to navigate the murky waters of a prior corporate existence, it doesn't change the fact that he is here and needs to handle this in the same way.

Bob knows he hit a road block and doesn't know where to go.

I decide to throw him a bone before I depart for the day. I say, yea, there were some things I was doing that you inherited, some of them make sense and some of them took a long time to complete with little or no benefit to the company or what we were doing at the time. If you have a suggestion and you don't think Al is listening, you need to find a way to say it differently. Yea, some of the projects I was working on were not what I thought I was hired to do. Yea, I didn't make the best decision on how I communicated them to Al and I don't think my departure was the most professional way to leave a company.

I continue building to my closing statement. So, your choices are rather clear, accept the way things are and move on, attempt to change them in some positive way or another and be creative about it, or leave. There just aren't any other options. You cant stay and be miserable, well you can, but then you would be an idiot. So Accept, Change or Leave, but make a decision. The only way this is going to get better is working towards the common good. If you don't need the money, then leave if you don't feel like working through this. If you need the money or the job, then seriously deal with it. But I suggest if you do make a decision, don't go down the road I did, you might not be as lucky as I was.

Bob can see I closed the loop and the conversation is over. He gets up, says thanks and walks out of my office.

I think I answered enough of his questions that he knows what I went through. I don't think I said anything that will haunt me into the nether worlds and I think I left enough clues that he can make some decisions.

Turns out its 5:00pm and I feel like going home. It took around 30 minutes to have the conversation, I think I gave enough of my opinion to be safe and didn't cause problems, so I pack up and head home.

So yea, if you want my opinion, you might get it, you might not. But understand the question and the context of what you are asking before you sit down and ask me anything.

Ps – I don't work in Washington, but I do indirectly work in the medical industry, in a non clinical way

Perspective and Make A Wish

---(from 2009)

I work in California and Dallas Texas (Irving to be specific, but who's counting). I fly to Dallas for a week or two a month to do {Stuff}.

The other day I was on my twice monthly flight from Orange County, California to the Dallas / Ft. Worth International Airport. I dont enjoy this, but it is how I pay the bills.

It had been a long day prior. I had a lot of presentation material to get ready. I was tired. The weekend came and went to fast and Monday morning was not a pretty sight. I packed my red 22" carry on bag and made sure my trusty Dell 620 had all the attachments.

My car was out of gas and I was running late. It was cold outside and had rained a little. I was groggy from not getting enough sleep and my back hurt from sleeping in some John Merrick like position.

Don't get me wrong, these were nothing terrible, I was just internally complaining to myself about the small things in life.

I get to the airport and for some reason American Airlines wouldnt issue me a boarding pass unless I spoke with one of the many, very friendly people at the counter (note, the preceeding line was very sarcastic). It turns out they didnt bill my credit card properly and I had to re-buy my ticket. I'm a little annoyed.

Time goes by, this gets worked out. The security line wasnt bad but my plane was boarding in 15 minutes and I wanted to get something to eat. Which, at the John Wayne / Orange County Airport means McDonalds or starve. Since I know there is no food on the plane. To McDonalds I go.

I get to the gate, people are doing their usual "Stand Around and Wait To Rush The Jetway" when their group is called. I get bumped, pushed and people cut in front of me. Whatever, i've done this before, its expected.

The usual throngs of people on their cell phones are yammering away, the salesmen are making their last pitch for a few hours, the kids are having the same old txt message fest they always do. The same person that always complains about airports is complaining about airports.

I get on the plane in my usual 27f seat (its a 737 if you care, so its the 2nd to last row, window seat). I get this seat because its close to the bathrooms, the exit of the plane if it crashes, I can always store my carry on(s) and if I want a drink I can get up easily and ask for it. Oddly, I have a system going on.

The flight attendants (read: sexy Stews, if you're an Austin Powers fan) check the masses to ensure that no electronic device is on. As you know, your IPod can bring down the plane due to the extreme electro-magnetic interference it causes. Gawd forbid someone uses an electronic Yaghtzee game or we would all die.

The flight is full. I get lucky and there is no one in the middle row. The cooling on the plane isnt working so its much warmer than usual.

We take off and head out east towards Texas and I load Fallout on my laptop (yes, Fallout 1 !!).

Twenty minutes into the flight one of the flight attendants gets on the intercom and says there is a special guest on the flight.

Well this is new, so I actually listen (unlike that whole safety warning video that I havent paid attention to in years).

The message announced is as follows:

"We have a very special guest on the flight today. His name is Christian and he is nine years old. He will be traveling with us today to Texas as part of the Make A Wish Foundation, to join a team of professional storm chasers to hunt for tornados."

For those of you that may not know what that meant, turns out Christian is a nine year old boy with terminal cancer, and this is his dying wish. The plane was silent for a moment then they gave him a standing ovation.

All of a sudden, none of my problems seem of any consequence, my back doesnt hurt, i'm not so tired anymore, the plane isnt really that warm and I wonder what my children are doing at the moment.

Kind of puts things in perspective...

Death - losing friends and family - long

---(from 2009)

I am going to talk on some areas that not all of you may want to read. If so, hit the delete button and no harm done.

I cannot speak for all of you, and I will say, clearly that is not my intention. Its been right around seven years since my dad died and it got me thinking of somethings.

My good friend Geno died in 1990 from stomach cancer. He was a year older than me and we had worked together for a few years when I was a DJ. He died slowly and for the most part in pain over a year.

The last time we did anything it was that I took him to Benihana for sushi. He was rather deep into the chemo, totally bald and couldn’t taste most foods unless they were really spicy. The only way he could keep food down was by smoking out before he ate, otherwise he got sick and that was a really bad thing.

I remember driving to the restaurant and him asking me if he could spark one up. I looked over at the guy, bald, pale, a distended stomach from the cancer and a very frail person that a year prior to this could have easily kicked my ass. At that moment he probably weighed under a hundred pounds and would have broken like a twig if the wind blew the wrong direction.

I didn’t know what to do, so I said f*ck it, let’s go do something we were not supposed to do. Because of the chemo, his immune system was shot and raw fish is not a good thing to eat because of potential bacterial problems. He said; screw them all, I know I am going to die, so let’s have fun. We flirted with waitresses, drank beer (again a No No under chemo) and ate loads of sushi. Somehow the restaurant gave us a discount and it was a good evening. The only thing he ever asked me was “…are you sure you don't mind if I smoke out in your car, because the cops don't like this kind of thing…” Funny story about that, I looked him in the eye and said, like any cop is going to give me a ticket after taking a look at you, hell, they will probably join us for a beer. He laughed. It was one of the greatest feelings I remember when he laughed, at that point in his cancer, his laughter was few and far between.

He died a month or so later. The cancer spread and simply ate him alive. It’s been a lot of years, but I do miss my friend Geno.

If you haven't lost a friend or family member, in one regard I envy you, in another, I pity you for what will eventually come.

My grandmother died in the late 90’s. My grandfather died a few years after that. My dad died in 2002 and my stepfather (my 2nd dad) died two years after that.

I didn’t really see my grandparents during their final months because of work and other BS excuses I made to not see them. I went to their funerals and spoke at both of them

My dad was a different story. He told me mid 2001 he has stage four (read: terminal) cancer (bilateral lung cancer). He asked me to go to the oncologist with him. The doctor said to him, you are going to die, there is nothing we can do about it, and it will be 12 months. So the decision is one and one only, how do you want to spend your last year.

I could see my dad was not taking this well, who would. He asked about smoking and asbestos and all sorts of things that may have been the cause and some things that may have been a cure.

The doctor, ever stoic said, you have 12 months I am sorry.

At this time my dad was healthy. Strong, active in the church and the Lions Club. He exercised daily and worked because it was the right thing to do.

Over the next year he slowly died in front of my eyes. He lost weight, he was in pain, and he started out on a little oxygen (2 liters per minute) and ended up on 20 liters per minute just to catch his breath.

We talked almost every night for months. Eventually I started going over to his house after work pretty much every day. Each day I could see a little more of him fade away.

Eventually we stopped talking because he was so drugged up to numb the pain he wasn’t there anymore.

I wanted my dad back. But that was not going to happen. He was gone and it was just a matter of time.

One day when he was feeling really good, which meant he could stand up, he said lets go get a beer and a burger, just us boys. Mind you, this whole time my brother was stationed overseas on some version of the gulf war part two and simply couldn’t get out of it.

This request to go get a burger was a logistical nightmare. He was on so much oxygen that I had to load the back of the car with these large green tanks that would last him 20 minutes, and they really weren’t enough to keep him going for long. He could also barely stand so anything other than a few feet of a walk, and he was winded.

We said, screw it, we were going. I burnt a full tank driving to the sports bar, the closest one I knew of. I changed tanks for him in the car and it started to rain. We pulled up to the sports bar only to find all of the handicapped parking spaces full, and mind you, not a one of them had the little blue thing that hung from your rear view mirror indicating you had the right to park there. We got lucky and parked around 50 feet from the door. For me no big deal, for him in the rain, holding two oxygen tanks in tow, this was a big deal.

We made it in and sat down. By the time we did, I saw his two tanks were almost depleted. I went back to my car and got two more. There were only four remaining and I knew it would take at least one to drive home.

Sadly I had to rush my dad to eat and get out because he simply needed the oxygen and I could only hold so many tanks in my car.

He got his beer, watched some obscure game on tv and ate most of his burger.

This was the last time I did anything with my dad outside. I can still picture the entire scene in my head.

Similar to Geno, for some reason the restaurant gave us a discount, it wasn’t much, but it felt good to get it. This was a really tough time for me.

It was raining harder and I got him to the car. I plugged in the last tank and said we have to go. He knew there was no denying the truth of his need of the oxygen, but played it off like, let’s go to home depot, I need to get some paint for the office. I said yea, sure, let’s do that, but I drove home just in time to plug him into the two machines that put out the 20 liters he needed and not the tanks that could push a maximum of 12 liters.

He was happy that he got to go out. He kind of thanked me, but more in the way of, let’s do this again next week.

Next week never came.

His condition turned for the worse and he became bed ridden. They put him on so much morphine that he was in an out of a coma for the final months.

I don't know to this day which is worse, losing someone right away without notice or watching them die over time in front of you. I don't want to choose, I don't want to do either. But one or the other will likely happen.

I miss you dad.

Can we get a Status on your ED – Work Story

---(from 2007)

To catch you up, I work for hospitals (I used to do other stuff between working for hospitals, but back to actual hospital business office stuff).

There are lots of terms, acronyms and just odd phrases at hospitals.

One of my favorite I wrote something about a long time ago is FAP. No, it's not that. FAP stands for Financial Assistance Program. This term is used daily by old women talking about patients and charity care adjustments, all the time oblivious to the other meaning of the term.

I digress.

When you go to the hospital you probably go to what you call the Emergency Room (aka the ER). That is in fact a correct term for the name of the place. However at a hospital everything is a department. The Radiology Department, the Oncology Department or even the Pharmacy is a department.

It might be a unit, like the NICU is the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit, but ultimately it is considered a Department for cost center purposes. So you didn’t go to the Emergency Room, you really went to the Emergency Department, or the ED as most of us call it.

Sorry, had to explain it a little better.

So if you watch much TV, or any advertisements during any sporting event there is always some commercial about a guy that takes the magic blue pill and it solves all of this “problems”.

He smiles, he plays golf, he takes a bath in an open meadow with some hot younger chick. This magic pill cures all of his worldly ills.

He suffers from ED (Erectile Dysfunction) or has a midlife crisis and thinks that he has a problem when he really doesn't.

I get a call from a female CFO the other day, it goes kind of like this:

Her: Hi, this is Debbie, I am the CFO for {hospital} and wanted to check the status on your ED?
Me: {shocked}, Um… I’m sorry, my what ?
Her: I show you were due to present your ED findings at the next leadership meeting to all the CFO’s. Do you have your ED information ?
Me: {realizing now what she means} Yes, I have an update on the ED for all the CFO’s that have an ED {I kind of snicker to myself at the wittiness of my phrase}
Her: Great, when can we get a look at the ED reports?
Me: Well that would normally be hard to pinpoint an exact date, but we have been working overtime to correct the ED situation, so I suspect you should see that coming in your email today {again, I consider myself rather witty and extremely immature, but witty nonetheless}.
Her: Great news. I will let the other CFO’s know that your ED information will be in our email soon {I really wanted her to say “…I am glad that your ED is coming along as planned...” but wasn’t so lucky}
Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Her: No, thank you for working on the ED reports, this is really going to help us understand the problem better.
Me: Alright, then I will get that out to you as soon as I can. Its just good to hear that the left hand and the right hand are working together on this.
Her: I agree, have a great day.

Some days my job is fun.

How I Enjoy The Corruption of Simplicity

---(from 2007)

I'm not using corruption in the correct sense according to Dictionary.com, but that's ok it isn't really my intent. Mind you there are some versions of the definitions there that I do think come close. For that matter those of you with an education greater than mine (read: 8th grade or equivalent) could probably find a better word.

So back to corruption. I was down in the lunch room in the building I work. There are around 250 people that have access to the lunch room. So we know off the bat, around 248 of them are slobs. The type of people that make a pig sty look, well, more like a lunch room then the actual lunch room in question here.

We used to have bottled water dispensers in the lunch room. Around ten of them as I recall. They are all gone now. For that matter they have technically been gone for weeks because the company stopped buying the large plastic jugs of water. Before you Stalinist types get on the band wagon about the bad company holding us down, wait, there's more.

We had the dispensers, we had the bottles and the bottles were sitting in the dispensers in a capacity that would yield a water-esque by-product if you pressed the magic white button with a cup underneath. That ended and for weeks all we had were the dispensers (sans the plastic bottles of semi-full water, as the French would say), collecting dust. Well, let me clarify, we had the bottles, but they were locked up in another room. We had the dispensers in the lunch room.

Yea, I know, get to the point

We stopped having the full bottles near the dispensers to be used because some moron tried to lift one up and put it in the dispenser and hurt his back (allegedly). Or it was the easy way to file a workers' compensation claim. But wait there is more. So Bubba hurts his back lifting the bottle of water and falls over. In the process Bubba spills some of the water, not a big reach of logic if you visualize the process as a youtube clip or something as he fell over with 40 pounds of water bottle missing its intended target from his back giving out.

Everyone panics. The police, the paramedics, the Action News Team, Human Resources and nine Workers' comp attorneys are called. For that matter, even OJ was asked to explain where he was when the water bottle fell on Bubba.

Bubba is taken away and now lives off of $1842 a month of disability pending his claim of negligence against the company.

Again, I digress. So some water spilled on the floor. After the mass exodus of all involved finally leaves the lunch room and the CSI team finishes their investigation, someone forgot to put of the little yellow sign that said Slippery Floor. So an hour later, Marge comes in thinking she can get some water from the ever full dispensers that the company put in the lunch room and slips and falls hurting her back as her ancient bones fell the two and a half feet to the ever waiting slick faux-tile floor.

Again mass hysteria, dogs and cats living together and the Action News Team is back for their investigation and nine workers' compensation attorneys are again called, drooling with every ring of their phone.

The company panics. Attorneys are called, consultants are consulted and the Bobs come in to evaluate "Is This Good For The Company"

In what seems like years later and hundreds of memos circulating over the company exchange server the verdict comes in.

It is determined that we cant have water lifted by an employee randomly. Water must be lifted by a designated and qualified manager that has taken a "Water Bottle Safety Lifting Test" and wears that strange fitting black Velcro bondage device that makes sure he doesn't blow a ball and cause a hernia in the extremely difficult Lift With Your Legs and NOT your back kind of thing.

So here is where the corruption part comes in. That qualified and tested manager goes out on stress leave a few days later. One would have to assume the pressure of being the only one qualified in a company of 250 to lift a bottle of water simply overcame him. I suspect we would all crack under such great pressure. The company has no disaster recovery plan. The consultants are gone, there is no one left to make a decision. The unthinkable has occurred, the seventh seal has been broken.

Fast Forward to yesterday (again). So they finally remove the empty dispensers that have been collecting dust. They remove the empty water bottles from before Bubba hurt his back and Marge slipped and fell fusing all vertebrae of everyone within two hexes on the map. The rust stains from spilled water from the metal feet of the dispensers can be viewed like the chalk outline from some heinous crime scene. The broken lids of water bottles can be viewed sitting behind refrigerators.

The water is gone. Sorrow fills the building. A time of mourning is scheduled.

But the good news is we have a locked storage room full of water bottles, well full of full water bottles to be exact and one unused black Velcro lifting aid thingy to prevent a designated and tested Qualified Manager from blowing out a ball if he were ever to lift a water bottle again.

Corruption just seemed to fit this one, not sure why.

But if I was going to digress, somehow this story reminded me of this drinking game in college and this chick that was a Bio-Sci major with red hair. But that's for another day.

Things to say your first day at the job

---(from 2007)

So I work for this company. There are people in the company. Some I like, some I don't. I come from the School of How to Loathe people and avoid them as necessary.

So they hire this new guy named Ed, Older, balding white guy with lots of freckels and wears glasses. You know a chick magnet. Well he is hired into my old job. Which i'm sure they paid him more than me. So you know, I already dont like him.

We're in a meeting yesterday about this convention thing we have to attend. After the meeting his boss introduces him and puts him on the spot to say a few words about himself. He squirms a little and tries of to think of the right thing to say. No pressure Ed, its only the entire executive mananagement team and all their direct reports in one room.

So he was about to make or break his initial opinion with the company.

He says

"Hi, i'm Ed. I'm glad to be here, I want to thank the team for hiring me and really want to help the team out in any way I can. Because you know, there is no "I" in team, so im glad to be here, as part of this new team. I really look forward to meeting all the members of the team and the support staff that make the team a success."

I think, sweet mother of gawd, could you say the word team any more in one breath.

So I was thinking, what are you supposed to say your first day at work. Because I enjoy the dark side of life, I have a few suggesstions.

1) Hey nice to meet all of you, this is probably the last time you will see me sober.

2) Damn, they werent kidding when they said there are no hot chicks working here.

3) Wow, the combined ages of all of you in this room is probably double the combined IQ. I'll fit in well.

4) Who do I talk to about vacation days, im burnt out from all this meeting and talking and stuff

5) Be right back, i got 110cc's of Columbia's finest waiting for me in the car.

6) f*ckin' A im tired, staying out all night in Tijuana with those hookers can really take its toll

7) Anyone mind if I take off early, most of my porn should be downloaded at home by now

8) What are the graphic specs on our desktop computers, I want to know what settings WOW will play at.

9) Are you people going to get all into "The Rules" and tell me I cant use the womans bathroom like my last company

10) Which one of the IT people runs the MP3 server, I have some stuff I would like to upload.

11) I need to call my parole officer twice per day and verify my GPS coordinates to calibrate my ankle monitor for those alledged convictions that got me for, which phone should I use

The Highest Ranking Pawn Remaining - old work story

---(from 2012)

So when the cat is away, most people, well according to the saying, they play. In my case this isn't always so much fun.

Please be warned there will be some potentially graphic descriptions of things that you may find disgusting, revolting, funny or sick. You have been warned.

This week for one reason or another pretty much everyone with a title, stock options or the ability to say No without being questioned is gone. Normally that is a good thing. This week, not so much.

We have a mandatory monthly department meeting where each department goes over non-operational issues to make sure we do the house-cleaning. I have only sat in on one of these before, and frankly they are dreadfully boring and deal with things that are the equivalent to adult babysitting and telling kids to clean their room.

One of the rules to this meeting is someone in senior management must attend and comment on how to best resolve some of these issues. With all of the senior management gone and anyone else that usually goes, that left me.

Hence the title of the thread.

That makes me the highest ranking pawn left on the board. So it was me that had to go and provide "advice, perspective and guidance to the supervisors "in this meeting.

The format goes like this: All the supervisors show up to the meeting or call in if they are in a different office. Each one of them has a list of issues they need to discuss and resolve. A lot of this can be a complain session over things they should have handled but didn't. Some of it is genuine issues and some of it is just total BS that makes you want to run out the door screaming. As usual, I will highlight the more interesting items and omit the boring stuff.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

The cleaning crew (aka janitorial staff) has indicated in the past week the woman's restroom has had a reoccurring issue with feminine protection being left on the floor in a used capacity and the seat of the toilet.

What I wanted to say

So you are telling me some woman, left bloody tampons or maxi-pads on the floor of the bathroom and the toilet seat had blood on it after she used it. That's just FN disgusting. Find her and fire her for being a slob

What I actually said

Please make sure the female supervisors in the departments that use the women's restroom hold a meeting with the women and ensure they are leaving the restroom clean and safe after they use it. If necessary, the female supervisors will need to make periodic checks of the restroom to identify any specific individuals that need to be spoken with.

{Supervisors of Department B}

Issue:

The copy machine in my area is going through twice as much paper as we did last month and we have to borrow paper from another department

What I wanted to say:

So in other words either someone in your department is using it more then before or someone from another department is stealing your paper for their machine. And you don't know which one it is.

What I actually said:

Please make sure your dedicated clerical person is ensuring that the paper for the copy machines is kept in the (locked) supply room and paper is removed when it is needed for the copy machine. Also please ask the clerical person to check if any one person is requesting additional paper that is allocated for the copy machine or is making unusually large amount of copies

{Supervisor of Department C – male}

One of my staff {older woman} claims she almost tripped and fell when leaving the building because of some cigarette butts on the ground by the back entrance.

What I wanted to say:

You are FN kidding me; she almost tripped over a cigarette butt. Yea right. Oh yea, and go tell the smokers to stop being lazy bastards and put their cigarette butts in the metal garbage can.

What I actually said:

Please distribute a memo to the staff instructing them that they are to use the designated smoking areas and the receptacles specifically designed for cigarette butts. Also, please ask the cleaning crew check the entrances of the building to ensure they are clean and safe.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

Several of my staff have said {complained} that they can no longer get to the required internet sites to complete their job.

What I wanted to say:

So you mean since we put in the content filter and myspace, yahoo videos, youtube and facebook are blocked your staff is pissed off ? Because I don't remember you sending IT a list of required work related sites you needed. Oh yea, and since we cut out youtube and streaming audio and video, our bandwidth dropped by 25% a day.

What I actually said:

As soon as you can, please forward a list of sites that your staff requires to complete their daily work responsibilities. I will then ask IT to add them into the content filter as approved.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

We are running out of plastic forks and spoons in the lunch room and would like to order more next month. I would like to double the order.

What I wanted to say:

Holy sh*t, we order 5000 of each per month for 100 people. I know that not all of them use them, where the hell are they going. Are we supporting a family picnic every weekend for half the staff? Seriously, where are they going? Al Gore is going to call me and say I'm filling up landfills with plasticware.

What I actually said:

To my understanding our staffing levels {in your office} have remained consistent so I am not sure how we are running out of disposable utensils. In the past we have had them stockpiling in the storage room. Perhaps we should better evaluate if they are being used for defined lunch and break times by the staff before we order more.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

We are having a problem with emails from clients not getting through our spam filter.

What I wanted to say:

You mean the emails that say V!@gra, Big Hairy P*ssy, College Sluts and Make her Cum all night, you mean those emails. Because yea, we block those. Yea and all those viruses we were getting from someone downloading those cute emote-i-cons, well we block those too now.

What I actually said:

If you can identify an email that has not been received and the sender indicates it has been sent, then I will ask the IT staff to review the spam filter and see if it is seen there. From that point we will create a rule to allow these emails to pass through the filter.

There is more, but you get the point. Oh the joys of being the highest ranked pawn on the wrong day.